Here we are... a few quick weeks past University Championships... lots of work still to be done to be ready for Thailand. Ellyn has said to me many times I have all the tools and I need to let myself be ready to lift big weights. She's given me all the cues, the technical work, the strength I'll need to be successful. She's done all that she can and has needed to do for me to be successful.... she's coached me exactly how I've needed to be. And now it's my turn to believe in myself. To see myself be successful. To pay attention to the small things. To be better. To be more confident. To be stronger mentally. To be present. To appreciate the time. To appreciate the process. To enjoy the process and see it as a once in a life time opportunity- and RUN with it. Focus forward and on the next step.
Over the last two weeks Ellyn has given me mental training to do before my physical training. I've been taking a few moments before practice to write, think about, meditate and then regurgitate the training from the words she's given me into words of my own. Phrases that I can make my own. Phrases that resound with me. Phrases I need to remember and focus on. Phrases Ellyn needs me to remember and believe and become second nature. It's a process. Slower for me than probably most :) but that's how I like things... makes it easy for Ellyn too.. I'm easier to keep track of ;)
As the process started I didn't think too much about it... didn't think it would really work or make a difference.. and did it more from a place of it was something I was supposed to do.. As the mental training went on I started to believe in it more... believe in the process and actually feel a difference at practice.... even when i was alone.. the phrases continued to ring in my head and I got excited to get better at the little things.. i got excited for Thailand... I got excited for the days training... I got excited to get better... I got excited to represent my country... I got excited for the chance to fulfill the plans and progress and thoughts and plans and replanning Ellyn and I have gone through the last 4 years. This goal that seemed so distant.. even as I was at Collegiates... doesn't seem like it's real and that all the time, effort, energy, frustration, happiness, success, time and more time and learning about each other and what makes us tick.. and work so well together.. came together. It was a perfect storm.
I keep thinking back to New Mexico and how the meet went... Missing my 3rd snatch.. figuring I was done and out of the running for the title... no shot at anything... then the quick conversation with Ellyn between the two lifts.. her asking me if I can make the jump from 105 to 118 or 121... me telling her.. i'm not sure.. and both of us agreeing that this is what we came for... this is what we've been training for... why come all this way to end up with a PR and no chance of doing anything but coming back to Boston... Let's do this.. let's try... I've always wanted to be the exception... be the one that things were different for.. be the one no one thought would or could do it.. and then BOOM.. do it! I like being the under dog {{roll dawgs}} and coming out of the back and doing the unthinkable... and in New Mexico we did!
My last National meet as a 75 my total was 168(?) so who would expect much more..? ha. I know at least a few people! But then to come out of virtually left field and finish with a 200k total even surprised me. Especially with the shitty... yes shitty... training... aka jerks... I'd been having prior to the meet... When I was competing and I had missed my last snatch I had given up most of my hope... thinking the snatch was my lift... Ha. On the wing and the prayer we'd been praying for the last 4 years... the physical... the mental.. the relationship... all took a turn when we stepped on the platform in New Mexico. We discovered a new us.. still working on what the new us is.. but it felt right... it felt like it was supposed to be.. it felt like we had done it together... it felt story book perfect... the perfect sports movie.... missing my last 2 warmups... cracking my chin on my first two jerks.. blood and sweat and a few tears got us to Thailand... and that will be a whole new level of nerves, excitement, planning, preparation, and training... mentally and physically...
Getting ready... one day at a time.. one box checked off the list.... paying attention to the fundamentals and the small boring steps we need to take to be able to build our mental tool box... to be ready for the next time we'll need a wing and a prayer...
Friday, October 17, 2014
Sunday, September 21, 2014
Mind Games
What changes from week to week... day to day..? Do my physical abilities vary day to day or is it my mental abilities. From the readings I've done and conversations I've had with Ellyn the biggest variable in my training is my mental strength/focus/determination. My body doesn't talk me out of lifts it's my head. My body knows what to do. I've put in the time with my physical training. My body is fine. It's my mind. my feelings. my emotions that need to be trained more. Saying I need more work in these areas doesn't mean there hasn't been progress with the mental aspect of my lifting.. but it is my weakest part of my package... also something Ellyn and I have been working on since day one. She loves to tell stories of when I first moved to MA and where I would LITERALLY have hissy-fits on the platform when I missed a lift.. or cry when I would try to RDL with 35k... There are times when I love hearing those stories and times when I absolutely CRINGE when they get told. But all in all they show progress....
