not happy

The depths of the muck and nonsense have been worse than ever.  I dont even know where to begin or how to start with this.. how to dive into the depts and sort all of the feelings and emotions. part of me wants to get extremely raw and real on here and the other part knows i shouldnt.  or maybe that I cant.

right now i need and want a song or a poem or a quote that can and will accurately describe the complexity and awfulness of what i'm feeling- but i bet there's nothing out there like that... i'm not even sure where to begin.. people have asked what's wrong.. and if i'm okay.. the answers are 1. I dont know if i'm okay or what's wrong and 2. there's too much to just word vomit it all on the spot. that's the good or bad thing about text.. having unlimited time for these:  ......  so my slow processing brain and emotions can sort themselves out......  the bad thing about text is that it can and often does lead to confusion when it comes to the communication of emotions and intentions of the writer/express-er..

Let's see. . . I guess it's prudent to go back to the beginning. Go back to what  brought me to this great state of Massachusetts.. which i still can't spell... I came because of Ellyn. I came because of the kindness, love, affection, fun, companionship, support, the common interest and the chemistry we had from day one.  It was an easy decision and has been a good one.  Do I regret coming? nope. Do I want, need and desire that relationship still. yup. probably more now than ever.

i  cant finish this. it's too hard. it makes my heart ache and my stomach turn into knots. all i want is for things to be better. for things to be good. better. normal. and they/me/its none of those things. maybe more if i'm up at some crazy hour or if i can't go back to sleep. ugh

Can't sleep

I've been all out of sorts lately... Things just haven't felt right.  I'm anxious.  I'm worried.  I'm stressed. I'm trying to find my place. I'm trying to figure out my living situation come September. I'm trying to figure out where I'm going and if I'm going alone or if there are people with me... I feel like I'm floating.  Just kind of bobbing around.. Not really going in any one direction purposefully.  I think that also stresses me out.  I like, want, and need structure and yes I've got that in some places.. i.e. work and practice.. I have certain times I go to work and certain times I go to practice- but it just seems, right now, I'm running on a hamster wheel. working hard- or feeling like I am working hard and getting nowhere.  Just working up a sweat.  I don't like that.  it makes me feel dumb.

I couldn't sleep this morning/night so I've been up and awake since 3.... and I think I was up at 1 too- but I was able to go back to bed for a little bit.. Maybe what I'm feeling is how i felt my first year and a half at wake... it was a hard transition- more difficult at times than others- but because of my stubbornness i wasn't going to go back home.  Same thing here.. I may be tempted to 'go home' where ever that may be... but i'm not leaving unless I get kicked out. But since I've switched residency I dont plan on going away/anywhere any time soon.  I guess it's one of those grin-and-bear it things for a while... hopefully not too much longer

I know I play a part of this nonsense I'm feeling- so i'm not blaming everyone else but i just need help

Head versus heart

3 days in a row. that's big time. just kidding. baby steps.. Today was a little different day than normal practice. Ellyn was teaching a level 1 usa weightlifting certification today and the RWL-ers (some were taking the class and others... me and kledia..) were living and breathing weightlifters (specimens) for the people taking the level 1 certification to watch and interact with us and Ellyn.  For their viewing pleasure we did snatch and clean and jerk as a team.

I was working on my new columns. I didn't hit any of my numbers, but I was closer..?.. and maybe more confident with my snatches than I was last week.  The clean and jerks I gave a better effort than last week as well.  I had some issues getting my left arm/elbow/wrist etc to cooperate as much as I would have liked it to.  But again it was still better than last week.. or even friday. that was a not so fun practice. womp.

My latest malfunction revolves closely around the relationships and emotional malfunction of said relationships.  I feel like I've gotten better about convincing myself to approach the weights and to wrap my mind around having however many kilos over my head and being confident and sure about it.  Even the missing lifts and meltdowns have decreased and have been better managed- but it's the heart that drags me down.

