ok. im back... again. I feel like i say that too much and too often. but the holidays, vacation, surgery, traveling, friends, weird work schedule, no work schedule... free time.. whhhhat? and maybe a little bit of laziness thrown in just because I can and want to. Sometimes it's good to take those breaks, but i guess my break has gone on long enough and i guess it's starting to be detrimental (for lack of a better word) to my lifting and focus.
I'll be the first to admit- things have been off for me since surgery. it's hard to be full swing, going to nationals, being a few silly kilos away from placing, and then less than a week later be out for 4....5...6...7...8...? weeks. not knowing when i'll be back at the national level or beyond. just waiting. not knowing what's coming.. or not coming.. what i'm supposed to do with myself when lifting doesn't take front and center... simply because it's just too hard or scary to think about what happens if i don't get back to where i was.... and i have had a lot of people tell me not to worry about it and that i will be fine.. but until i have that 105 over my head again i dont know if i'll believe it... so i don't think about it.
it's been easier to be with friends, to be home, to show my mom how to clean and jerk, squat, snatch, etc. it's easier to sit around and watch 2 seasons of Dexter, to get dressed up and go out on new years (cast and all) and make a fool out of myself... it's just easier and maybe more convenient to not be focusing on something i can't do. part of me thinks.. okay how many one legged squats can i do and still trick myself into thinking and feeling like im being a productive part of the team.. my efforts in the weight room (to me) seem to be insignificant and lax because of the few things i can do. If i can't be part of the team from an athletic and competitive point, i better be part of the team from a social aspect... i've got to keep myself relevant and involved... so i was trying.
maybe i should stop. idk. i try to keep the important people in my life happy and proud of me and i feel extremely awful that i've let down Ellyn. I'm sure when she reads this (hi ellyn) she'll tell me that's not true. I don't make things easy on her, but i'm not sure who i do make things easy on.. i guess that's part of me and the old hardened person i've become.. too many people have hurt me, used me, abused me and left me.. so I'm mean, stubborn, hot and cold, crazy, moody, awful, occasionally i'll let people in and be open with them.. and then sometimes (HA!) i'll go back to the laundry list of completely attractive and fun qualities i just listed. i think that's my own protective (learned behavior) way of getting along in life... making sure the people who want to be around me really like/love (maybe one day) me for me.. even with the moodiness etc BUUUUUUUUT this all is supposed to help explain myself to Ellyn (and others out there who have experienced some of my silliness). It's not like Ellyn and I haven't had this talk in about 50 different ways before, but i'm trying to figure out how i can survive (financially, physically-food clothing shelter etc) while chasing after the dream of being an Olympian...
How do i do all of these things and keep everyone happy? is it possible? I'd like to think my sun-up to sun-down schedule at wake has trained me perfectly for this.. working, lifting, working, lifting, lifting sleeping repeat... but i guess that's like my wrist. I don't know what's going to happen with that... same thing with my daily schedule... i dont want to get sucked into the world of full time work and lose out on lifting.. i dont. i don't know how many ways i can say that or prove that to myself or others... i want to be self sufficient, i want to be able to train 6 days a week, i want to be the best lifter i can be.. and i dont think that will happen the way things are going now.. and that frustrates me. I didn't move to Massachusetts to work at part time job at the Y... I came to get better and to chase a dream...
Sacrifice. That's a word that often accompanies stories Ellyn has told me about her time in London. One of the athletes she met over there talked frequently about sacrifices they had to make to be at the olympic test event and the sacrifices they have to make on a daily basis... i guess i need more of that.. it's scary. but it's one of those things where you cant dip your toes in the water- you've just got to cannonball right in. and once youre in you either sink or float... and sinking has never been an option for me.. so I guess i need someone to take me to the pool and maybe give me a push when i get to the edge because I am scared. any takers....
p.s. sorry i didn't make it to bed by curfew, but i did roll and stretch. . .
I NEED MORE BLOGSSSSSSSSS
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