Wings and Prayers...

Here we are... a few quick weeks past University Championships... lots of work still to be done to be ready for Thailand.  Ellyn has said to me many times I have all the tools and I need to let myself be ready to lift big weights.  She's given me all the cues, the technical work, the strength I'll need to be successful.  She's done all that she can and has needed to do for me to be successful.... she's coached me exactly how I've needed to be.  And now it's my turn to believe in myself.  To see myself be successful.  To pay attention to the small things.  To be better.  To be more confident.  To be stronger mentally.  To be present.  To appreciate the time.  To appreciate the process.  To enjoy the process and see it as a once in a life time opportunity- and RUN with it.  Focus forward and on the next step.

Over the last two weeks Ellyn has given me mental training to do before my physical training.  I've been taking a few moments before practice to write, think about, meditate and then regurgitate the training from the words she's given me into words of my own.  Phrases that I can make my own.  Phrases that resound with me.  Phrases I need to remember and focus on.  Phrases Ellyn needs me to remember and believe and become second nature.  It's a process.  Slower for me than probably most :) but that's how I like things... makes it easy for Ellyn too.. I'm easier to keep track of ;)

As the process started I didn't think too much about it... didn't think it would really work or make a difference.. and did it more from a place of it was something I was supposed to do..  As the mental training went on I started to believe in it more... believe in the process and actually feel a difference at practice.... even when i was alone.. the phrases continued to ring in my head and I got excited to get better at the little things.. i got excited for Thailand... I got excited for the days training... I got excited to get better... I got excited to represent my country... I got excited for the chance to fulfill the plans and progress and thoughts and plans and replanning Ellyn and I have gone through the last 4 years.  This goal that seemed so distant.. even as I was at Collegiates... doesn't seem like it's real and that all the time, effort, energy, frustration, happiness, success, time and more time and learning about each other and what makes us tick.. and work so well together.. came together. It was a perfect storm.

I keep thinking back to New Mexico and how the meet went... Missing my 3rd snatch.. figuring I was done and out of the running for the title... no shot at anything... then the quick conversation with Ellyn between the two lifts.. her asking me if I can make the jump from 105 to 118 or 121... me telling her.. i'm not sure.. and both of us agreeing that this is what we came for... this is what we've been training for... why come all this way to end up with a PR and no chance of doing anything but coming back to Boston... Let's do this.. let's try... I've always wanted to be the exception... be the one that things were different for.. be the one no one thought would or could do it.. and then BOOM.. do it!  I like being the under dog {{roll dawgs}} and coming out of the back and doing the unthinkable... and in New Mexico we did!

My last National meet as a 75 my total was 168(?) so who would expect much more..? ha. I know at least a few people! But then to come out of virtually left field and finish with a 200k total even surprised me.  Especially with the shitty... yes shitty... training... aka jerks... I'd been having prior to the meet... When I was competing and I had missed my last snatch I had given up most of my hope... thinking the snatch was my lift... Ha. On the wing and the prayer we'd been praying for the last 4 years... the physical... the mental.. the relationship... all took a turn when we stepped on the platform in New Mexico.  We discovered a new us.. still working on what the new us is.. but it felt right... it felt like it was supposed to be.. it felt like we had done it together... it felt story book perfect... the perfect sports movie.... missing my last 2 warmups... cracking my chin on my first two jerks.. blood and sweat and a few tears got us to Thailand... and that will be a whole new level of nerves, excitement, planning, preparation, and training... mentally and physically...

Getting ready... one day at a time.. one box checked off the list.... paying attention to the fundamentals and the small boring steps we need to take to be able to build our mental tool box... to be ready for the next time we'll need a wing and a prayer...

Mind Games

What changes from week to week... day to day..? Do my physical abilities vary day to day or is it my mental abilities.  From the readings I've done and conversations I've had with Ellyn the biggest variable in my training is my mental strength/focus/determination.  My body doesn't talk me out of lifts it's my head.  My body knows what to do. I've put in the time with my physical training.  My body is fine.  It's my mind. my feelings. my emotions that need to be trained more.   Saying I need more work in these areas doesn't mean there hasn't been progress with the mental aspect of my lifting.. but it is my weakest part of my package... also something Ellyn and I have been working on since day one.  She loves to tell stories of when I first moved to MA and where I would LITERALLY have hissy-fits on the platform when I missed a lift.. or cry when I would try to RDL with 35k... There are times when I love hearing those stories and times when I absolutely CRINGE when they get told.  But all in all they show progress....

Too bad progress isn't a linear.  Any kind of progress.  There have been good, bad, ugly and near perfect and as far away from perfect practices on the mental front... but more and more often the good and better days appear and stay for longer.