Too bad progress isn't a linear. Any kind of progress. There have been good, bad, ugly and near perfect and as far away from perfect practices on the mental front... but more and more often the good and better days appear and stay for longer.
This last practice (the last heavy day before we compete at collegiates) had it's ups and downs... mostly on the mental front... downside: being too focused about NEXT Sunday and worrying about things I 1. have no control over and 2. aren't my job to worry about. But an upside of the day was being able to put the lack of focus and distractions from the first part of practice behind me and head into the second part of practice with a calmer and more focused inner dialogue. Ellyn and I had a little pow-wow after the snatches (that didn't go as ideally and I would have liked... Ellyn was fine with them... we were able to learn from them) because I was feeling a whole bunch of negative emotions that typically get carried into the clean and jerks.. Ellyn and I talked about what we can do to get better about leaving behind the snatch "issues" (I say "issues" because there really wasn't anything wrong with them... just didn't make as many as I would have liked) so I asked her if she thought it would be a good idea to write down and "Purge the Negative" from my mind... and I did. Boy did that piece of notebook paper get full quickly! :)
When I showed Ellyn she said, "Oh! This is easy! You're worrying and trying to do my job." Here's a little secret that I've had to learn the hard way... slow. If you let your coach do their job and trust that they will... that means you, as an athlete can do yours! It's so much easier that way!! But sometimes easy to forget and get wrapped up in wanting to control and be in control of everything... and those thoughts, feelings, and impulses of wanting to be in control of EVERYTHING make lifting heavy weights hard to do.
The biggest success of the day was probably the transition from the snatch to the clean and jerks. I didn't feel weighed down by my thoughts and feelings from the snatch and I was able to focus on what I was supposed to be doing. They didn't go perfectly- but it was a big step in the right direction. My body knows what to do and my body will be fine when Ellyn and I step on the platform next Sunday... my mental strength is growing as well. My mind will be there on Sunday. I will be focused. I will be ready. Anything she puts on the bar she knows I can do. Trust. We're ready....
Too bad progress isn't a linear. Any kind of progress. There have been good, bad, ugly and near perfect and as far away from perfect practices on the mental front... but more and more often the good and better days appear and stay for longer.
This last practice (the last heavy day before we compete at collegiates) had it's ups and downs... mostly on the mental front... downside: being too focused about NEXT Sunday and worrying about things I 1. have no control over and 2. aren't my job to worry about. But an upside of the day was being able to put the lack of focus and distractions from the first part of practice behind me and head into the second part of practice with a calmer and more focused inner dialogue. Ellyn and I had a little pow-wow after the snatches (that didn't go as ideally and I would have liked... Ellyn was fine with them... we were able to learn from them) because I was feeling a whole bunch of negative emotions that typically get carried into the clean and jerks.. Ellyn and I talked about what we can do to get better about leaving behind the snatch "issues" (I say "issues" because there really wasn't anything wrong with them... just didn't make as many as I would have liked) so I asked her if she thought it would be a good idea to write down and "Purge the Negative" from my mind... and I did. Boy did that piece of notebook paper get full quickly! :)
When I showed Ellyn she said, "Oh! This is easy! You're worrying and trying to do my job." Here's a little secret that I've had to learn the hard way... slow. If you let your coach do their job and trust that they will... that means you, as an athlete can do yours! It's so much easier that way!! But sometimes easy to forget and get wrapped up in wanting to control and be in control of everything... and those thoughts, feelings, and impulses of wanting to be in control of EVERYTHING make lifting heavy weights hard to do.
The biggest success of the day was probably the transition from the snatch to the clean and jerks. I didn't feel weighed down by my thoughts and feelings from the snatch and I was able to focus on what I was supposed to be doing. They didn't go perfectly- but it was a big step in the right direction. My body knows what to do and my body will be fine when Ellyn and I step on the platform next Sunday... my mental strength is growing as well. My mind will be there on Sunday. I will be focused. I will be ready. Anything she puts on the bar she knows I can do. Trust. We're ready....
