Home day 1

Well, I feel pretty fancy right now because ive downloaded an app for my blog so I can update via my phone! Wahoo! That's extra exciting for me because my dear olde mother still has dial-up Internet. I think she's still living in 1996... But thank god for iPhones! :)

Yesterday was my first full day in pasco and I ran around with my mom for the first part of the day and then was exhausted so I napped. Oh shoot before that my mom and I went to have breakfast with my dad. It was at a casino I got carded didn't have my ID had to leave, go get my ID come back and then breakfast could start. It was uneventful...

Now im back on track.. Breakfast was finished and my mom wanted to run around. Off to Costco we went.. Got some pretty fantastic kbell socks and some warm fuzzy slippers.. Yay! After Costco we went to a craft store so my mom could make some pillow cases for Christmas presents. The fabric I do have to say is pretty fantastic! After that mini shopping spree I was wiped out and napped!

Once I woke up it was time to meet up with Vanny! It'd been too long since I'd seen her or chewy!! We laughed and were ridiculous instantly and then we went to jobys. I was told there were children sleeping and I had to be quiet.. If any of you know me y'all know how good I am at being quiet, you'll know the moment I stepped in jobys house I yelled. Oops!! I was just excited to see his little dog snowball!

Joby was cooking.. Okay baking.. while V and I supervised. His mom had bought a toy (for the grandchildren) called "ring around the nosey" and we got it out and put it together and laughed and laughed and laughed... Here are some pictures from the hilariousness... Ok these aren't as funny because they're just of me.. But we all had them on!! It was a good first night back!

im going home!

in a few hours I'll be on my way to the great state of Washington.. okay well i'm most of the way there now.. San Fran to be exact.  and thank gawd for free wi-fi in airports because I have a 2 hour lay-over... not the worst i've ever had, but still after being on a plane for 5-6 hours and waiting around for another 2 hours before i have to get on another plane and sit there for two more hours, the wi-fi is a welcomed distraction from just sitting...

while i was on the plane from boston to san francisco i slept a little, watched most (i think) of a pretty lack-luster movie, got bored so i got out my computer and started editing videos and looking at my progress throughout the last few months since moving up to ma, then i played games on my phone and then tried to nap, then chit-chatted a bit with my neighbors and then 6 hours passed by and taaaadaaa i'm here in SF...

heres a video montage of my snatch from september until december... enjoy.. i'm going to get some food before I have to sit without internet for another few hours.. I may not be able to update my blog while im home because my mom STILL has dial-up internet.. yes. that's the truth. and it's awful. so we'll see what happens while im home..

thanks for all the words of support and encouragement and support with my surgery i appreciate it all...

hard cast- day 7

Yesterday i had one of my follow-up appointments for my wrist.  My soft/quarter cast was removed and i got my permanent/hard cast on.. the cool or gross or awesome thing about yesterday was getting to see the pins/stitches/etc of my surgery and i took a few pictures too! 

   

the first picture is of my wrist right after they took off my soft cast and before they trimmed the edges of my stitch (i guess its one continuous stitch under the skin that will eventually dissolve) the pins (two) are sticking out of my hand and will be removed in 4 weeks when my cast is taken off.  it was weird, odd and a little bit disgusting to see those sticking out of my hand- i guess it's one of those things where your body knows and realizes there shouldnt be things sticking out of the skin... okay that doesn't make sense like i want it to when i type it.. it's just disgusting and kind-of cool at the same time..  here are more pictures...

                                                                          

my hand looks really beat up and swollen in the picture on the left.. and there's another picture of my pins and some of the antibacterial gauze that was wrapped around the pins... that was removed and replaced when i got switched over to my hard cast.

                  

one of my teammates told me if I didn't have my cast on I could use the pins to hang my keys... ouch and no thanks!