This last practice (the last heavy day before we compete at collegiates) had it's ups and downs... mostly on the mental front... downside: being too focused about NEXT Sunday and worrying about things I 1. have no control over and 2. aren't my job to worry about.  But an upside of the day was being able to put the lack of focus and distractions from the first part of practice behind me and head into the second part of practice with a calmer and more focused inner dialogue.  Ellyn and I had a little pow-wow after the snatches (that didn't go as ideally and I would have liked... Ellyn was fine with them... we were able to learn from them) because I was feeling a whole bunch of negative emotions that typically get carried into the clean and jerks.. Ellyn and I talked about what we can do to get better about leaving behind the snatch "issues" (I say "issues" because there really wasn't anything wrong with them... just didn't make as many as I would have liked) so I asked her if she thought it would be a good idea to write down and "Purge the Negative" from my mind... and I did.  Boy did that piece of notebook paper get full quickly! :)

When I showed Ellyn she said, "Oh! This is easy! You're worrying and trying to do my job."  Here's a little secret that I've had to learn the hard way... slow.  If you let your coach do their job and trust that they will... that means you, as an athlete can do yours! It's so much easier that way!!  But sometimes easy to forget and get wrapped up in wanting to control and be in control of everything... and those thoughts, feelings, and impulses of wanting to be in control of EVERYTHING make lifting heavy weights hard to do.

The biggest success of the day was probably the transition from the snatch to the clean and jerks.  I didn't feel weighed down by my thoughts and feelings from the snatch and I was able to focus on what I was supposed to be doing.  They didn't go perfectly- but it was a big step in the right direction.  My body knows what to do and my body will be fine when Ellyn and I step on the platform next Sunday... my mental strength is growing as well.  My mind will be there on Sunday.  I will be focused.  I will be ready.  Anything she puts on the bar she knows I can do.  Trust.  We're ready....

Shaking off the Dust pt. 1

Welllllllll hellllllloooo again!!  I'm back at this.. hopefully one more time and more consistently with the postings! One can hope! One day at a time :)

Well a lot has been happening over the last year plus.  But that's not important... yet. I'll hit the highlights and big updates below...

Probably one of the most significant things that's changed within the last year has been the success Ellyn and I have had with cutting weight.  At any given day or time I would weigh around 80k which put me in the Super-Heavy weight class... which may seem ridiculous because there were times when I was LITERALLY competing against girls who were TWICE my size.. yes 160k. Theres no way I'd EVER be able to realistically compete with those girls... or even the girls who were 120k.   So Ellyn brought up the idea of cutting weight for the "camp meet" that was about 2 weeks away (again, remember this was during the summer).  We discussed the options and possibilities and decided we had nothing to lose and might as well try it.  We were trying to hit a 202k total that would qualify me for a World Team Trials a few weeks after that.

I think it's funny looking back on the conversation because I can see the whole thing happening.  I know where we were standing, I know what was said and one part of the conversation sticks out for me... Ellyn asked if I wanted time to think about our talk about trying to get down to 75k and we could start tomorrow if that was what we both felt was best.  I stopped her right there and said, "Let's do it now." I can't remember what my dinner plans were... but I know they changed significantly!

The two weeks of cutting weight (aka eating vegetables and cooking real meals) wasn't as awful, painful, torturous, miserable etc as it was when we had started 6 or 8 weeks out! I may have been all of those things, but it wasn't for long! :) **Serious note. The dieting was no where nearly as challenging and draining as it was before**

The two weeks went by quickly... one week was spent at RWL 24/7 which was awesome and may  have been part of the reason the dieting went so smoothly.. the other was working my 3 hours a day at the y... all things i can handle ;)

The day of the meet comes and after a sauna session and a few layers of winter clothes I get to the meet and step on the scale. 74.9.  okay quick get off! made weight. now lets eat and hydrate! Ellyn and I talked about the numbers we needed to hit 85/117 and how we would get there 78/82/85 and 107/112/117.  My first though... WOAH. Okay. This is crazy. SHE is crazy. But wait... the Crazy works.. okay one thing at a time. Our work isn't done. . .

changing

a lot has changed since my last post a million years ago... for me, the sport of weightlifting has transformed from a one demential activity into a time where I learn and discover about myself.   Being connected with Ellyn and her teaching me more about the lifts I have started to develop a deeper understanding of the sport as well as slowly uncover bits and pieces of my own life, personality, and strengths.   Weightlifting has brought out the best in me as well as the worst and darkest parts of my being.  It has transitioned from an activity to a learning and growing experience.

there's so much that has happened... so much that has changed.. so much I am still learning (that was the theme for 2012).. and so much I still have to get better at and move beyond.  "Closing the Gap" is the them for 2013 and as the year has continued on, closing the gap has become more and more imperative... not just for my lifting career but for my success and happiness as a human outside of the weight room.

I think it's sometimes funny that people will say to others leave your life outside of _____ (fill in the blank.. work, the gym, etc) and don't worry about what's happening... ha. if it were only that easy.. everything has to be in line and everything has to be settled and focused on moving forward for the success Ellyn and I are expecting and working for to happen.  when i have emotional days outside of the weight room I usually feel 'hung over' emotionally the next day... and it makes it rough, difficult, and nearly impossible to have a productive workout... that gap needs to close sooner rather than later..

there's so much more for this topic, but for now it's a good start..

funny things.

It's funny how things work.  It's funny how the moment you think it's all together it all falls apart.  It's funny how things can look so up and then go down so fast.  It's funny how in the darkest moments you can find some sense of twisted peace.  It's funny how when you think you need someone the most you find the strength to do it on your own. Isn't it all funny..?

