More than a Weightlifter

Practice today was a little longer than yesterday's.  I laughed a lot more and talked to more of my teammates etc.  But I don't want this blog post to be about my lifting for two reasons, the first being it was just an average day in the weight room and the second being there are more important things in my life besides lifting... and one of them I want to talk about right now.

One of my friends, and depending on who may or may not be reading my blog at the time, possibly one of your friends as well, is fighting one of their biggest battles.  They put on a brave face and rarely let anyone know what's really happening in their life.  I have had the privilege and honor of knowing the thoughts, feelings, urges, fights, and struggles they are going through on a daily basis.  I am extremely happy they are comfortable and trusting enough in me, to let me into the darker places of their life.  Out of respect for them and their struggle they will remain nameless... and one day I hope to post a successful and joyous recovery story... but until then I will wait in joyful expectation.

My friend has an eating disorder that is slowly destroying their life, their joy, their happiness, their health and everything between.  It's awful to watch the slow demise, both physically and emotionally, of an individual with unlimited potential and the world at their fingertips... the only thing that takes up their time and energy is food (or the lack of), how much they weigh, if they're gaining weight, when the next time they can binge or binge and purge, and how to burn calories.  All of these are attempts to rid themselves of emotional pain too deep, too scary, too dark, too big, too painful, too encompassing, too everything.  The physical torture they put themselves through is so much more manageable than dealing with, recognizing, processing and working through the emotional distress.  This may seem odd to any outsider and sometimes it's hard for me to hear the stories of self-harm and restriction with food because they simply don't know how to manage the underlying emotional distress.  All of their actions are a cry for help, and their cry has been unanswered for too long.  Their family has turned a blind eye to the signs and symptoms of the anorexia, bulimia, and cutting.  No one has stood up for them and said 'this is enough', 'this needs to change', 'you need help', 'this is an unacceptable way for a 20-something  anyone to live' etc etc etc.

But that is all starting to change.  Their family still is oblivious to the severity of the situation and members of their family enable their destructive behavior and allow it to continue. It is by the bravery and motivation for a better life for themselves that the tide is starting to change.  The people that are supposed to be closest, most supportive, most attentive, most helpful are none of those things.  Doctor appointments have been specifically requested by my friend and none have been scheduled.  Half-assed excuses have been made by my friend as to why they aren't hungry and their reasons have been accepted by their entire family without a second thought.  What does that accomplish? A deeper and deeper decent into a darker and darker hole. So thanks amazing family for making recovery that much harder.  Thank you for making my friend feel even more alone, even though they are surrounded by "family".  Thank you for not talking to them about how they are doing.  Thank you for being more concerned about  your own image than the life of your sibling, of your child, of your grandchild, of your cousin.  Thank you for lying for them about eating when they haven't.  Thank you for accepting their lies about having eaten.  Thank you for not coming to the hospital.  Thank you for not staying until they got out of the hospital. Thank you for making them do this on their own.  Thank you for not stepping out of your own comfort zone to help someone else, someone you 'love'.  That my friends is no where close to what Love is or what Love is supposed to be. . .

Luckily my friend is stronger than all of that (even if they dont think so or believe it right now).  They have started to rise above the disappointment their family keeps laying down.  The pain they keep inflicting.  The support they constantly withdraw.  My friend has begun the process of finding a treatment facility and they are making the appropriate doctors appointments and keeping them.  They have recognized their own need for treatment and recovery.  Maybe it's for the best that they have to do it on their own.  Their recovery can no longer be for their family or anyone else.  Right from the beginning they are doing it solo.  Yes, I'm here to offer support and encouragement, but I'm not picking up the phone, calling doctors, researching treatment facilities, or making decisions on when or where treatment takes place.  They are doing this all on their own and I am elated it is happening now and they are doing it willingly, rather than waiting until a feeding tube has to be inserted and they really do lose all control over everything.  I tell them this frequently, but I am so incredibly proud of them and what they are doing in their steps to recovery.

They've warned me it wont always be easy or fun or even a steady improvement, and they've been right.  I've cried, I've been angry, I've been mad, I've been upset, I've been annoyed, I've been lied to, I've been to the ER, I've been to the hospital, I've been up all night, I've been everywhere it's possible to be with emotions, fear, dread, anger, hope, joy, anticipation, happiness, disappointment and everything and anything in between.  Some may say, why do you do all of this? why do you keep coming back? why? It's simple.  I'm loyal.  I told my friend I'd be there. and I am. and I will be.  From now until my 50th birthday party (at least) I'm there.  Maybe it's because I know what it's like to be alone, to be lonely, to not have anyone.. and if I can prevent someone from feeling how I've felt at one point or another, I will do it time and time again.  without a question.  Do some of the days go easier than others? Yup. Do some of them suck.. a lot? Yup. Would I rather be there than not? Yup, without a question, without a doubt, without a hesitation.

I think the thing that keeps me going the most is that things wont always be like this for my friend.  They have fought and been fighting for the last 8..? (maybe more) years and they are still here.  That happy, that fun, that loving, that caring, that healthy, that adventurous, that smart, that talented, that precious, that amazing, that fulfilled person is still there.  Yeah, there may be years of gunk and grime covering the treasure, but it doesn't mean the treasure isn't there.  It's going to take work (which has already started), it's going to take time (patience), it's going to take help (i'm here- so are other people), it's going to take strength (you have it), dedication (yup, you've got that too), persistence (and this!), and probably a good pandora station or a mix cd (or 2!).  These are my honest, hopeful, and pure thoughts about you and your situation.  It won't always be a consuming force in your life.  It won't always be this hard. It won't always be this lonely. It won't always be this confusing.  It won't always be like this.  You can do it- and when you can't that's what I'm here for.  You have people that care about you and you have people that will bend over backwards, and forwards, and sideways for you- just say the word.  

you, out of anyone deserve to be happy and free from the daily struggles of your eating disorder...

For my readers: I ask that you leave a word of encouragement or a sign of support for my friend... even if it is something as simple as leaving your name...