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Shaking off the Dust pt. 1
Welllllllll hellllllloooo again!! I'm back at this.. hopefully one more time and more consistently with the postings! One can hope! One day at a time :)
Well a lot has been happening over the last year plus. But that's not important... yet. I'll hit the highlights and big updates below...
Probably one of the most significant things that's changed within the last year has been the success Ellyn and I have had with cutting weight. At any given day or time I would weigh around 80k which put me in the Super-Heavy weight class... which may seem ridiculous because there were times when I was LITERALLY competing against girls who were TWICE my size.. yes 160k. Theres no way I'd EVER be able to realistically compete with those girls... or even the girls who were 120k. So Ellyn brought up the idea of cutting weight for the "camp meet" that was about 2 weeks away (again, remember this was during the summer). We discussed the options and possibilities and decided we had nothing to lose and might as well try it. We were trying to hit a 202k total that would qualify me for a World Team Trials a few weeks after that.
I think it's funny looking back on the conversation because I can see the whole thing happening. I know where we were standing, I know what was said and one part of the conversation sticks out for me... Ellyn asked if I wanted time to think about our talk about trying to get down to 75k and we could start tomorrow if that was what we both felt was best. I stopped her right there and said, "Let's do it now." I can't remember what my dinner plans were... but I know they changed significantly!
The two weeks of cutting weight (aka eating vegetables and cooking real meals) wasn't as awful, painful, torturous, miserable etc as it was when we had started 6 or 8 weeks out! I may have been all of those things, but it wasn't for long! :) **Serious note. The dieting was no where nearly as challenging and draining as it was before**
The two weeks went by quickly... one week was spent at RWL 24/7 which was awesome and may have been part of the reason the dieting went so smoothly.. the other was working my 3 hours a day at the y... all things i can handle ;)
The day of the meet comes and after a sauna session and a few layers of winter clothes I get to the meet and step on the scale. 74.9. okay quick get off! made weight. now lets eat and hydrate! Ellyn and I talked about the numbers we needed to hit 85/117 and how we would get there 78/82/85 and 107/112/117. My first though... WOAH. Okay. This is crazy. SHE is crazy. But wait... the Crazy works.. okay one thing at a time. Our work isn't done. . .
Well a lot has been happening over the last year plus. But that's not important... yet. I'll hit the highlights and big updates below...
Probably one of the most significant things that's changed within the last year has been the success Ellyn and I have had with cutting weight. At any given day or time I would weigh around 80k which put me in the Super-Heavy weight class... which may seem ridiculous because there were times when I was LITERALLY competing against girls who were TWICE my size.. yes 160k. Theres no way I'd EVER be able to realistically compete with those girls... or even the girls who were 120k. So Ellyn brought up the idea of cutting weight for the "camp meet" that was about 2 weeks away (again, remember this was during the summer). We discussed the options and possibilities and decided we had nothing to lose and might as well try it. We were trying to hit a 202k total that would qualify me for a World Team Trials a few weeks after that.
I think it's funny looking back on the conversation because I can see the whole thing happening. I know where we were standing, I know what was said and one part of the conversation sticks out for me... Ellyn asked if I wanted time to think about our talk about trying to get down to 75k and we could start tomorrow if that was what we both felt was best. I stopped her right there and said, "Let's do it now." I can't remember what my dinner plans were... but I know they changed significantly!
The two weeks of cutting weight (aka eating vegetables and cooking real meals) wasn't as awful, painful, torturous, miserable etc as it was when we had started 6 or 8 weeks out! I may have been all of those things, but it wasn't for long! :) **Serious note. The dieting was no where nearly as challenging and draining as it was before**
The two weeks went by quickly... one week was spent at RWL 24/7 which was awesome and may have been part of the reason the dieting went so smoothly.. the other was working my 3 hours a day at the y... all things i can handle ;)
The day of the meet comes and after a sauna session and a few layers of winter clothes I get to the meet and step on the scale. 74.9. okay quick get off! made weight. now lets eat and hydrate! Ellyn and I talked about the numbers we needed to hit 85/117 and how we would get there 78/82/85 and 107/112/117. My first though... WOAH. Okay. This is crazy. SHE is crazy. But wait... the Crazy works.. okay one thing at a time. Our work isn't done. . .