I guess that's life for ya.  I typically like to have a plan and a schedule and know what's going on and what I'm going to be doing or not doing.  And this week-ish the plans have all been thrown out the window, burned, torched, evaporated, exploded.. you get the point.  It was the destruction of my said 'plans' where I had to find my own way.

I have been seeking the approval and okay of the people around me and it's only lead to frustration and disappointment on all sides. So, no more.  No gray area. Black and White. Simple. Clean. Clear. Concise.

It's it funny how im writing about having plans go out the window and at the same time making plans for when the plans are out the window. It. does. not. work. but i think i'm too stubborn and/or slow to figure that out. so the plans I started making got ripped up and thrown out.. so off i am planning again. funny how i don't learn. womp.

not happy

The depths of the muck and nonsense have been worse than ever.  I dont even know where to begin or how to start with this.. how to dive into the depts and sort all of the feelings and emotions. part of me wants to get extremely raw and real on here and the other part knows i shouldnt.  or maybe that I cant.

right now i need and want a song or a poem or a quote that can and will accurately describe the complexity and awfulness of what i'm feeling- but i bet there's nothing out there like that... i'm not even sure where to begin.. people have asked what's wrong.. and if i'm okay.. the answers are 1. I dont know if i'm okay or what's wrong and 2. there's too much to just word vomit it all on the spot. that's the good or bad thing about text.. having unlimited time for these:  ......  so my slow processing brain and emotions can sort themselves out......  the bad thing about text is that it can and often does lead to confusion when it comes to the communication of emotions and intentions of the writer/express-er..

Let's see. . . I guess it's prudent to go back to the beginning. Go back to what  brought me to this great state of Massachusetts.. which i still can't spell... I came because of Ellyn. I came because of the kindness, love, affection, fun, companionship, support, the common interest and the chemistry we had from day one.  It was an easy decision and has been a good one.  Do I regret coming? nope. Do I want, need and desire that relationship still. yup. probably more now than ever.

i  cant finish this. it's too hard. it makes my heart ache and my stomach turn into knots. all i want is for things to be better. for things to be good. better. normal. and they/me/its none of those things. maybe more if i'm up at some crazy hour or if i can't go back to sleep. ugh

Can't sleep

I've been all out of sorts lately... Things just haven't felt right.  I'm anxious.  I'm worried.  I'm stressed. I'm trying to find my place. I'm trying to figure out my living situation come September. I'm trying to figure out where I'm going and if I'm going alone or if there are people with me... I feel like I'm floating.  Just kind of bobbing around.. Not really going in any one direction purposefully.  I think that also stresses me out.  I like, want, and need structure and yes I've got that in some places.. i.e. work and practice.. I have certain times I go to work and certain times I go to practice- but it just seems, right now, I'm running on a hamster wheel. working hard- or feeling like I am working hard and getting nowhere.  Just working up a sweat.  I don't like that.  it makes me feel dumb.

I couldn't sleep this morning/night so I've been up and awake since 3.... and I think I was up at 1 too- but I was able to go back to bed for a little bit.. Maybe what I'm feeling is how i felt my first year and a half at wake... it was a hard transition- more difficult at times than others- but because of my stubbornness i wasn't going to go back home.  Same thing here.. I may be tempted to 'go home' where ever that may be... but i'm not leaving unless I get kicked out. But since I've switched residency I dont plan on going away/anywhere any time soon.  I guess it's one of those grin-and-bear it things for a while... hopefully not too much longer

I know I play a part of this nonsense I'm feeling- so i'm not blaming everyone else but i just need help

Head versus heart

3 days in a row. that's big time. just kidding. baby steps.. Today was a little different day than normal practice. Ellyn was teaching a level 1 usa weightlifting certification today and the RWL-ers (some were taking the class and others... me and kledia..) were living and breathing weightlifters (specimens) for the people taking the level 1 certification to watch and interact with us and Ellyn.  For their viewing pleasure we did snatch and clean and jerk as a team.

I was working on my new columns. I didn't hit any of my numbers, but I was closer..?.. and maybe more confident with my snatches than I was last week.  The clean and jerks I gave a better effort than last week as well.  I had some issues getting my left arm/elbow/wrist etc to cooperate as much as I would have liked it to.  But again it was still better than last week.. or even friday. that was a not so fun practice. womp.

My latest malfunction revolves closely around the relationships and emotional malfunction of said relationships.  I feel like I've gotten better about convincing myself to approach the weights and to wrap my mind around having however many kilos over my head and being confident and sure about it.  Even the missing lifts and meltdowns have decreased and have been better managed- but it's the heart that drags me down.

Have you ever been in a situation where you knew in your head it was a certain way but your heart was screaming the opposite..? That's how I felt today.  I knew in my head that lifting is just lifting.. woop-dee-doo, right? but the relationships that make lifting worth while,  important and purposeful- when those suffer so does my lifting.. not anyones fault but my own.  I can't seem to separate my heart from the rest of me.