These last two pictures are of my cleaned up mess of a hand and of my hard cast.. when I was at the drs office I asked if they had a PURPLE cast they could put on me and they were boring and lame and said they only had white.. boooorrrrrrriiiiinnnngggg.. but that does allow for all sorts of colored sharpie markers to be used.. so that's a good thing!  And my thumb is out so i might be able to try to attempt to paint my own nails.. but im sure it wouldn't turn out very well! 

day 5

and the pathetic and useless feeling has hit. yep. i feel great. apparently i cannot be trusted with my own body. yahhoo. feeling even better.  because i want to be able to be self sufficient and on my own i am deemed untrustworthy.  i dont want to have to depend on everyone or someone or anyone but myself to be able to put myself together on a daily basis.  that just makes me feel even more pathetic (useless) when im told i cant or shouldn't do every-day simple things.

let me make it clear im not mad at the people who have said those things to me.. im just upset and hurt(?) by having those things said about me.  It's like parents who tell their kids they are angry/upset with the things their kids have done, but not at the kids themselves.  same thing here.

I want to be better and I want to be lifting with the team already.  Today when I lifted i was on the other side of the wall starting, doing, and completing my workout before most of the team even started... granted I had to rush off to be with the craziest kids i have ever met for 7 straight hours- but i already felt alienated(?) separated (?) apart(?) different (?) alone (?) etc from the team... i dont know if it was the shortened and modified workout, my own crazy brain, the physical separation, being 'kicked off' my platform (i know i wasnt- but it felt like it because i was on the 'other side' of the gym, cant use a bar, or two hands, etc and i know itd be dumb for me to take up that space with my one legged squats and bicep curls).  but these are my thoughts and these are my feelings about day 5.  i know people may be offended and/or hurt by my rambling, but it's not meant to be censored.  Am I embarrassed i feel this way and think this way? yeah, sometimes I am and sometimes it's a lot worse than others.  I've thought about writing my darkest thoughts in this and waiting to post it until a day or two later when the biggest waves have come and gone... right now I don't really care.  I dont think i can feel worse.  i dont know if i can be more upset. maybe when i wakeup at 4am tomorrow i will be, but i dont even know if that will make it worse.

i guess today i was good at being pathetic and self-destructive

post op day 3

I'm already bored and tired of having this quarter/half cast on. I want to take it off so badly! i have messed around with the ace bandage a little and i can see some of the incisions/dried blood/tape that's hiding underneath the wrap and padding.  Sometimes it feels like the incisions go from the middle of my hand to past my wrist.  I just want to see it. ugh.  Friday I get my real cast- kind of excited and kindof dreading it.  I'm hoping hoping hoping i wont have to be in it for 8 weeks, or even 6 weeks.  anyone want to take bets about how likely either of those options are. any of my med school friends have thoughts or opinions about it...?!

Yesterday I was able to get back into the weight room and I did a few different things: front squats and abs.  gotta be good at something, right? With front squats Ellyn wanted my first working set to be at 85k and to take it easy because I would feel weak and not 100%.  I wasn't sure how weak i would or wouldn't feel, so once i did 85, I went up 5 kilos and proceeded like that throughout the workout.. 85, 90, 95, 100, and when i got to 100- it was challenging, but I wanted to be able to front squat at least 103 which is my clean and jerk PR. I asked Bill or Derek if I should go to 103 or 105 and it's one of those questions where you know the answer as soon as you ask it.  105 went on the bar.  Derek was spotting me just incase I had any trouble, and I made it through all but the last one when he stepped in and helped me finish it.  Is that good or bad? normal? average? I'm not sure. But i was happy I was able to front squat more than my cj pr 3 days after surgery.

When I talked to my mom that evening and told her I was lifting, she thought I was crazy and that I was breaking the rules with my wrist.  Even though I explained to her I wasn't using my left wrist when I was front squatting- but she wasn't happy about that. Bill suggested that next time I squat we film it so we can send it to her! :)

I've got another workout today- this time at the Y- we'll see how it goes.  One armed stuff this evening..

post-op day 2

baby steps... my wrist is still sore and painful.. maybe even a little swollen.. not a lot of movement happening today. but life must go on..  Yesterday and todays pain levels are about the same.  Yesterday I had a lot less strength- couldnt grind the salt and pepper shakers, couldn't open string cheese, and other various tasks that had me cringing.  Today on the other hand I've gotten used to/able to tolerate/ignore the pain.  i was able to grind some salt and pepper- although it was a kind-of pathetic showing, but i was able to do it by myself.  the hardest task of the day was opening string cheese. again, its pathetic that the milestone i had today was opening string cheese, but i'll take it.

another exciting point for me was showering.  i cant get my splint wet so i had to wrap my arm in 2 plastic grocery bags and tie them off with packing tape.  it looked like a hot mess, but i was able to shower and change clothes. and that means I was able to NOT be a hot mess.

i'm sure everyone knows how patient i am.. and with that said i'm already itching to get out of this splint.  i want to look at the incisions, my ballooned hand, the bruising, etc... so ive wiggled it around a little and i can see where the tape covers part of the incisions and i can stick my fingers down the splint and feel some of the tape and stitches..  Friday i get my real cast on so i'll have a few moments of fresh air to look around and poke around my wrist then it'll be sealed up for another 6-8 weeks..

