Thanksgiving baking fest

After the holiday I realize it's beyond time to update this blog.  Those of you close to me know I love to bake and you probably know I was also in charge of dessert for Thanksgiving.  When I got the assignment I was pumped! Getting to bake for more than just myself! wooh! and that means I'll be baking more than one thing too! double wooh!! If anyone has made a big dinner or hosted Thanksgiving or Christmas etc one of the biggest fears a person has is running out of food.  I was no exception.  So I started my baking on Monday night once I was off of work... Monday night's baking consisted of peppermint bark, andy's mint bark, and white chocolate pumpkin cheesecake. 

Here's the before and after of the white-chocolate cheesecake... the top ended up cracking... so I'm still on the hunt for the perfectly perfected cheesecake.  The flavors were pretty standard, although I would have liked more of a 'white chocolate' flavor.. whatever that may or may not be..

Next on the list is the Andy's mint bark. Probably one of my favorites from this weekend! A layer of dark chocolate (melted) and chocolate cookies pressed into the melted dark chocolate.. cooled.. then white chocolate (with a little bit of green food coloring) melted down and spread over the top- then Andys mints on top of that! It tasted exactly like the Girl Scout's thin mints! (this will be made again!)

 The last thing I made Monday night was this peppermint bark.. I opted for just white chocolate and crushed candy canes, but I think it might have been better if I had put a layer of dark chocolate under it all.. but it was still delicious and it still got eaten!

Day Two of Baking started with pumpkin-pie angel food cake.  I had made this earlier in the year and since it turned out so well i wanted to make it again.  It was one of those "I know this is going to be good" desserts.  I had no idea how the cheesecake was going to turn out- so this was a safe bet for the feast.  The first photo is whipping the egg-whites and the second is me mixing in the pumpkin deliciousness

 Once it was mixed, poured, and baked I left it in the pan to cool while I started making my mini-pecan pies.. The pecan pies were something I've never made (and had been requested) so i couldn't disappoint and not make it! I even made some of the crust from scratch... The recipe was pretty simple and these too turned out pretty well.  The hardest part was getting the pies out of the pans!!

The last two items on my baking list were a pumpkin pie (also requested) and an almond bark no-bake thing.  The pumpkin pie was another thing I had never made before (i ended up using pre-made pie crust for this one) but it was a pretty simple thing to do. mix canned pumpkin and evaporated milk spices and in the oven it goes.  The almond bark stuff was super easy and is something i've made billions of times.. again it was a success and people said they liked everything I had made... there were even a few questions/suggestions about why i didn't go to culinary school. i just laughed. (i probably should have!) 

The night ended with jumbling towers (i lost), old maid (i lost), and other board games I've been accused of memorizing.  :) it was a good day spent with good people, good food, good times, and good memories. A success!

A failure full of success

My second meet as an RWL (Robinson Weightlifting) lifter has come and gone.  The results from this meet weren't as impressive on paper as the results from the beast of the east competition a month ago.  My totals this meet were 67 in the snatch and 101 in the clean and jerk... and I went 3 for 6.  Missed a snatch at 72 and at 75 and I missed my last jerk at 105.  But I'm not upset.  Part of me (a small part) wanted to be upset, but a bigger and maybe more mature (?!) part knew this meet went just fine.  Ellyn and I talked about what we/she/i wanted to do and at Trinity it was 75 and 105. So when I missed 72 and I got off the platform she said "75...?" I said yes, and she said "stick to the plan, right" yup.  Even though I missed it- my attempt was the biggest success.  And the 75 was better than the 72.  In 2 weeks there will be a different result.  75 wont be a problem.

 I don't think i'm doing a good job explaining what I'm trying to with that last paragraph.  Let me start over.  Okay. . . Ellyn often has the team take attempts at weights we are not comfortable with and/or weights we haven't made.  I would say more often than not, for myself, the misses aren't because my body isn't ready to lift the weights, but because my mind isn't ready.  With that said, taking (and sometimes making) attempts during practice when I'm nervous or have anxiety about the weight on the bar puts me in more of a game time feeling.  Learning how to manage, control, channel, ignore, reign in, etc the anxiety or nervousness that comes at meets... but doing it at practice... has paid off for me.  