As I was driving back from the Y tonight I was thinking about this blog and what i would be saying or how I wold say it, and for some reason my time spent in 4-h popped in my head... specifically the 4 H's.. hand, heart, head, health.. I was thinking about how those four things are so intertwined with me and they all need to line up for my to have my best and most successful days in (and out) of the gym. When I'm not feeling "safe and secure" a phrase I started using as a joke with Ellyn when I was at Nationals, has really come to be true.  When i feel safe and secure with my life, the relationships and the people in my life- lifting is easy.. it's fun.. and i feel powerful and confident about everything.

  This is Maslow's hierarchy of needs... the bottom is the basics: food, clothing, shelter etc and the second level seems to be where I get stuck... when my job is crazy and i'm feeling lonely and am stuck in my apartment i don't do well.. I need people in my life.. I need to feel close and connected to people.. specific people and when that doesn't happen or I feel like it doesn't happen things break down... I break down.. 

I'm not looking for sympathy or pitty- I'm just trying to make some sense of what's going on inside of me.. this post doesn't do it any justice.. it feels like it's a below average attempt.. but that's about all I've got now.. here's to sleep, shower, and a new day...

Sunday Fun-day!

Look at me go! 2 posts in a row! woah baby- let's just see if I can keep it up during the week.  With the weather being nicer (read: lovely, amazing, fantastic, etc) I have decided to get up and out of my apartment and go enjoy the sunshine.  Yesterday I walked around Bridgewater and eventually made it to East Bridgewater.. then I walked to the local middle school to run the bleachers and to read a little as well.

Over the last two days I've almost made it through my book.....

It's a good and quick read so it's been perfect for the warm sunny days we've had this weekend! I might go and read more tonight if I get the rest of my stuff done! :)

I was going to go read and relax on the bleachers but apparently there's lacrosse on Sunday afternoons so I found a bench next to the school and sat and read for a while there- but then I decided to move to the grass where I'd have the option of shade or sun.  This is where I relocated to...

 and this was my view as I was laying on the grass.. not too bad! I was also playing with the camera I got on my birthday so there are some im-trying-to-be-artistic-and-fun photos coming up

These were some of my supplies...

Sunscreen, a book, a long sleeve RWL t-shirt, water

One can't forget this either...!

I decided my nails were a perfect length for a nice french manicure so I brought some of my friends with me! My white nail-polish is about shot- so the tips didn't turn out like I wanted them- but they'll do for now.  When this starts chipping I'll change up the french-manicure colors.  

Here's an "i'm trying to be artistic" and "im playing with my camera" photo of some of the grass-flowers(?) This photo is mostly for my mom because she kept asking if I've used my camera yet.. YEP! I have Mom!!  

I hope the weather continues like this! I could spend every weekend the same! But i'll be out of books pretty quickly!! 

Happy Sunday!

Here I go again. Jumping back on the blogging train...(?) Not sure that makes a whole lot of sense, but I'm going to go with it! I'll blame it on me being rusty- since I haven't blogged in MONTHS. All time low.  But I figured as I'm waiting for my phone to get charged I can spend some time talking to myself.  :)

There's been a lot going on and happening since.. umm, February. So I will give you the down and dirty.. wait that's not right either... QUICK and dirty.. lol that's better.  I told you it'd been a while! I just had to go back and re-read my last few posts because I couldn't remember where I left off.  I had made my goal sheet- and was nervous about that. nervous about putting it all out there. nervous about going to places I've never been- mentally, emotionally, physically, athletically, everything.  New can be scary!

Man, I wish I hadn't waited so long to start blogging again because there's been a lot of progress that's been made.  Daggum.

On the road to recovery, Ellyn and I had created a road map each week to progress to collegiates.  We started the week of February 19th and went through April 15th when I competed in Louisiana at University Nationals.  Ellyn and I creatively called this "The Plan".  There were three columns: CONSERVATIVE, MODERATE, and AGGRESSIVE.  The Plan and the structure of the plan was put in place to guide, push, and pace my recovery.  The goal each week was to hit the Aggressive columns, but if there was any pain in my wrist Ellyn and I knew we would stop.  Our communication and connection throughout this plan was pretty darn perfect- and the columns helped with that.  There were a few days when the lifts were going REALLY well and the numbers in the Aggressive column were a piece of cake- but because we had a plan Ellyn and I stopped there.  The Plan helped keep us both in check.  Pushing us and preventing us from doing too much.  It's easy to get caught up in wanting to do one more, and add another kilo and seeing how far we could go- but the consequences of adding that extra kilo or taking another rep could be devastating for the health of my wrist.  So we waited and we stuck to the plan.

Here's a picture of The Plan that Ellyn and I used

Before Collegiates/University's I competed in two meets: Atlantic States Open- where I was a late entry.. aka the day of... and the Ginny Robinson Memorial Meet... At the Atlantic States (February 19th)I was out of my cast for about three weeks, but I was well, and able enough to compete- so I did.  I finished with at 110 total (snatched 50 and clean and jerked 60).  I felt kind of silly lifting those weights, but that's where I was, and I was happy with my performance.  At the Ginny Meet (March 16th) I hit at 150 total (65 snatch and 85 clean and jerk).  I was getting closer and closer to 'being back' but there was still work to be done.  The Ginny meet was big for me because I had hit the A-session numbers for Collegiates. I was on my way back! Here's a video of the Ginny Meet

Another month-ish of training and then comes Collegiates.  There was a.. umm.. major melt down in the airport on the way down there... I wasn't close to making weight and Ellyn had to tell me I'd be competing as a 75+.  I was so frustrated, upset, mad, disappointed etc and it took the whole trip down to Louisiana to finish my crying and actually act like a normal person.  Ellyn was surprised I didn't take the whole weekend to pull myself out of my funk- but maybe I'm learning a thing or two. . .?