I'm not sure what my training will be like while i'm casted.. I'm sure Ellyn has plenty of ideas of things to keep me busy... :)  Gotta be good at something... I'm ready to get better,  Ellyn said to me the other day.. after i'm done with surgery I'm done being injured- the healing and moving on process has begun.  so I'm 2 days of better  lets see what day 3 brings...

post-op day 1

yesterday was pretty smooth.  Today was a different story.. more pain, more stiffness, more ouch. Its not completely useless because of the pain, but I just have to keep moving it and messing around with it.  I slept whole lot today.. i got up at 11 then was just  hanging out and i think i went back to bed round 2 and slept until 6. its 1030 right now and I'm thinking i may not make it past 11...

Surgery went well.  The damage wasnt as bad as the drs thought it was going to be... I had a partial tear (they cleaned that up) and then they also took part of another ligament to reinforce the damaged ligament.  I do have pins in my wrist and a soft/half cast on right now.  on friday i get my hard cast (and I need to pick the most fantastic color(s) when I do go.  After I get my hard cast on it'll be on for 6-8 weeks then ill go back in and get my pins removed.  From there, i'm not sure whats going to happen.. how long i'll be unable to do full lifts or overhead stuff...

I dont think the magnitude of recovery/limitations I'll have have hit me yet,  Ellyn has given me some mental training to start working on.. so i guess it's time to get started with my training and get better.  I've said this before, but.. I've gotta be good at something... so here i go. getting better today...

Surgery at Sunrise

Where to begin….?? Umm. I guess with my plans for tomorrow.  I’m having surgery in the morning.  I tore a ligament or two (hopefully that’s it) in my wrist at the beginning of November and have had appointments with doctors for MRIs and Xrays, more x-rays and follow-up appointments and surgical consultations.  And it all comes down to tomorrow.  On the MRIs there wasn’t a lot of clear information about what exactly was wrong and how wrong things may be- so that’s what surgery is for.  Depending on how bad, or good (whichever one is appropriate to use) the damage is or isn't,  I could be back to lifting in two weeks or worse case scenario I have pins put in my hand and am in a cast for two months and back in full swing in a year.  That’s hard to wrap my mind around.  How do I prepare for that? how do I hope for the best (2 weeks out) and still have the bad looming.  Is it better for me to start preparing myself to be out a year and be pleasantly surprised when it’s less? Do I hope it’s only 2 weeks and then be devastated when it’s longer…?

Is there a right or a good way to prepare for something like this? Will I be relieved when I wake up or will the reality of the situation be too much (especially if it’s bad news)… I like to have things planned out and know what I’m doing and what I need to do.  I don’t have that right now.  Surgery is the easy part.  I know that’s going to happen. It’s what happens after surgery… that’s the scary part.

This was what I was referring to in my last blog about the American Open… These thoughts, feelings, and emotions all hit me as I walked off the platform.  Up until the American Open I was lying to myself about the situation and not letting myself think about surgery when I still was lifting. Maybe that was dumb. Maybe I should have processed it all as it came.  But there’s still not a lot I DO know for sure.  The only for sure thing is surgery.  What they’ll fix and exactly how they’ll fix it… fill in the blanks and take your best guess..I have no idea, but in about 12 hours it will all be said and done and there might eventually be a blog entry about the results…eventually. 

Here's to hoping for the best...

