What changes from week to week... day to day..? Do my physical abilities vary day to day or is it my mental abilities. From the readings I've done and conversations I've had with Ellyn the biggest variable in my training is my mental strength/focus/determination. My body doesn't talk me out of lifts it's my head. My body knows what to do. I've put in the time with my physical training. My body is fine. It's my mind. my feelings. my emotions that need to be trained more. Saying I need more work in these areas doesn't mean there hasn't been progress with the mental aspect of my lifting.. but it is my weakest part of my package... also something Ellyn and I have been working on since day one. She loves to tell stories of when I first moved to MA and where I would LITERALLY have hissy-fits on the platform when I missed a lift.. or cry when I would try to RDL with 35k... There are times when I love hearing those stories and times when I absolutely CRINGE when they get told. But all in all they show progress....
Too bad progress isn't a linear. Any kind of progress. There have been good, bad, ugly and near perfect and as far away from perfect practices on the mental front... but more and more often the good and better days appear and stay for longer.
This last practice (the last heavy day before we compete at collegiates) had it's ups and downs... mostly on the mental front... downside: being too focused about NEXT Sunday and worrying about things I 1. have no control over and 2. aren't my job to worry about. But an upside of the day was being able to put the lack of focus and distractions from the first part of practice behind me and head into the second part of practice with a calmer and more focused inner dialogue. Ellyn and I had a little pow-wow after the snatches (that didn't go as ideally and I would have liked... Ellyn was fine with them... we were able to learn from them) because I was feeling a whole bunch of negative emotions that typically get carried into the clean and jerks.. Ellyn and I talked about what we can do to get better about leaving behind the snatch "issues" (I say "issues" because there really wasn't anything wrong with them... just didn't make as many as I would have liked) so I asked her if she thought it would be a good idea to write down and "Purge the Negative" from my mind... and I did. Boy did that piece of notebook paper get full quickly! :)
When I showed Ellyn she said, "Oh! This is easy! You're worrying and trying to do my job." Here's a little secret that I've had to learn the hard way... slow. If you let your coach do their job and trust that they will... that means you, as an athlete can do yours! It's so much easier that way!! But sometimes easy to forget and get wrapped up in wanting to control and be in control of everything... and those thoughts, feelings, and impulses of wanting to be in control of EVERYTHING make lifting heavy weights hard to do.
The biggest success of the day was probably the transition from the snatch to the clean and jerks. I didn't feel weighed down by my thoughts and feelings from the snatch and I was able to focus on what I was supposed to be doing. They didn't go perfectly- but it was a big step in the right direction. My body knows what to do and my body will be fine when Ellyn and I step on the platform next Sunday... my mental strength is growing as well. My mind will be there on Sunday. I will be focused. I will be ready. Anything she puts on the bar she knows I can do. Trust. We're ready....
Sunday, September 21, 2014
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Shaking off the Dust pt. 1
Welllllllll hellllllloooo again!! I'm back at this.. hopefully one more time and more consistently with the postings! One can hope! One day at a time :)
Well a lot has been happening over the last year plus. But that's not important... yet. I'll hit the highlights and big updates below...
Probably one of the most significant things that's changed within the last year has been the success Ellyn and I have had with cutting weight. At any given day or time I would weigh around 80k which put me in the Super-Heavy weight class... which may seem ridiculous because there were times when I was LITERALLY competing against girls who were TWICE my size.. yes 160k. Theres no way I'd EVER be able to realistically compete with those girls... or even the girls who were 120k. So Ellyn brought up the idea of cutting weight for the "camp meet" that was about 2 weeks away (again, remember this was during the summer). We discussed the options and possibilities and decided we had nothing to lose and might as well try it. We were trying to hit a 202k total that would qualify me for a World Team Trials a few weeks after that.
I think it's funny looking back on the conversation because I can see the whole thing happening. I know where we were standing, I know what was said and one part of the conversation sticks out for me... Ellyn asked if I wanted time to think about our talk about trying to get down to 75k and we could start tomorrow if that was what we both felt was best. I stopped her right there and said, "Let's do it now." I can't remember what my dinner plans were... but I know they changed significantly!
The two weeks of cutting weight (aka eating vegetables and cooking real meals) wasn't as awful, painful, torturous, miserable etc as it was when we had started 6 or 8 weeks out! I may have been all of those things, but it wasn't for long! :) **Serious note. The dieting was no where nearly as challenging and draining as it was before**
The two weeks went by quickly... one week was spent at RWL 24/7 which was awesome and may have been part of the reason the dieting went so smoothly.. the other was working my 3 hours a day at the y... all things i can handle ;)
The day of the meet comes and after a sauna session and a few layers of winter clothes I get to the meet and step on the scale. 74.9. okay quick get off! made weight. now lets eat and hydrate! Ellyn and I talked about the numbers we needed to hit 85/117 and how we would get there 78/82/85 and 107/112/117. My first though... WOAH. Okay. This is crazy. SHE is crazy. But wait... the Crazy works.. okay one thing at a time. Our work isn't done. . .