So I was down there with my team and I got to eat and I got to me merry and I got to lift.  What's there to be upset about.. i mean honestly!? The first two days of the meet the rest of the team competed and did really well.  For a lot of them it was their first national meet and the results were top-notch.  Very proud to be RWL with everyone there!

When I lifted there were 4 people in my session and that included the 75s and 75+. It went quick. Just my speed! I missed my first snatch. oops. and especially oops after hitting the same number in the back. oopsy! so once I missed that one I was determined to not miss the others.  My snatch lifts went 65-miss, 65 make, 68 make.  Clean and jerks I went 92-make, 95-make and 98-make.  I finished second with a total of 166- which was only 2 kilos off of my American Open total before surgery.

The cool thing about hitting those numbers (98 was a national level life-time PR) was that my wrist didn't feel like it was 100%.  It still doesn't, but every day it's closer and closer to getting there.  Two weeks after Collegiates there was another meet- West Hartford Open and again I missed my opening snatch after taking it in the back. womp. felt like a dummy when that happened.. again.  I missed 64, made 64, and then made 70 (post surgery PR) and with the clean and jerks Ellyn and I opened at 98- which is where I finished at collegiates.. made it, then went to 101 made it and then 104 and made that. The 104 was a life-time PR for clean and jerk. Here's a link to the video from that meet.. Hartford Open

This is a photo of the back of my lifting notebook.  It's got my totals from each of the last 5 meets I've done.  Starting with the American Open (pre-surgery) and the last 4 meets.  It's a nice reminder of the work I've done and that there's still more to go! 

Now the lifting cycle is focusing on getting us all stronger.  I think it's working.  I want to catch up to the boys this summer.  I want to be squatting what they squat.  I am chasing them down.. and I think some of them are scared :) They should be!

That's been the short of the last few months.. I forgot how much I like and enjoy writing about my lifting- so I'm going to work on doing a better job with staying up to date on it all.

When it's good it's good and when it's bad it's awful. Hello today's practice. Heavy sigh. Not in the mood to go through all the emotional upheavals today. It just sucked.

one at at time

I'm trying new things and working on my weaknesses.  it's a process... mostly a mental process.  a mental adventure.  a mental fight.  trying to get my mind to believe and motivate myself to physically do the things i've been working hard to be able to do... wether that be squat more, clean more, jerk more, snatch more, pushing through the fear and doubts is next on the list.

it's hard to do. let me just put that out there. having to focus each and every rep each and every set and fight off the doubts. fears. negative thoughts. soreness. pain. and anything and everything else that can and will and does become a distraction... they all fight against the process of making every rep count and making every lift important and valuable as a stepping stone to where I want to be in 4 years.

For my weightlifting class Ellyn asked the class to come up with their goals.  I wrote up a few talking about how the injury has been good for me because it forced me to slow down and to focus on the technique of the lifts- without the pressure to complete the lifts correctly at 70, 80, 90, 100%.. i would be.. and had to start from scratch. just with the bar.  I had to focus on lifting the bar. I had to think about the technique of each lift and each part of the lift. the things i could do and could improve on i had to. some days it was just getting and staying tight.. and that was all i could do to get better.. other days (especially when i got further along in my recovery) i could focus on other more 'complex' motions, movements, and processes of lifting.

I'm not sure how I got on that track, but OOHH yea! so i wrote a longer version of the above paragraph and Ellyn said I needed actual goals. Specific things I was going to work on and measurable improvements. I started again.  Thinking about some of the things Ellyn wrote in her e-mail and thinking about things and places where I could and should and need to get better.. I started writing and kept writing. It was a nerve-wracking process to put my hopes, dreams, desires and goals on paper and to share them.  When you do things like that it makes everything so much more real.

Maybe that's what I needed. I needed to get real.  I needed to make a map to 2016.  I think the words- broad and general at this point- will get more specific and more focused as the days, weeks, months, and years go by.. but I am excited.  I'm excited to start crossing off numbers and goals and expectations.  but in order to do that I've got to use everything I have today... I've got to be focused with everything I have today.  Not just inside the weight room, but outside.  That's been my biggest fault.  Once i rush off to the Y or rush off to place xyz I lose my focus on my goals.  but that's being changed.  one day at a time. one moment in time. one choice at a time.

thursday thursday thursday!!

Today was fun. busy. but fun! The fun part was getting to show off for the big-wigs at the YMCA with my one arm snatching...  There were a lot of non-believers and doubters... even after i lifted in front of them some of the dumb boys didn't think i was impressive. psssh. what do they know?? 

