day 5

and the pathetic and useless feeling has hit. yep. i feel great. apparently i cannot be trusted with my own body. yahhoo. feeling even better.  because i want to be able to be self sufficient and on my own i am deemed untrustworthy.  i dont want to have to depend on everyone or someone or anyone but myself to be able to put myself together on a daily basis.  that just makes me feel even more pathetic (useless) when im told i cant or shouldn't do every-day simple things.

let me make it clear im not mad at the people who have said those things to me.. im just upset and hurt(?) by having those things said about me.  It's like parents who tell their kids they are angry/upset with the things their kids have done, but not at the kids themselves.  same thing here.

I want to be better and I want to be lifting with the team already.  Today when I lifted i was on the other side of the wall starting, doing, and completing my workout before most of the team even started... granted I had to rush off to be with the craziest kids i have ever met for 7 straight hours- but i already felt alienated(?) separated (?) apart(?) different (?) alone (?) etc from the team... i dont know if it was the shortened and modified workout, my own crazy brain, the physical separation, being 'kicked off' my platform (i know i wasnt- but it felt like it because i was on the 'other side' of the gym, cant use a bar, or two hands, etc and i know itd be dumb for me to take up that space with my one legged squats and bicep curls).  but these are my thoughts and these are my feelings about day 5.  i know people may be offended and/or hurt by my rambling, but it's not meant to be censored.  Am I embarrassed i feel this way and think this way? yeah, sometimes I am and sometimes it's a lot worse than others.  I've thought about writing my darkest thoughts in this and waiting to post it until a day or two later when the biggest waves have come and gone... right now I don't really care.  I dont think i can feel worse.  i dont know if i can be more upset. maybe when i wakeup at 4am tomorrow i will be, but i dont even know if that will make it worse.

i guess today i was good at being pathetic and self-destructive