With snatch I can easily say I've had an extremely small amount of confidence since I've started competing... or even before I officially got into olympic lifting.  It has been hard for me. It has been a pain. I've wanted to be better, but haven't had the knowledge, guidance, or technical know-how to do anything but stay the same.  AH-HA! that is until I moved up to the freezing state of Massachusetts and started working with Ellyn on a daily basis.  I'm not sure I would go as far as saying I enjoy snatching, but I don't dread it like I used to.  Now RDLs are my hated exercise.  :) progress... perhaps?  I think I have flipped a switch in my lifting brain that now accepts snatching as a challenge.  I've got to get better at it- there are no other options.  Here's an example of what kindof goes through my brain when it's time to snatch... How many people have been told by someone- doesn't matter who- that they can't do something or that they won't be good at something...? anyone.. ahh good I see a few hands and head nods.  At the same time this person is saying how you'll never be able to do xyz, you know you can and will do xyz and part of the motivation is going to be able to go back to this person and say "HA! told ya!!" If you tell me I can't or won't do something... I'll prove you wrong and I will take an incredible amount of joy doing what you said was 'impossible'  :)

Alright. I think I explained it more appropriately

Clean and Jerk has been my better/favorite lift since... um forever. I'm strong and I know it and when I didn't have the best technique, I was able to muscle the bar up.  Cool. I'm strong. that's always a good feeling. but there came a time when my brain got in the way of that too.  There seem to be some typical blocks  when it comes to increasing weight... 100 was one for me.  And then until this meet, 105 was another one.  The weight starts to get heavy! Then I start to question how strong I really am and then 2, 3, and 4, more kilos seems like an impossible feat.

Approaching the weight is half (let's be honest... it's a whole lot more than that) the battle.  Having me take and miss (not on purpose) lifts in practice makes me think about what I did wrong and how I can fix it next time.  Sometimes I miss lifts because I'm scared. Sometimes I miss lifts because I'm not focused.  Sometimes I miss lifts because I'm lazy. Sometimes I miss lifts because I'm not committed.  Sometimes I miss lifts because my mind isn't in the moment.  Sometimes I miss lifts because I don't feel confident. Sometimes I miss lifts because I don't feel strong.  Sometimes I miss lifts because my technique needs work.  But if you look at the sentences I wrote about where I miss lifts- it's my head that gets too involved or not involved enough.  Working on, realizing, recognizing, and managing my thoughts at practice leaves one less thing to worry about at meets.  I guess this is another post where I say "Ellyn's right" and something along the lines of "I guess she knows what she's talking about" ;-) I'm in good hands, and so is the rest of RWL.  Ellyn knows what she's doing and is starting to help me know what I'm doing too.  Thanks for all you do Ellyn...

RWL Family <3

More than a Weightlifter

Practice today was a little longer than yesterday's.  I laughed a lot more and talked to more of my teammates etc.  But I don't want this blog post to be about my lifting for two reasons, the first being it was just an average day in the weight room and the second being there are more important things in my life besides lifting... and one of them I want to talk about right now.

One of my friends, and depending on who may or may not be reading my blog at the time, possibly one of your friends as well, is fighting one of their biggest battles.  They put on a brave face and rarely let anyone know what's really happening in their life.  I have had the privilege and honor of knowing the thoughts, feelings, urges, fights, and struggles they are going through on a daily basis.  I am extremely happy they are comfortable and trusting enough in me, to let me into the darker places of their life.  Out of respect for them and their struggle they will remain nameless... and one day I hope to post a successful and joyous recovery story... but until then I will wait in joyful expectation.

My friend has an eating disorder that is slowly destroying their life, their joy, their happiness, their health and everything between.  It's awful to watch the slow demise, both physically and emotionally, of an individual with unlimited potential and the world at their fingertips... the only thing that takes up their time and energy is food (or the lack of), how much they weigh, if they're gaining weight, when the next time they can binge or binge and purge, and how to burn calories.  All of these are attempts to rid themselves of emotional pain too deep, too scary, too dark, too big, too painful, too encompassing, too everything.  The physical torture they put themselves through is so much more manageable than dealing with, recognizing, processing and working through the emotional distress.  This may seem odd to any outsider and sometimes it's hard for me to hear the stories of self-harm and restriction with food because they simply don't know how to manage the underlying emotional distress.  All of their actions are a cry for help, and their cry has been unanswered for too long.  Their family has turned a blind eye to the signs and symptoms of the anorexia, bulimia, and cutting.  No one has stood up for them and said 'this is enough', 'this needs to change', 'you need help', 'this is an unacceptable way for a 20-something  anyone to live' etc etc etc.

