Head versus heart

3 days in a row. that's big time. just kidding. baby steps.. Today was a little different day than normal practice. Ellyn was teaching a level 1 usa weightlifting certification today and the RWL-ers (some were taking the class and others... me and kledia..) were living and breathing weightlifters (specimens) for the people taking the level 1 certification to watch and interact with us and Ellyn.  For their viewing pleasure we did snatch and clean and jerk as a team.

I was working on my new columns. I didn't hit any of my numbers, but I was closer..?.. and maybe more confident with my snatches than I was last week.  The clean and jerks I gave a better effort than last week as well.  I had some issues getting my left arm/elbow/wrist etc to cooperate as much as I would have liked it to.  But again it was still better than last week.. or even friday. that was a not so fun practice. womp.

My latest malfunction revolves closely around the relationships and emotional malfunction of said relationships.  I feel like I've gotten better about convincing myself to approach the weights and to wrap my mind around having however many kilos over my head and being confident and sure about it.  Even the missing lifts and meltdowns have decreased and have been better managed- but it's the heart that drags me down.

Have you ever been in a situation where you knew in your head it was a certain way but your heart was screaming the opposite..? That's how I felt today.  I knew in my head that lifting is just lifting.. woop-dee-doo, right? but the relationships that make lifting worth while,  important and purposeful- when those suffer so does my lifting.. not anyones fault but my own.  I can't seem to separate my heart from the rest of me.

As I was driving back from the Y tonight I was thinking about this blog and what i would be saying or how I wold say it, and for some reason my time spent in 4-h popped in my head... specifically the 4 H's.. hand, heart, head, health.. I was thinking about how those four things are so intertwined with me and they all need to line up for my to have my best and most successful days in (and out) of the gym. When I'm not feeling "safe and secure" a phrase I started using as a joke with Ellyn when I was at Nationals, has really come to be true.  When i feel safe and secure with my life, the relationships and the people in my life- lifting is easy.. it's fun.. and i feel powerful and confident about everything.

  This is Maslow's hierarchy of needs... the bottom is the basics: food, clothing, shelter etc and the second level seems to be where I get stuck... when my job is crazy and i'm feeling lonely and am stuck in my apartment i don't do well.. I need people in my life.. I need to feel close and connected to people.. specific people and when that doesn't happen or I feel like it doesn't happen things break down... I break down.. 

I'm not looking for sympathy or pitty- I'm just trying to make some sense of what's going on inside of me.. this post doesn't do it any justice.. it feels like it's a below average attempt.. but that's about all I've got now.. here's to sleep, shower, and a new day...