not happy

The depths of the muck and nonsense have been worse than ever.  I dont even know where to begin or how to start with this.. how to dive into the depts and sort all of the feelings and emotions. part of me wants to get extremely raw and real on here and the other part knows i shouldnt.  or maybe that I cant.

right now i need and want a song or a poem or a quote that can and will accurately describe the complexity and awfulness of what i'm feeling- but i bet there's nothing out there like that... i'm not even sure where to begin.. people have asked what's wrong.. and if i'm okay.. the answers are 1. I dont know if i'm okay or what's wrong and 2. there's too much to just word vomit it all on the spot. that's the good or bad thing about text.. having unlimited time for these:  ......  so my slow processing brain and emotions can sort themselves out......  the bad thing about text is that it can and often does lead to confusion when it comes to the communication of emotions and intentions of the writer/express-er..

Let's see. . . I guess it's prudent to go back to the beginning. Go back to what  brought me to this great state of Massachusetts.. which i still can't spell... I came because of Ellyn. I came because of the kindness, love, affection, fun, companionship, support, the common interest and the chemistry we had from day one.  It was an easy decision and has been a good one.  Do I regret coming? nope. Do I want, need and desire that relationship still. yup. probably more now than ever.

i  cant finish this. it's too hard. it makes my heart ache and my stomach turn into knots. all i want is for things to be better. for things to be good. better. normal. and they/me/its none of those things. maybe more if i'm up at some crazy hour or if i can't go back to sleep. ugh