Sunday, June 16, 2013
changing
a lot has changed since my last post a million years ago... for me, the sport of weightlifting has transformed from a one demential activity into a time where I learn and discover about myself. Being connected with Ellyn and her teaching me more about the lifts I have started to develop a deeper understanding of the sport as well as slowly uncover bits and pieces of my own life, personality, and strengths. Weightlifting has brought out the best in me as well as the worst and darkest parts of my being. It has transitioned from an activity to a learning and growing experience.
there's so much that has happened... so much that has changed.. so much I am still learning (that was the theme for 2012).. and so much I still have to get better at and move beyond. "Closing the Gap" is the them for 2013 and as the year has continued on, closing the gap has become more and more imperative... not just for my lifting career but for my success and happiness as a human outside of the weight room.
I think it's sometimes funny that people will say to others leave your life outside of _____ (fill in the blank.. work, the gym, etc) and don't worry about what's happening... ha. if it were only that easy.. everything has to be in line and everything has to be settled and focused on moving forward for the success Ellyn and I are expecting and working for to happen. when i have emotional days outside of the weight room I usually feel 'hung over' emotionally the next day... and it makes it rough, difficult, and nearly impossible to have a productive workout... that gap needs to close sooner rather than later..
there's so much more for this topic, but for now it's a good start..
there's so much that has happened... so much that has changed.. so much I am still learning (that was the theme for 2012).. and so much I still have to get better at and move beyond. "Closing the Gap" is the them for 2013 and as the year has continued on, closing the gap has become more and more imperative... not just for my lifting career but for my success and happiness as a human outside of the weight room.
I think it's sometimes funny that people will say to others leave your life outside of _____ (fill in the blank.. work, the gym, etc) and don't worry about what's happening... ha. if it were only that easy.. everything has to be in line and everything has to be settled and focused on moving forward for the success Ellyn and I are expecting and working for to happen. when i have emotional days outside of the weight room I usually feel 'hung over' emotionally the next day... and it makes it rough, difficult, and nearly impossible to have a productive workout... that gap needs to close sooner rather than later..
there's so much more for this topic, but for now it's a good start..
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
funny things.
It's funny how things work. It's funny how the moment you think it's all together it all falls apart. It's funny how things can look so up and then go down so fast. It's funny how in the darkest moments you can find some sense of twisted peace. It's funny how when you think you need someone the most you find the strength to do it on your own. Isn't it all funny..?
I guess that's life for ya. I typically like to have a plan and a schedule and know what's going on and what I'm going to be doing or not doing. And this week-ish the plans have all been thrown out the window, burned, torched, evaporated, exploded.. you get the point. It was the destruction of my said 'plans' where I had to find my own way.
I have been seeking the approval and okay of the people around me and it's only lead to frustration and disappointment on all sides. So, no more. No gray area. Black and White. Simple. Clean. Clear. Concise.
It's it funny how im writing about having plans go out the window and at the same time making plans for when the plans are out the window. It. does. not. work. but i think i'm too stubborn and/or slow to figure that out. so the plans I started making got ripped up and thrown out.. so off i am planning again. funny how i don't learn. womp.
I guess that's life for ya. I typically like to have a plan and a schedule and know what's going on and what I'm going to be doing or not doing. And this week-ish the plans have all been thrown out the window, burned, torched, evaporated, exploded.. you get the point. It was the destruction of my said 'plans' where I had to find my own way.
I have been seeking the approval and okay of the people around me and it's only lead to frustration and disappointment on all sides. So, no more. No gray area. Black and White. Simple. Clean. Clear. Concise.
It's it funny how im writing about having plans go out the window and at the same time making plans for when the plans are out the window. It. does. not. work. but i think i'm too stubborn and/or slow to figure that out. so the plans I started making got ripped up and thrown out.. so off i am planning again. funny how i don't learn. womp.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
not happy
The depths of the muck and nonsense have been worse than ever. I dont even know where to begin or how to start with this.. how to dive into the depts and sort all of the feelings and emotions. part of me wants to get extremely raw and real on here and the other part knows i shouldnt. or maybe that I cant.
right now i need and want a song or a poem or a quote that can and will accurately describe the complexity and awfulness of what i'm feeling- but i bet there's nothing out there like that... i'm not even sure where to begin.. people have asked what's wrong.. and if i'm okay.. the answers are 1. I dont know if i'm okay or what's wrong and 2. there's too much to just word vomit it all on the spot. that's the good or bad thing about text.. having unlimited time for these: ...... so my slow processing brain and emotions can sort themselves out...... the bad thing about text is that it can and often does lead to confusion when it comes to the communication of emotions and intentions of the writer/express-er..