Have you ever been in a situation where you knew in your head it was a certain way but your heart was screaming the opposite..? That's how I felt today.  I knew in my head that lifting is just lifting.. woop-dee-doo, right? but the relationships that make lifting worth while,  important and purposeful- when those suffer so does my lifting.. not anyones fault but my own.  I can't seem to separate my heart from the rest of me.

As I was driving back from the Y tonight I was thinking about this blog and what i would be saying or how I wold say it, and for some reason my time spent in 4-h popped in my head... specifically the 4 H's.. hand, heart, head, health.. I was thinking about how those four things are so intertwined with me and they all need to line up for my to have my best and most successful days in (and out) of the gym. When I'm not feeling "safe and secure" a phrase I started using as a joke with Ellyn when I was at Nationals, has really come to be true.  When i feel safe and secure with my life, the relationships and the people in my life- lifting is easy.. it's fun.. and i feel powerful and confident about everything.

  This is Maslow's hierarchy of needs... the bottom is the basics: food, clothing, shelter etc and the second level seems to be where I get stuck... when my job is crazy and i'm feeling lonely and am stuck in my apartment i don't do well.. I need people in my life.. I need to feel close and connected to people.. specific people and when that doesn't happen or I feel like it doesn't happen things break down... I break down.. 

I'm not looking for sympathy or pitty- I'm just trying to make some sense of what's going on inside of me.. this post doesn't do it any justice.. it feels like it's a below average attempt.. but that's about all I've got now.. here's to sleep, shower, and a new day...

Sunday Fun-day!

Look at me go! 2 posts in a row! woah baby- let's just see if I can keep it up during the week.  With the weather being nicer (read: lovely, amazing, fantastic, etc) I have decided to get up and out of my apartment and go enjoy the sunshine.  Yesterday I walked around Bridgewater and eventually made it to East Bridgewater.. then I walked to the local middle school to run the bleachers and to read a little as well.

Over the last two days I've almost made it through my book.....

It's a good and quick read so it's been perfect for the warm sunny days we've had this weekend! I might go and read more tonight if I get the rest of my stuff done! :)

I was going to go read and relax on the bleachers but apparently there's lacrosse on Sunday afternoons so I found a bench next to the school and sat and read for a while there- but then I decided to move to the grass where I'd have the option of shade or sun.  This is where I relocated to...

 and this was my view as I was laying on the grass.. not too bad! I was also playing with the camera I got on my birthday so there are some im-trying-to-be-artistic-and-fun photos coming up

These were some of my supplies...

Sunscreen, a book, a long sleeve RWL t-shirt, water

One can't forget this either...!

I decided my nails were a perfect length for a nice french manicure so I brought some of my friends with me! My white nail-polish is about shot- so the tips didn't turn out like I wanted them- but they'll do for now.  When this starts chipping I'll change up the french-manicure colors.  

Here's an "i'm trying to be artistic" and "im playing with my camera" photo of some of the grass-flowers(?) This photo is mostly for my mom because she kept asking if I've used my camera yet.. YEP! I have Mom!!  

I hope the weather continues like this! I could spend every weekend the same! But i'll be out of books pretty quickly!! 

Happy Sunday!

Here I go again. Jumping back on the blogging train...(?) Not sure that makes a whole lot of sense, but I'm going to go with it! I'll blame it on me being rusty- since I haven't blogged in MONTHS. All time low.  But I figured as I'm waiting for my phone to get charged I can spend some time talking to myself.  :)

There's been a lot going on and happening since.. umm, February. So I will give you the down and dirty.. wait that's not right either... QUICK and dirty.. lol that's better.  I told you it'd been a while! I just had to go back and re-read my last few posts because I couldn't remember where I left off.  I had made my goal sheet- and was nervous about that. nervous about putting it all out there. nervous about going to places I've never been- mentally, emotionally, physically, athletically, everything.  New can be scary!

Man, I wish I hadn't waited so long to start blogging again because there's been a lot of progress that's been made.  Daggum.