But that is all starting to change.  Their family still is oblivious to the severity of the situation and members of their family enable their destructive behavior and allow it to continue. It is by the bravery and motivation for a better life for themselves that the tide is starting to change.  The people that are supposed to be closest, most supportive, most attentive, most helpful are none of those things.  Doctor appointments have been specifically requested by my friend and none have been scheduled.  Half-assed excuses have been made by my friend as to why they aren't hungry and their reasons have been accepted by their entire family without a second thought.  What does that accomplish? A deeper and deeper decent into a darker and darker hole. So thanks amazing family for making recovery that much harder.  Thank you for making my friend feel even more alone, even though they are surrounded by "family".  Thank you for not talking to them about how they are doing.  Thank you for being more concerned about  your own image than the life of your sibling, of your child, of your grandchild, of your cousin.  Thank you for lying for them about eating when they haven't.  Thank you for accepting their lies about having eaten.  Thank you for not coming to the hospital.  Thank you for not staying until they got out of the hospital. Thank you for making them do this on their own.  Thank you for not stepping out of your own comfort zone to help someone else, someone you 'love'.  That my friends is no where close to what Love is or what Love is supposed to be. . .

Luckily my friend is stronger than all of that (even if they dont think so or believe it right now).  They have started to rise above the disappointment their family keeps laying down.  The pain they keep inflicting.  The support they constantly withdraw.  My friend has begun the process of finding a treatment facility and they are making the appropriate doctors appointments and keeping them.  They have recognized their own need for treatment and recovery.  Maybe it's for the best that they have to do it on their own.  Their recovery can no longer be for their family or anyone else.  Right from the beginning they are doing it solo.  Yes, I'm here to offer support and encouragement, but I'm not picking up the phone, calling doctors, researching treatment facilities, or making decisions on when or where treatment takes place.  They are doing this all on their own and I am elated it is happening now and they are doing it willingly, rather than waiting until a feeding tube has to be inserted and they really do lose all control over everything.  I tell them this frequently, but I am so incredibly proud of them and what they are doing in their steps to recovery.

They've warned me it wont always be easy or fun or even a steady improvement, and they've been right.  I've cried, I've been angry, I've been mad, I've been upset, I've been annoyed, I've been lied to, I've been to the ER, I've been to the hospital, I've been up all night, I've been everywhere it's possible to be with emotions, fear, dread, anger, hope, joy, anticipation, happiness, disappointment and everything and anything in between.  Some may say, why do you do all of this? why do you keep coming back? why? It's simple.  I'm loyal.  I told my friend I'd be there. and I am. and I will be.  From now until my 50th birthday party (at least) I'm there.  Maybe it's because I know what it's like to be alone, to be lonely, to not have anyone.. and if I can prevent someone from feeling how I've felt at one point or another, I will do it time and time again.  without a question.  Do some of the days go easier than others? Yup. Do some of them suck.. a lot? Yup. Would I rather be there than not? Yup, without a question, without a doubt, without a hesitation.

I think the thing that keeps me going the most is that things wont always be like this for my friend.  They have fought and been fighting for the last 8..? (maybe more) years and they are still here.  That happy, that fun, that loving, that caring, that healthy, that adventurous, that smart, that talented, that precious, that amazing, that fulfilled person is still there.  Yeah, there may be years of gunk and grime covering the treasure, but it doesn't mean the treasure isn't there.  It's going to take work (which has already started), it's going to take time (patience), it's going to take help (i'm here- so are other people), it's going to take strength (you have it), dedication (yup, you've got that too), persistence (and this!), and probably a good pandora station or a mix cd (or 2!).  These are my honest, hopeful, and pure thoughts about you and your situation.  It won't always be a consuming force in your life.  It won't always be this hard. It won't always be this lonely. It won't always be this confusing.  It won't always be like this.  You can do it- and when you can't that's what I'm here for.  You have people that care about you and you have people that will bend over backwards, and forwards, and sideways for you- just say the word.  

you, out of anyone deserve to be happy and free from the daily struggles of your eating disorder...

For my readers: I ask that you leave a word of encouragement or a sign of support for my friend... even if it is something as simple as leaving your name...

make-up

Since the meetings at the Y have been every Tuesday morning I have been missing the regularly scheduled tuesday practice times and Thursday is usually a day off- but now Thursday becomes Tuesday's practice.  I hope y'all can follow that.  So today being Thursday, I went in to the gym and got my Tuesday workout done.  It went by pretty quickly. okay, a lot faster than when I'm with the team.  No one to talk to, no one to film, no one to distract or be distracted by.  I got going around 930-ish and started with agility ladder followed by some box jumps from a snatch starting position.

