Another day at the gym. It was quite the interesting one from my perspective. Things were still off for me/with me... not exactly sure what was/is going on. But I felt mostly like a blob.. or a shell.. Yes, my body was there, but my emotions, thoughts, feelings, personality, etc were gone. I made my lifts, but on more than one occasion during a lift I would be fighting back tears, or go to the bar with tears in my eyes or finish a lift and just want to cry. Not sure why. I was just feeling awful from an emotional standpoint. If I want to be completely honest with myself (and my readers) I really didn't want to go to practice today. Was it a good decision to go? or did going just make things/my feelings/attitude worse? I'm not totally sure and I don't know if there is a right answer.
From a lifting perspective, I guess it was an okay day. At the very least, it was better than yesterday because of the number of lifts I successfully completed. I'm pretty sure the squats on Tuesday, Ellyn did more of them than I did.. but that's already been written about. Today I still was snapping my knees back with snatch pauses... still not sure how to stop doing that... I don't want to do that, I don't like that I do it, and I am tired of doing it, but I don't always feel like I have the tools/key words/knowledge etc to fix it. And the snapping of my knees is 58997324 times worse when I do the snatch pauses. When I snatch at 'full speed' it's not as noticeable...? (maybe just because I'm going faster?) idk. but I actually feel like i'm doing it better when i go full speed... maybe that's me trying to save my pride and confidence in my abilities, maybe i'm doing the exact same thing and I'm too dumb to notice? maybe I am doing things better? D. all of the above? E. None of the above?
I made all of my snatch pause lifts and snatches. With front squats, I didn't need as much of a spot as I did with my back squats the other day. Squats today were hard for me. Again, the 'shell' of me was all that was there. I'm pretty sure each time I came to the bar, had the bar on me, or re-racked it, I wanted to cry. I just felt so awful. So sad. so weird. so alone. so stuck. so nothing. so everything. Again, not sure why this was happening, or why I wanted to cry after every lift. It's kind of funny in the most pathetic kind of way. Just re-reading this last paragraph it's laughable (and slightly embarrassing) to be blogging about how much I wanted to cry and probably could have cried at the drop of a hat... oh well. I think I made it through the day without an actual tear falling. So that's a success and I'm getting realllllly good at being able to NOT cry. Gotta find a silver lining somewhere, right?
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