Yes, I said it. I think I'm nearly bonkers when it comes to getting my thoughts/feelings/emotions under-control when it comes to lifting and maxes or close to maxes...or just when things aren't going as perfectly or as quickly as I want, expect or hope. Today was a testing day and I wasn't completely sure how it was going to go. When I've maxed out with the track team or waaaayy back in the day at Pasco HS, I was always excited and ready, willing, and able to step up to the challenge. Today was different. I wasn't very excited about it- not to the point of dreading what I was about to do, but just not 120%.
Snatch went okay. I hit my competition PR and had a 2kilo-would-be-PR over my head, but when I caught it(? not sure if that's where the issue came from!) my left elbow was pretty bent. And I ended up pressing out the left side out. Kind of funny... ? It wasn't too upsetting to have done such a ridiculous thing. So then I had 3 more attempts and didn't make any more lifts. I waited around for a little- then clean and jerk warm-ups started. They all felt really good until about 85%.. they were fast, close, tight (mostly?) and doing what they were supposed to... for the clean part any way. Jerks were all over the place. I've been trying to focus on a quick dip and drive and not half front squatting before I drive up. . . it didn't really happen today. nothing I really planned on happening or doing happened today. Nothing felt "great" it was all okkkkay.
When the cleans got heavier both my physical and mental focus/intensity died out/didn't exist. Missed one lift... missed another... missed a third... started to just do pulls... awesome. not. yesterday when my mind was going a thousand miles a min i took a few min to write what I was thinking, feeling, dreading, wanting to say, wanted to yell, wanted to cry about etc. Taking a few moments to jot down what I was thinking/feeling/wanting to say (and being in the gym or on the platform was not the right place or time to do it- I found myself constantly drowning in my own thoughts and emotions). In comes the pen and notebook. A few min to myself and my notebook I seem to be able to pull myself together or out of my mess of emotions, feelings and other shenanigans. It's like a weight has been lifted and the pressure of my thoughts is gone when I can put it all down on paper and 'talk' myself through it all.
I felt the same way today... lost, i guess you could call it.. I figured I didn't have anything else to lose so I took some time and wrote about what I was thinking. feeling. and trying to feel. It seemed to work. and I felt an improvement in my attitude right away. I didn't make the remaining lifts, but I had better 'fire' when it came to them because I was able to focus and sort out my jumbled mess of a brain. Discovering my 'secret weapon' (that's no longer a secret) of writing my emotions/feeling down and getting them out will be a big help in the days, weeks, months, and years to come with my lifting. one day at a time. one note, one word, one thought, one lift, one rep.
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