Those two exercises usually go quickly, but today, I got attacked by a box and will have a big ole bruise on my leg- probably just in time for the meet.  The only good thing about being taken out by the box this morning (which is always embarrassing, alway funny (when it doesn't happen to you) and only slightly humorous when you do it to yourself- and that's more of a 'I'm laughing so I don't cry' reaction) was that I was all alone and there was no one there to laugh at me or be able to remind me time and time again about when I fell on my face.  whew. no cameras in there either.  whew.

After i picked myself up I got to work.  Although things went quicker by myself, I would have rather had someone (Ellyn) there with me.  I was doing jerk balances (and I've gotten better and they've been more enjoyable then when they were first assigned in this cycle) progress.  BUT it would have been helpful to have Ellyn there to help me through some of the mental doubt (?) I had about my positions, skill, strength etc.  Having here there not only makes me feel better, but I can talk/think/feel out loud what, today I kept in my own brain.  It was a pretty successful day. and rdls. did them. didn't want to cry when i did them today-- so that's good- or it meant i was doing them wrong. but I think they were okay.

Glitter is Good for the Soul

I've been ordered to get back to blogging. I asked what kind of blogging and I didn't get an answer. I'm sure it's more than just a number and then one sentence.  So I will update y'all with my lifting and life from the past whenever.  this weekend I was in some need of glitter and sunshine.  I found a few blogs that talked about glitter-izing a pair of ballet flats.  it looked fun. simple. easy. cheap. and produced fantastic results.  SO I started out with a brown pair of flats... and started layering the mod podge and glitter mixture, waiting for it to dry and doing it 3 or 4 more times... here's the process...

Brown original on the right and the first layer of glitter on the left

Both shoes with a few layers of glitter

(the white is the wet mod podge)

 Another shot of a dry shoe

 both.

 another shot of both shoes. dry and shiny.

Once the shoes were done... or maybe in the process of drying and shellacking the shoes I needed MORE glitter and I did my nails.  The first round of paint and glitter was "my significant other color" and silver sparkles... then I went with "india mood for love" and purple sparkles!

 I liked the pink better...

 Shoes and nails all together and all sparkled and glitter... made my soul happy! :) And I also made some letters (with glitter) for the Y.  I had glitter everywhere! I loved it. And it helped pass the time and lift my mood.

Lifting has been a little touchy the last few weeks.  I've been getting more hours at the Y and going to more meetings so I can step into a full time position (that allows time for training) and be in charge of a site and group of kids.  Right now I'm just waiting...

This might be important to know.. I have a meet in 3 days. oops. I don't ever pay attention to the meets and when they are until.. ummm pretty much after weigh-ins and when I start warming up.  Is that weird? I kind of feel weird that I don't get excited or nervous or pumped up(?) but when I get in the zone at the meet) I stay there and I'm focused and I perform well and more often than not I rise to the challenge and competition drives me on.  So for 3 or 4 more days I just relax and not realize there's a meet. :) Good thing I got that out of the way!

I have RDLs tomorrow and I'm super pumped.  Gotta cook my chicken between practice and work and work.  Tomorrow is my supa long day. so excited. get money get paid.

77.5 after breakfast.

emotional eating

yep. I'm an emotional eater. wont be posting a weight for tomorrow because it will most likely be through the roof. awesome. thank you emotional eating and lack of self-control.

annnd pause. . .

77.7 again.

really...?!

i do not know how this is happening... 77.7

well, that's irritating.

Same weight as yesterday. 77.2 great. not happy about that.

I just had the worlds longest day... ever.

77.2 and counting... hopefully under 76 tomorrow.

keep on truckin'!

77.3 this morning. I'm starting to think making weight is a possibility! woot! I'm making breakfast right now (eggs, broccoli and cheese) then going to take my car in to get it serviced/winterized/fixed and off to practice. A more detailed blog to follow- most likely sometime this evening

77.7 kilos this morning... a little under 6 pounds to go

Getting closer

78.2 getting closer.  Hopefully tomorrow ill be in the 77s..  Nothing like doing things at the last min! I'm motivated and focused for getting into the 75 weight class.  I have a feeling these last few kilos will be the most 'enjoyable'... but it'll be worth it.  one day at a time.

a post a day keeps the supa's away!

So I just missed my one blog post a day... by 12 min, but it is 12:12 so everyone gets to make a wish!! :)  But I don't have time to blog a ton, so here's my weight from today... 78.8k getting lower... still got some more to go, but this is a good start on teh 75k train..