It was weird lifting in the Y.. in a different spot.. with different people (ellyn was still there though!)  lifting with 10 strangers watching me, in my space, in a different place, with different weights... a lot of different and new and potentially distracting factors to overcome.. oh ya and the 5min warmup.. that was another thing that could have caused some problems.. but none of it did.. I had to put myself in the same mind-frame I'm in when I'm lifting and with the team.  I had to focus on me and not what anyone or anything else was doing or where it was.. i had my focal point and i had my routine. 

Today I had to recall the focus and purpose i work on during practice and put it to work when I was at the Y.  The warm-ups were probably worse than the actual 'attempts' or whatever you want to call my performance today.. it was nice to have the support of the Y with my lifting.  it's nice to have people outside of lifting be interested and supportive of my adventures.  it helps give me a new and re-newed commitment to myself and what i'm doing.. realizing that not everyone has or is given the opportunity i have to chase my dream.  

With that said, I've got a lot of work to do.. lots of things I need to get better at.. lots of things I need to keep track of.. lots of things to get organized... lots and lots and lots.. i need to make a list and start checking things off.. a lot more discipline is needed.. one day at a time.. 

columns

Working on getting better.. Ellyn and i talked about how I was going to get better.. and we looked at the time frame of the next meet and the next big meet and how i'd get to where i want to be... we decided we'd use a 3 column system... a conservative column where i'd increase my lift by very small increments, a moderate column, and a more aggressive column... Each day I'd work towards completing as much/as many of the columns as my wrist would allow.  Having numbers and plans helps keep me focused at slowly chipping off the gap between where I am and where I want to go.

Today was a successful day for my olympic lifts... I was able to successfully complete the numbers set out for me in the aggressive column.. which were higher numbers than what I lifted on Sunday.. yay me. :) but again i've got to keep working and keep focusing..  lots to keep learning and lots to keep working on and even more to get better and more consistent with..  so here's three cheers for column 3... hip-hip-horray

keep working.

meet

It may be surprising to some of you that the decision to lift wasn't decided until the evening before I lifted.  Ellyn and I had been talking back and forth about whatd be best for me and what would be smartest (sometimes that's the harder one to do) when it came to the meet... I talked a little about my anxiety in deciding or not deciding what to do, from a physical aspect, but I also was wrestling more with the mental aspect of coming back.  I had the thoughts of success- with two definitions.. success that i previously knew which fell somewhere around 72k and 103k and what success would now look like... and was that success 50 and 60? was that success of competing? was that success just getting back on the platform? was that success something else all together? Before I lifted i couldn't be sure it was any of those things.. the success i had known before was not an option this meet.

I... and Ellyn.. talked about my mental shortcomings and the risk of ... my cereal.. or serial (depending on who's spelling it) killer moods and looks that would come if I couldn't deal with the results of my first meet back.  I like to win and i like to be good the best.. and i knew going into this meet that I wouldn't do either of those things. yikes. okay. how do i be okay and good at losing? um. i dont know if i can... but i have to.

Long story short (and maybe saving room for another blog about my meet.. hehe) I ended up lifting and I ended up being fine mentally and physically.  It was a different meet experience for sure, but it helped me get back in the competition mode and it helped me refocus and repurpose my lifting at practice.  I was working towards something that wasn't a distant memory or a long off and lofty goal, but meets that are coming up really quickly... 7 weeks until collegiates... and 3 or 4 weeks until the next local meet.  not a whole lot of time to waste and to not get better.. so I'm re-focused and re-motivated for the next adventure...

back to the meet.  It was a weird feeling for this meet.  I had to focus on my positions and one lift at a time. sometimes i felt a little silly getting ready to lift what I was lifting, but I told myself and made myself prepare like this was a meet where i was 100%.  I had the option to not pay attention to the weights and to just go through the motions like I had done so many times before- but i wanted to get better.  Ellyn has always said treat all the weights with respect.. treat 35 like 105... I think i did a pretty good job with that.  I was tempted to not give my full attention to the weights (even when I was on the platform) but i had practiced and had been practicing going through the same routine... again, i feel like i was successful with that.  I kept everything tight, close, and FAST.. woah. hadn't ever done that. here's a link if y'all are so interested :)  Atlantic States Meet  But there's a lot to improve on.  There's a lot more to do. and there's a bed i need to be sleeping in.  Until tomorrow. . .

pre-meet thoughts...

It's officially official, and i guess I am too.. I had my first meet back and I guess that means I'm getting back.. it's just the first stop on the bus..  There's a lot more to go and a lot more patience i'll be needing.. but let me recap the meet... Actually, let me recap the process of deciding to lift or not and then the meet..

being out of my cast for 3 weeks and having been able to lift on my wrist was a lot more than I expected, ellyn expected and the doctors even wanted :) When I got my cast removed I was told that I shouldn't be lifting anything heavier than a gallon of milk.

ya ya ya okay dr. I wont. and i will also wear my brace like a cast.. pssshh does he know who he's talking to?? obviously not because i probably still would be in a cast if he REALLY knew :) but i think this time it's better he doesn't know about me..