Well a lot has been happening over the last year plus. But that's not important... yet. I'll hit the highlights and big updates below...
Probably one of the most significant things that's changed within the last year has been the success Ellyn and I have had with cutting weight. At any given day or time I would weigh around 80k which put me in the Super-Heavy weight class... which may seem ridiculous because there were times when I was LITERALLY competing against girls who were TWICE my size.. yes 160k. Theres no way I'd EVER be able to realistically compete with those girls... or even the girls who were 120k. So Ellyn brought up the idea of cutting weight for the "camp meet" that was about 2 weeks away (again, remember this was during the summer). We discussed the options and possibilities and decided we had nothing to lose and might as well try it. We were trying to hit a 202k total that would qualify me for a World Team Trials a few weeks after that.
I think it's funny looking back on the conversation because I can see the whole thing happening. I know where we were standing, I know what was said and one part of the conversation sticks out for me... Ellyn asked if I wanted time to think about our talk about trying to get down to 75k and we could start tomorrow if that was what we both felt was best. I stopped her right there and said, "Let's do it now." I can't remember what my dinner plans were... but I know they changed significantly!
The two weeks of cutting weight (aka eating vegetables and cooking real meals) wasn't as awful, painful, torturous, miserable etc as it was when we had started 6 or 8 weeks out! I may have been all of those things, but it wasn't for long! :) **Serious note. The dieting was no where nearly as challenging and draining as it was before**
The two weeks went by quickly... one week was spent at RWL 24/7 which was awesome and may have been part of the reason the dieting went so smoothly.. the other was working my 3 hours a day at the y... all things i can handle ;)
The day of the meet comes and after a sauna session and a few layers of winter clothes I get to the meet and step on the scale. 74.9. okay quick get off! made weight. now lets eat and hydrate! Ellyn and I talked about the numbers we needed to hit 85/117 and how we would get there 78/82/85 and 107/112/117. My first though... WOAH. Okay. This is crazy. SHE is crazy. But wait... the Crazy works.. okay one thing at a time. Our work isn't done. . .
Sunday, June 16, 2013
changing
a lot has changed since my last post a million years ago... for me, the sport of weightlifting has transformed from a one demential activity into a time where I learn and discover about myself. Being connected with Ellyn and her teaching me more about the lifts I have started to develop a deeper understanding of the sport as well as slowly uncover bits and pieces of my own life, personality, and strengths. Weightlifting has brought out the best in me as well as the worst and darkest parts of my being. It has transitioned from an activity to a learning and growing experience.
there's so much that has happened... so much that has changed.. so much I am still learning (that was the theme for 2012).. and so much I still have to get better at and move beyond. "Closing the Gap" is the them for 2013 and as the year has continued on, closing the gap has become more and more imperative... not just for my lifting career but for my success and happiness as a human outside of the weight room.
I think it's sometimes funny that people will say to others leave your life outside of _____ (fill in the blank.. work, the gym, etc) and don't worry about what's happening... ha. if it were only that easy.. everything has to be in line and everything has to be settled and focused on moving forward for the success Ellyn and I are expecting and working for to happen. when i have emotional days outside of the weight room I usually feel 'hung over' emotionally the next day... and it makes it rough, difficult, and nearly impossible to have a productive workout... that gap needs to close sooner rather than later..
there's so much more for this topic, but for now it's a good start..
there's so much that has happened... so much that has changed.. so much I am still learning (that was the theme for 2012).. and so much I still have to get better at and move beyond. "Closing the Gap" is the them for 2013 and as the year has continued on, closing the gap has become more and more imperative... not just for my lifting career but for my success and happiness as a human outside of the weight room.
I think it's sometimes funny that people will say to others leave your life outside of _____ (fill in the blank.. work, the gym, etc) and don't worry about what's happening... ha. if it were only that easy.. everything has to be in line and everything has to be settled and focused on moving forward for the success Ellyn and I are expecting and working for to happen. when i have emotional days outside of the weight room I usually feel 'hung over' emotionally the next day... and it makes it rough, difficult, and nearly impossible to have a productive workout... that gap needs to close sooner rather than later..
there's so much more for this topic, but for now it's a good start..
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
funny things.
It's funny how things work. It's funny how the moment you think it's all together it all falls apart. It's funny how things can look so up and then go down so fast. It's funny how in the darkest moments you can find some sense of twisted peace. It's funny how when you think you need someone the most you find the strength to do it on your own. Isn't it all funny..?
I guess that's life for ya. I typically like to have a plan and a schedule and know what's going on and what I'm going to be doing or not doing. And this week-ish the plans have all been thrown out the window, burned, torched, evaporated, exploded.. you get the point. It was the destruction of my said 'plans' where I had to find my own way.