Let's see. . . I guess it's prudent to go back to the beginning. Go back to what brought me to this great state of Massachusetts.. which i still can't spell... I came because of Ellyn. I came because of the kindness, love, affection, fun, companionship, support, the common interest and the chemistry we had from day one. It was an easy decision and has been a good one. Do I regret coming? nope. Do I want, need and desire that relationship still. yup. probably more now than ever.
i cant finish this. it's too hard. it makes my heart ache and my stomach turn into knots. all i want is for things to be better. for things to be good. better. normal. and they/me/its none of those things. maybe more if i'm up at some crazy hour or if i can't go back to sleep. ugh
right now i need and want a song or a poem or a quote that can and will accurately describe the complexity and awfulness of what i'm feeling- but i bet there's nothing out there like that... i'm not even sure where to begin.. people have asked what's wrong.. and if i'm okay.. the answers are 1. I dont know if i'm okay or what's wrong and 2. there's too much to just word vomit it all on the spot. that's the good or bad thing about text.. having unlimited time for these: ...... so my slow processing brain and emotions can sort themselves out...... the bad thing about text is that it can and often does lead to confusion when it comes to the communication of emotions and intentions of the writer/express-er..
Let's see. . . I guess it's prudent to go back to the beginning. Go back to what brought me to this great state of Massachusetts.. which i still can't spell... I came because of Ellyn. I came because of the kindness, love, affection, fun, companionship, support, the common interest and the chemistry we had from day one. It was an easy decision and has been a good one. Do I regret coming? nope. Do I want, need and desire that relationship still. yup. probably more now than ever.
i cant finish this. it's too hard. it makes my heart ache and my stomach turn into knots. all i want is for things to be better. for things to be good. better. normal. and they/me/its none of those things. maybe more if i'm up at some crazy hour or if i can't go back to sleep. ugh
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Can't sleep
I've been all out of sorts lately... Things just haven't felt right. I'm anxious. I'm worried. I'm stressed. I'm trying to find my place. I'm trying to figure out my living situation come September. I'm trying to figure out where I'm going and if I'm going alone or if there are people with me... I feel like I'm floating. Just kind of bobbing around.. Not really going in any one direction purposefully. I think that also stresses me out. I like, want, and need structure and yes I've got that in some places.. i.e. work and practice.. I have certain times I go to work and certain times I go to practice- but it just seems, right now, I'm running on a hamster wheel. working hard- or feeling like I am working hard and getting nowhere. Just working up a sweat. I don't like that. it makes me feel dumb.
I couldn't sleep this morning/night so I've been up and awake since 3.... and I think I was up at 1 too- but I was able to go back to bed for a little bit.. Maybe what I'm feeling is how i felt my first year and a half at wake... it was a hard transition- more difficult at times than others- but because of my stubbornness i wasn't going to go back home. Same thing here.. I may be tempted to 'go home' where ever that may be... but i'm not leaving unless I get kicked out. But since I've switched residency I dont plan on going away/anywhere any time soon. I guess it's one of those grin-and-bear it things for a while... hopefully not too much longer
I know I play a part of this nonsense I'm feeling- so i'm not blaming everyone else but i just need help
I couldn't sleep this morning/night so I've been up and awake since 3.... and I think I was up at 1 too- but I was able to go back to bed for a little bit.. Maybe what I'm feeling is how i felt my first year and a half at wake... it was a hard transition- more difficult at times than others- but because of my stubbornness i wasn't going to go back home. Same thing here.. I may be tempted to 'go home' where ever that may be... but i'm not leaving unless I get kicked out. But since I've switched residency I dont plan on going away/anywhere any time soon. I guess it's one of those grin-and-bear it things for a while... hopefully not too much longer
I know I play a part of this nonsense I'm feeling- so i'm not blaming everyone else but i just need help
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