The absolute last thing I want to be doing is updating this blog with my mess of a practice today. It was awful. I hated it. I was so frustrated. I was annoyed. I felt stupid. I am still working on the same freaking things. I'm tired of not getting better. I'm irritated I make the same mistakes. I'm frustrated a simple thing like an RDL I can't do. I'm mad I don't feel the positions I'm supposed to be in and the ones I'm NOT supposed to be in. Everything felt the same= awful.
Even thinking about practice today makes my blood pressure raise and the frustration immediately returns. awesome. I was just not at all interested in snatch today. Didn't want to do it, didnt want to be there, there were a lot more I dont/I can't thoughts than positive, yes I can thoughts. I don't know why today was so bad. I think I was fine before practice started... idk maybe it was missing a snatch at 75%...? Idk. The snatch before that wasn't so good either and there's a lot more I don't know how to do than what I do know how to do. I'm conflicted. I was talking with Kat about the shenanigans with my practice today and we talked about how/if there's a line/how to walk the line/how to manage emotions, thoughts and feelings walking the line of "yes I want to get better and yes I need to get better" and the other of "oh well, it was a bad practice/lift/rep/etc". Where does the need/want/desire/drive to get better and improve cross over into too much? And where does the "I don't care attitude or letting go or moving on or whatever other word(s) a person uses to describe the opposite of being motivated to improve" idk i guess that's not the best way to describe the "other half" of the equation. But that's what I feel. I think I've done a pretty good job moving on most other days. But after a while it just gets annoying.
Here's a little insight into what my brain is thinking after being here and training for a few weeks... (I would say the occurrence of a positive and improving attitude happens most of the time) Okay. So I'm much stronger with the weight over head.. okay that's positive. I'm much stronger doing pulls from the floor... okay that's positive. I can over head squat a lot more than I've been able to snatch... again positive. So I feed myself these lines for a while and then I don't get better with the important lift. From there it gets bad. If I can lift 15 and 20 and 30 kilos more in the other lifts... whhhhhhhyyyy isn't my snatch improving? ugh. Oh. I can tell you why. It's because of the 12inches from above my knee to my hip the lift goes all to hell. Oh have you been working on this for the last 3 weeks? yup. Has it changed? not really... okay to be fair it probably has- but it hasn't translated into the lift itself. In my mind that's a no. Are you frustrated? extremely. Again I ask where that line of wanting to improve and get better with the lift and the line of moving on cross. And how to be okay with not improving? and not getting better every day? How and where does that happen?
When Kat and I were talking about our frustrations/love of the sport (something I vocalized today at practice after squats.. how much i looooved the sport today. :-/ ) We talked about the lines and where we've fallin on each of those lines and what happens when we (I) fall on the wrong side. I think being separated from practice, the gym, the moment, and just being able to vent and process some of the thoughts and feelings out loud (and having someone who has been there(angry/frustrated/etc) and done that (gone through the same thoughts and feelings) and is in the same boat I'm in (still trying to figure everything out) was helpful. I didn't feel quite as crazy as I did earlier. I didn't feel like I was a lone. I didn't feel like I was sinking in my own mess. I felt, for maybe the first time since practice ended, okay. Felt like I wouldn't be so off the wall, felt like I could bounce out of this funk, felt like there was hope (maybe that's a little extreme.. but hopefully you get the point). I guess I feel like I need to have everything under control all the time and I need a plan and I need easily identifiable progress markers (completing competition lifts at PRs and then some). When those don't happen in a reasonable amount of time (MY time... not the actual training guide/progression timeline) I get frustrated and freak out. Working on it...
No comments:
Post a Comment