I have been seeking the approval and okay of the people around me and it's only lead to frustration and disappointment on all sides. So, no more. No gray area. Black and White. Simple. Clean. Clear. Concise.
It's it funny how im writing about having plans go out the window and at the same time making plans for when the plans are out the window. It. does. not. work. but i think i'm too stubborn and/or slow to figure that out. so the plans I started making got ripped up and thrown out.. so off i am planning again. funny how i don't learn. womp.
I guess that's life for ya. I typically like to have a plan and a schedule and know what's going on and what I'm going to be doing or not doing. And this week-ish the plans have all been thrown out the window, burned, torched, evaporated, exploded.. you get the point. It was the destruction of my said 'plans' where I had to find my own way.
I have been seeking the approval and okay of the people around me and it's only lead to frustration and disappointment on all sides. So, no more. No gray area. Black and White. Simple. Clean. Clear. Concise.
It's it funny how im writing about having plans go out the window and at the same time making plans for when the plans are out the window. It. does. not. work. but i think i'm too stubborn and/or slow to figure that out. so the plans I started making got ripped up and thrown out.. so off i am planning again. funny how i don't learn. womp.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
not happy
The depths of the muck and nonsense have been worse than ever. I dont even know where to begin or how to start with this.. how to dive into the depts and sort all of the feelings and emotions. part of me wants to get extremely raw and real on here and the other part knows i shouldnt. or maybe that I cant.
right now i need and want a song or a poem or a quote that can and will accurately describe the complexity and awfulness of what i'm feeling- but i bet there's nothing out there like that... i'm not even sure where to begin.. people have asked what's wrong.. and if i'm okay.. the answers are 1. I dont know if i'm okay or what's wrong and 2. there's too much to just word vomit it all on the spot. that's the good or bad thing about text.. having unlimited time for these: ...... so my slow processing brain and emotions can sort themselves out...... the bad thing about text is that it can and often does lead to confusion when it comes to the communication of emotions and intentions of the writer/express-er..
Let's see. . . I guess it's prudent to go back to the beginning. Go back to what brought me to this great state of Massachusetts.. which i still can't spell... I came because of Ellyn. I came because of the kindness, love, affection, fun, companionship, support, the common interest and the chemistry we had from day one. It was an easy decision and has been a good one. Do I regret coming? nope. Do I want, need and desire that relationship still. yup. probably more now than ever.
i cant finish this. it's too hard. it makes my heart ache and my stomach turn into knots. all i want is for things to be better. for things to be good. better. normal. and they/me/its none of those things. maybe more if i'm up at some crazy hour or if i can't go back to sleep. ugh
right now i need and want a song or a poem or a quote that can and will accurately describe the complexity and awfulness of what i'm feeling- but i bet there's nothing out there like that... i'm not even sure where to begin.. people have asked what's wrong.. and if i'm okay.. the answers are 1. I dont know if i'm okay or what's wrong and 2. there's too much to just word vomit it all on the spot. that's the good or bad thing about text.. having unlimited time for these: ...... so my slow processing brain and emotions can sort themselves out...... the bad thing about text is that it can and often does lead to confusion when it comes to the communication of emotions and intentions of the writer/express-er..
Let's see. . . I guess it's prudent to go back to the beginning. Go back to what brought me to this great state of Massachusetts.. which i still can't spell... I came because of Ellyn. I came because of the kindness, love, affection, fun, companionship, support, the common interest and the chemistry we had from day one. It was an easy decision and has been a good one. Do I regret coming? nope. Do I want, need and desire that relationship still. yup. probably more now than ever.
i cant finish this. it's too hard. it makes my heart ache and my stomach turn into knots. all i want is for things to be better. for things to be good. better. normal. and they/me/its none of those things. maybe more if i'm up at some crazy hour or if i can't go back to sleep. ugh
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Can't sleep
I've been all out of sorts lately... Things just haven't felt right. I'm anxious. I'm worried. I'm stressed. I'm trying to find my place. I'm trying to figure out my living situation come September. I'm trying to figure out where I'm going and if I'm going alone or if there are people with me... I feel like I'm floating. Just kind of bobbing around.. Not really going in any one direction purposefully. I think that also stresses me out. I like, want, and need structure and yes I've got that in some places.. i.e. work and practice.. I have certain times I go to work and certain times I go to practice- but it just seems, right now, I'm running on a hamster wheel. working hard- or feeling like I am working hard and getting nowhere. Just working up a sweat. I don't like that. it makes me feel dumb.