Lifting. I guess I picked up a pvc pipe a few weeks ago and then more recently (maybe 2 weeks ago.. so that would be a week after my cast was removed...?) a training bar and then a womens bar and then weights started to be added.  It took some time and attention to start listening carefully to my body and what it was saying.  I needed to feel, know and recognize the difference between pain, discomfort, stretching, pinching, and when pain was involved, i'd need to know the difference between pain that was harmful and pain that is part of the process...

My shoulder surgery and recovery when I was at Wake has helped me with my current situation.  I remember the first time i started throwing and my shoulder started to hurt... it scared the bejesus out of me and i freaked out and was scared my first time back i had torn everything again.. what an awful feeling.  I immediately left practice and i went to the training room crying hysterically because i was scared and i thought my 12+months of rehab and work and time was about to start over.. I remember crying with anne (my athletic trainer) and telling her it hurt and i was scared, but i knew i was just freaking out, but still crying, and trying not to and failing and crying more... Nothing a little ice and a few hugs wouldn't fix... but that moment sticks out in my head when I think about my wrist.  I don't want to be back in a hospital. I dont want to be back in a cast. I dont want my pins to have to be put back in.  So i'm being careful and paying attention.. and so is Ellyn.. we're being careful and working together to get me back as quickly and as safely as possible.

When it came time to decide if I was going to do the meet I talked to Ellyn, myself, and a few friends about walking the line of being smart about my recovery and being smart and realistic about my goals and if lifting is the best thing for me.. I got a lot of advice and a lot of good comments and input, but the thing i heard most was it's got to be my decision and only i know what's going to be for the ultimate best of myself, my lifting, my wrist, my mental stamina etc... It's kind of funny trying to type all of the thoughts, feelings, and emotions that went into the decision to lift on Sunday (and if i want to be particular, every day i choose to lift with both hands at practice) because this post doesn't do them justice... but y'all will have to wait for the day of the meet thoughts until tomorrow because I am exhausted- it has been a very, very, very long day and I am so done with it all. . .

happy valentine's day to ME!

Busy should be my middle name, but I have had a lot of practice with being busy, so i take it in stride and seem to do pretty well with the stress and demands of training and working annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd i hope everyone enjoyed the mile-long run-on sentence.  geesh. that was awful.

It's not even 2pm and I've already gotten a lot accomplished.  I went to work at the Y this morning, did some rolling and stretching, had a staff meeting, set up my official YMCA e-mail (yeah I'm a big deal) finished up my therapy, got lunch, responded to the past two weeks of e-mails and about to get ready for my second shift of work with the lovely and beautiful children at the Y.  Today is my last day training and learning the ins and outs of everything before I'm set free and on my own. yiiiiikkkkkeess.

From a lifting standpoint today was uneventful.. mostly.  I did my therapy which was good and today was the longest i've rolled and/or stretched in a very very very long time, so that's good.  I was also able to do a lot of my smaller muscle workout-ish things.  sometimes when I have to do these things at the y i feel slightly more productive and focused and patient(?).. i guess patient meaning i dont feel like i have to or need to rush off anywhere or hurry up and get my stretching done to go to the next thing... i was at the y so I was stretching and rolling to occupy myself while I was waiting for the meeting to start, so I wasn't in a rush to get everything done...

well isn't this ironic, funny, and a little bit mean.  (i probably deserve most of it) but as I was leaving Panera I couldn't find my keys.. and i searched my backpack, my pockets, where i was sitting and i even asked the staff if anyone had turned in keys. ha. nope. no keys.  dang it. So I was left with only two options: my keys were stolen along with my car and the 29348579237 weeks of laundry that was just washed or my keys were locked in my car. any guesses as to which one it might be...?

I probably would have guessed the stolen car and laundry if for no other reason than it would make a good story.. but nope. I'm the fool who was so happy and confident (cocky?) I had everything together and I could manage my time just moments before and now I'm THAT girl who locks her keys in the car while they are still in the ignition.  is my blonde showing through...??  But look at the positive of all of this: I'm getting my blog done, catching up on more e-mails, and (i feel like there was something else productive I was doing during this time...) HEY I could paint my nails. fantastic. Just the way I wanted to spend my day. Sitting in panera not going to work... okay so maybe this isn't that bad :)

big day for 45

Another day in the books.  And look at me go.. two blogs in a row! Wahoo! Today was a pretty good day the weigh room included.  On a slightly side note to the lifting aspect of my life I started at my new site with the Y... moving from a site with about 15 kids to a site with 50. It's a whole new ball game there. New kids, new staff, new place, new policy, new everything.  I'm a little nervous to be set free on the place! :-/

Back to lifting.  Today the team was set and scheduled to max with snatch and after a stellar max out session on Friday with clean and jerk today had similar results- fantastic! lots of 10k+ prs and ridiculous performances that were so much fun to watch! yay!