On the road to recovery, Ellyn and I had created a road map each week to progress to collegiates.  We started the week of February 19th and went through April 15th when I competed in Louisiana at University Nationals.  Ellyn and I creatively called this "The Plan".  There were three columns: CONSERVATIVE, MODERATE, and AGGRESSIVE.  The Plan and the structure of the plan was put in place to guide, push, and pace my recovery.  The goal each week was to hit the Aggressive columns, but if there was any pain in my wrist Ellyn and I knew we would stop.  Our communication and connection throughout this plan was pretty darn perfect- and the columns helped with that.  There were a few days when the lifts were going REALLY well and the numbers in the Aggressive column were a piece of cake- but because we had a plan Ellyn and I stopped there.  The Plan helped keep us both in check.  Pushing us and preventing us from doing too much.  It's easy to get caught up in wanting to do one more, and add another kilo and seeing how far we could go- but the consequences of adding that extra kilo or taking another rep could be devastating for the health of my wrist.  So we waited and we stuck to the plan.

Here's a picture of The Plan that Ellyn and I used

Before Collegiates/University's I competed in two meets: Atlantic States Open- where I was a late entry.. aka the day of... and the Ginny Robinson Memorial Meet... At the Atlantic States (February 19th)I was out of my cast for about three weeks, but I was well, and able enough to compete- so I did.  I finished with at 110 total (snatched 50 and clean and jerked 60).  I felt kind of silly lifting those weights, but that's where I was, and I was happy with my performance.  At the Ginny Meet (March 16th) I hit at 150 total (65 snatch and 85 clean and jerk).  I was getting closer and closer to 'being back' but there was still work to be done.  The Ginny meet was big for me because I had hit the A-session numbers for Collegiates. I was on my way back! Here's a video of the Ginny Meet

Another month-ish of training and then comes Collegiates.  There was a.. umm.. major melt down in the airport on the way down there... I wasn't close to making weight and Ellyn had to tell me I'd be competing as a 75+.  I was so frustrated, upset, mad, disappointed etc and it took the whole trip down to Louisiana to finish my crying and actually act like a normal person.  Ellyn was surprised I didn't take the whole weekend to pull myself out of my funk- but maybe I'm learning a thing or two. . .?

So I was down there with my team and I got to eat and I got to me merry and I got to lift.  What's there to be upset about.. i mean honestly!? The first two days of the meet the rest of the team competed and did really well.  For a lot of them it was their first national meet and the results were top-notch.  Very proud to be RWL with everyone there!

When I lifted there were 4 people in my session and that included the 75s and 75+. It went quick. Just my speed! I missed my first snatch. oops. and especially oops after hitting the same number in the back. oopsy! so once I missed that one I was determined to not miss the others.  My snatch lifts went 65-miss, 65 make, 68 make.  Clean and jerks I went 92-make, 95-make and 98-make.  I finished second with a total of 166- which was only 2 kilos off of my American Open total before surgery.

The cool thing about hitting those numbers (98 was a national level life-time PR) was that my wrist didn't feel like it was 100%.  It still doesn't, but every day it's closer and closer to getting there.  Two weeks after Collegiates there was another meet- West Hartford Open and again I missed my opening snatch after taking it in the back. womp. felt like a dummy when that happened.. again.  I missed 64, made 64, and then made 70 (post surgery PR) and with the clean and jerks Ellyn and I opened at 98- which is where I finished at collegiates.. made it, then went to 101 made it and then 104 and made that. The 104 was a life-time PR for clean and jerk. Here's a link to the video from that meet.. Hartford Open

This is a photo of the back of my lifting notebook.  It's got my totals from each of the last 5 meets I've done.  Starting with the American Open (pre-surgery) and the last 4 meets.  It's a nice reminder of the work I've done and that there's still more to go! 

Now the lifting cycle is focusing on getting us all stronger.  I think it's working.  I want to catch up to the boys this summer.  I want to be squatting what they squat.  I am chasing them down.. and I think some of them are scared :) They should be!

That's been the short of the last few months.. I forgot how much I like and enjoy writing about my lifting- so I'm going to work on doing a better job with staying up to date on it all.