Skinny Supa

For those of you who know weightlifting, or me, or a little of both, you probably know there are different weight classes for both men and women in Olympic lifting.  I am in the super-heavyweight class: 75+ that means I compete against anyone 165 pounds and up.  Most recently I am 174 pounds or 79kilos.  When I compete at National meets in the 75+ weight class I am the smallest one by a TON (pun intended!).  Being 20, 30, 40, 50 kilos lighter than everyone else makes it nearly impossible to be competitive with those girls. So it makes most sense to drop the extra 10ish pounds and compete with girls closer in weight.  And that's what I'm doing. Dropping the next 10 pounds for the Trinity meet and keeping that weight off for the American Open at the beginning of December.  It's completely do-able...

I've toyed with different ideas on how to most successfully drop weight for the next meets.  I've thought maybe a little public humiliation via my blog could be helpful.. but I think I'm too chicken for that! My idea for public humiliation was to put pictures of myself on my blog in the typical "before" and "after" fashion that is so prevalent with any weight-loss ad or gimmick. But like I said I don't think that kind of humiliation would be good! I'd probably start emotionally eating- and that's going in the wrong direction!

With that said, I am 17 days away from my next meet and I have 4 kilos to lose over the next 17 days. When I was dropping weight for Nationals this summer Ellyn said something to me that stuck... Sometimes being hungry keeps you hungry... At first I thought that was the weirdest thing ever. and sounded miserable. (it still is miserable actually) But in order to reach my own goals and the potential I believe I have.. dropping weight is vital, crucial, of the utmost importance, I think you get the idea...   For the next 17 days there will be a blog every day. even if it is just a number.  I am trying to be more accountable with my eating and my weight and this is going to be one of the ways I keep track of it all.. and y'all can too! teamwork...? lol

Here are more videos from the last week... 

As I get more put together I will put more on my blog...

Back to Blogging... Again.

I'm Back! After a hiatus with Maddy and transitioning back to being coached via text and getting ready for Maddy and a little bit of laziness I am here again.  I think there is too much I have slacked on with workouts to go over them all, but it's been an interesting transition back to not having a coach.  Don't worry. Don't worry. Don't worry. Ellyn is still my coach but she's being cool and is in Europe competing in the World Master's Olympic Lifting Meet of the Universe.. okay, so I added the last part, but she's over there being an all star so she can't be here for us little people.  ;)

I missed practice yesterday because I was taking Maddy to the airport so she could go back to the worst state :).  Because of that I had a combination of yesterday's practice and today's mixed together and in the e-mail Ellyn sent me his morning, "I'm going to have you do all your favorites between tuesday and wednesday." ugh. that means no fun for me! Snatch pause, snatch, jerk balances, and my freaking most favorite things.... RDLs. yay. not.

Snatch pauses with a snatch immediately following the pauses.  It went okay. I was getting into weird positions right off the floor, my hips were coming up and the knees and shenanigans with the feet (which we all know are from the knees snapping back... ugsdjfaklh trying to stop doing thattttt) Here's a video of my snatch pauses and a few of the actual and full speed lift.

Jerk Balances at one point were lower on my list of enjoyable exercises than clean and jerk.  But now I've considered it a challenge and have accepted the challenge of getting better at these.  And I think I have gotten better.. okay I know I have.  When I first did these on my own it was not good at all. So frustrated, lowering the weights, getting told to increase the weights, failing at the lifts even the jerk portion of the lift at more than 15kilos less than my clean and jerk PR. that's a great confidence booster. but Ellyn came in the next day and fixed me right up.  SO now it's my own personal motivation to be better than this lift.  For some reason I do well when I put a personal challenge on myself to get better at something I'm awful at. Does that make sense? i dont think it does, so let me try again.  I dont like losing, and when I've been beaten by something (a lift, a team, an exercise, a person, a game etc) I am motivated to not let that happen again.  There, that sounds better. A more accurate description of how I feel about this exercise... I had been beaten by the jerk balances and I was not going to let it happen again. I wasn't going to have another awful day with them. I was going to get better. and I wasn't going to be satisfied until I was better the best.  I didn't quite make it to being the best today, but I got closer.  Here's a video of the jerk balances and jerks I did today.  I will try and find/put together other videos from previous weeks so you can (hopefully!) see the difference and improvement between the weeks.

That's about it for now!! I've got 2 weeks worth of videos to edit and send out, so I've better get going! But, I'm back and happy to be blogging again!