With my own little self I had a 'reagular' snatch workout with a few added twists.  I started working with both hands on the pvc pipe just working on turning over the bar at the top of the lift.  Once I did that a few times I went to the training bar and did the same.  After that I moved onto the women's bar and slowly moved down my legs.. starting just below the hip.. then moving above the knee then from the floor.  Ellyn and I slowly started to add weight and take full snatches.  I was trying to hide my excitement with each addition of weight, but i'm not sure how good of a job i did :)  And for me it sometimes is hard to balance my competitiveness and desire to get better and the other part of me that doesn't want to wreck or ruin my wrist for 5, 10, 15pounds... or even kilos..  As of now, the bigger and smarter part of me is focused on getting my wrist back to better than normal.  I am more focused on getting things taken care of healed than I am on snatching 90 and clean and jerking 115.  or whatever numbers may be in my head or anyone else's head.  So right now, today, i am being smart about my health, recovery and training.  It needs to stay that way, but the only thing I can do is focus on today.  So today I win. :)

While I was busy winning I was also able to slowly work my way up to 45kilos with my snatch. NO videos of it today though... there will be more to come, so don't worry.  But I just wanted to brag on myself for a little bit because I am happy and proud and excited I was able to snatch my 45 kilos today.  I have even started writing my 'recovery numbers' on the white board in red pen... so i'm slowly working my way back up to and past where I was before surgery. one day at a time. today was a good step towards all of those good and positive and exciting (have i used that word too many times in this post..?) things...

therapy/recovery day tomorrow!

nervous and excited

Hi y'all!  I'm getting better.  I've had weight over my head the last few days and have been making progress with my lifts and I am anxious and excited to get going and to be back at 100%.  Getting back to 100% is both exciting and nervous.. Exciting because I want to be competing again and I have started to make my way to that point.  I have taken the bar and have put weight over my head (35kilos as of last friday). it's not pretty or necessarily smooth, but it's a lot more and a lot better than anyone (ellyn or myself) was expecting or thinking at this point.. no go deacs

Nervous. Nervous because i dont want to get hurt again. i dont want my wrist to hurt at all. i want it to be normal. and better than it was before it got hurt. and i'm not at that point right now. nervous. no matter how much i feel like i'm prepared and ready for the next step in recovery, it gets daunting looking at where i am now and where i need/want to be.  But i guess that's not fair of me to do that to myself... I need to take it one day at a time.  I need to be patient. it's hard though. waiting and going slow and pushing it, but not too far or too fast.  It's a fine line and i just want to be done and over that line.  

sorry if this post doesn't make sense.. i took nyquil almost an hour ago and it feels like it's taking full effect. oh joy. 

looking. . .

Sorry I haven't been a regular blogger this last week.  no excuse this time except I didn't want to.  I didn't want to think about practice more than when I was at practice.. awful? bad? horrible? probably, but this week has been pretty difficult for me emotionally and mentally. . .  With my job at the Y working the split shift, I have been busy and doctor appointments (yay for having my cast off) I've been running around all over.  I've missed a few scheduled practice times, but I have made up each and every practice..

 but that's not the point of this blog.

Tonight it's more about my mental and emotional status, both as a lifter and as a person... I'm missing something.  I'm missing that close intimate connection with someone.. not in a romantic state, but just someone who can come over and do nothing, or something or anything with, or I could do the same. Someone I can pick up the phone and call and vent about this or that and have that person truly listen and truly care about what's going on in my life.  Yes I've got people here that i can talk to, but i don't have the connection and companionship that I need. Let me just put this out there.. i'm not looking for a boyfriend. I just looking for someone i can sit and be still with...  to have one of those deep and meaningful relationships that will last a lifetime.

for me to be satisfied and happy and at peace (for lack of a better word) i need that one (two if i'm really lucky!) close, intimate, and personal relationship(s).  A safe harbor where I can go to cry or scream or be angry or crazy and to have them tell me it's okay and they understand what i'm feeling- not because that's what's supposed to be said but because they understand me.  someone who i can just show up on their doorstep without explanation...someone to know my heart and know my intentions (99.7% of the time) are good.. someone i dont have to be fake around.. someone i dont have to explain myself to.. someone on my side.. with me instead of against me.. and even if i am bat-shit-crazy they'll be there..

To me the connection between my personal happiness and my success with lifting go directly hand-in-hand.  This last week from a training standpoint has been good.. maybe even better than good. my lifts are getting tighter, im PR-ing, im focusing, im making my lifts etc... but me personally.. i've been miserable. borderline tears... even a few tears falling in the weight room in the middle of my lifts... (on the positive side it's a good test of mental focus... right?) the fun, funny, social and enjoyable aspect of my lifting has been gone this week... but i've kept going, if for no other reason I dont think it can or i can get/feel worse than what i've felt this week.  and most of the time i do love every aspect of it.. the team the training the sore legs for the next week all of it.. it's part of why i made my decision in July to move to MA.. for all of those things.. but this week i haven't felt or been excited about any of that.. and i hate that...(tears falling now..)

maybe part of my craziness is my lack of blogging.. I've re-read this a few times as to not offend anyone who reads it and those people who have taken the time to start to get to know me.. don't think i don't appreciate that.. maybe i'm needier than most or crazier than most.. so i have tried to word my writing appropriately with respect to those friends of mine who read my blog and do care about me.. i know i'm difficult and challenging and maybe once in a while a pain in the ass.. but for those of you who have and continue to be there for me.. thank you.