I couldn't sleep this morning/night so I've been up and awake since 3.... and I think I was up at 1 too- but I was able to go back to bed for a little bit.. Maybe what I'm feeling is how i felt my first year and a half at wake... it was a hard transition- more difficult at times than others- but because of my stubbornness i wasn't going to go back home. Same thing here.. I may be tempted to 'go home' where ever that may be... but i'm not leaving unless I get kicked out. But since I've switched residency I dont plan on going away/anywhere any time soon. I guess it's one of those grin-and-bear it things for a while... hopefully not too much longer
I know I play a part of this nonsense I'm feeling- so i'm not blaming everyone else but i just need help
I couldn't sleep this morning/night so I've been up and awake since 3.... and I think I was up at 1 too- but I was able to go back to bed for a little bit.. Maybe what I'm feeling is how i felt my first year and a half at wake... it was a hard transition- more difficult at times than others- but because of my stubbornness i wasn't going to go back home. Same thing here.. I may be tempted to 'go home' where ever that may be... but i'm not leaving unless I get kicked out. But since I've switched residency I dont plan on going away/anywhere any time soon. I guess it's one of those grin-and-bear it things for a while... hopefully not too much longer
I know I play a part of this nonsense I'm feeling- so i'm not blaming everyone else but i just need help
Monday, May 21, 2012
Head versus heart
3 days in a row. that's big time. just kidding. baby steps.. Today was a little different day than normal practice. Ellyn was teaching a level 1 usa weightlifting certification today and the RWL-ers (some were taking the class and others... me and kledia..) were living and breathing weightlifters (specimens) for the people taking the level 1 certification to watch and interact with us and Ellyn. For their viewing pleasure we did snatch and clean and jerk as a team.
I was working on my new columns. I didn't hit any of my numbers, but I was closer..?.. and maybe more confident with my snatches than I was last week. The clean and jerks I gave a better effort than last week as well. I had some issues getting my left arm/elbow/wrist etc to cooperate as much as I would have liked it to. But again it was still better than last week.. or even friday. that was a not so fun practice. womp.
My latest malfunction revolves closely around the relationships and emotional malfunction of said relationships. I feel like I've gotten better about convincing myself to approach the weights and to wrap my mind around having however many kilos over my head and being confident and sure about it. Even the missing lifts and meltdowns have decreased and have been better managed- but it's the heart that drags me down.
Have you ever been in a situation where you knew in your head it was a certain way but your heart was screaming the opposite..? That's how I felt today. I knew in my head that lifting is just lifting.. woop-dee-doo, right? but the relationships that make lifting worth while, important and purposeful- when those suffer so does my lifting.. not anyones fault but my own. I can't seem to separate my heart from the rest of me.
I'm not looking for sympathy or pitty- I'm just trying to make some sense of what's going on inside of me.. this post doesn't do it any justice.. it feels like it's a below average attempt.. but that's about all I've got now.. here's to sleep, shower, and a new day...
I was working on my new columns. I didn't hit any of my numbers, but I was closer..?.. and maybe more confident with my snatches than I was last week. The clean and jerks I gave a better effort than last week as well. I had some issues getting my left arm/elbow/wrist etc to cooperate as much as I would have liked it to. But again it was still better than last week.. or even friday. that was a not so fun practice. womp.
My latest malfunction revolves closely around the relationships and emotional malfunction of said relationships. I feel like I've gotten better about convincing myself to approach the weights and to wrap my mind around having however many kilos over my head and being confident and sure about it. Even the missing lifts and meltdowns have decreased and have been better managed- but it's the heart that drags me down.
Have you ever been in a situation where you knew in your head it was a certain way but your heart was screaming the opposite..? That's how I felt today. I knew in my head that lifting is just lifting.. woop-dee-doo, right? but the relationships that make lifting worth while, important and purposeful- when those suffer so does my lifting.. not anyones fault but my own. I can't seem to separate my heart from the rest of me.
As I was driving back from the Y tonight I was thinking about this blog and what i would be saying or how I wold say it, and for some reason my time spent in 4-h popped in my head... specifically the 4 H's.. hand, heart, head, health.. I was thinking about how those four things are so intertwined with me and they all need to line up for my to have my best and most successful days in (and out) of the gym. When I'm not feeling "safe and secure" a phrase I started using as a joke with Ellyn when I was at Nationals, has really come to be true. When i feel safe and secure with my life, the relationships and the people in my life- lifting is easy.. it's fun.. and i feel powerful and confident about everything.
This is Maslow's hierarchy of needs... the bottom is the basics: food, clothing, shelter etc and the second level seems to be where I get stuck... when my job is crazy and i'm feeling lonely and am stuck in my apartment i don't do well.. I need people in my life.. I need to feel close and connected to people.. specific people and when that doesn't happen or I feel like it doesn't happen things break down... I break down..
I'm not looking for sympathy or pitty- I'm just trying to make some sense of what's going on inside of me.. this post doesn't do it any justice.. it feels like it's a below average attempt.. but that's about all I've got now.. here's to sleep, shower, and a new day...
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