American Open

I know this is a few days behind (and I have a TON of stuff to fill y'all in on) but if I would have written a blog over the last 3 days about my thoughts, feelings, emotions, reflection etc of my performance at the American Open- each of the three days would have been completely different.  Day one would have gone something like this: it was awful it was horrible I hated it awful awful awful awful.  Let my coach down, let my team down, let myself down.. it was a great day.  not. Day 2 would have been like this: Ok maybe I over reacted. it wasn't that great. but it wasn't that bad.  im okay with it. no im not. yes it was fine. no it wasnt. up and down up and down.  When I got back to Massachusetts Ellyn and I had a chance to have a talk about what happened, how I was feeling, what I was thinking, and a chance to reflect on what happened...

The talk we had was really productive.  We talked about what we wanted and what we needed from each other and what worked for us and what did not work for us as a coach/athlete team.  We're still 'new' to each other.  This was only our third meet together- so there was a lot we didn't know and a lot we're still learning about what works best.  Before the meet Ellyn and I had a few different conversations about what we wanted to do and the numbers we wanted to hit and what we would do if we had to or wanted to change numbers and what our ultimate goal would be at the meet.  Would it be placing? would it be getting a higher ranking? would it be PRs? What if it's one of those things and not the others?  I think each time she asked me what I wanted to do my answer changed or I wanted all of them. My new-ness was a disadvantage when it came to strategy and really knowing what would be the greatest good for me.  I'm new, I can't help it! :)

Retracing the steps back to the American Open after I was done with snatch I was in the middle of the pack maybe sitting somewhere from 6-8th place and being comfortable with where I was because my clean and jerk is a good 30 kilos heavier than the snatch (which is atypical... usually the two lifts are a lot closer than what mine are).  With that said, being in the middle of the pack after snatch left the possibility for placing because I could make up the 10-ish kilos I was behind in the snatch.  With snatch I was the second lifter and with clean and jerk I was the third to last lifter... so i had a while to wait.  From a strategy point, it was nice having the girls who lifted more than I did in snatch being completely finished before I started my clean and jerks.  (please note hind-sight is 20/20 and most of what I'm telling you now I had no idea about while I was jerking... the only thing I knew was that I was in the middle of the pack after snatch)

This is what I knew: Ellyn and I had a plan. our plan was 97, 102, and 105.  And I needed to hit all of my lifts to finish 3rd.  Okay. I can do that. I got attached to the plan and to the numbers.  I hit 97 and Ellyn asked me if I wanted to do 100... i was a little taken aback by her question because I didn't understand why the plan was changing-and with the clock running there wasn't time to sit down and have a full-length conversation about why 100 would be better or why 102 would be better. So I told her stick to the plan. 102 should be next.  So she put me in for 102.  What I didn't know until I got back and Ellyn and I had our sit-down chat about the meet was that 100 would have put me in 3rd place.  And what I was thinking when she asked me that was 'snatch didn't get me to the numbers we talked about, so now i need the 105 to just be close to 3rd and to stick with the plan.'  102 was on the bar and I went out and cleaned it.. setting up for the jerk.. got the jerk over my head and wasn't able to stick it. missed attempt 2.  102 stayed on the bar and I was up for my 3rd attempt.  Ellyn told me she needed everything I had on this last lift.  Okay.  i can give you everything.  cleaned it and setting up for the jerk got the weight over head... but wasn't tight (or something else) and I walked all over the platform and eventually dropped the weight.

Was i disappointed, yeah.  I had a flood of emotions (that will be discussed in a later blog) that i had been putting off and not thinking about until the American Open was over.. and once it was over WHAM. they all came.  but that's for later.

Back in Massachusetts Ellyn and I talked about it all.. the lifts... the preparation.. the disappointment.. the training... the next step.. the lessons learned.. where we go from here... what we do next...what we don't do next... what we'll change.. and how we'll get better...


Here's the video from the meet... Enjoy it.  I got better because of these failed attempts...

It comes down to this. . .

Another day gone and only one more night until I lift.  Training went well today.  Again, I was consistent and tight.  I kind of felt like I was showing off a little bit because there were a few people there who don't have my best interest in mind, and who I felt like were waiting for me to mess up and fail.  Ha. Jokes on them because when someone doesn't think I can do something- I'll do it.  The challenge is what I love.  Being able to look someone in the eye and be able to say to them, you don't think I can do it, huh? ... well, let me prove it to you.  I'd say more often than not I rise to the occasion and prove the nay-sayers wrong.  :) Tomorrow is going to be no different. :)

Some of you may be wonder what my 'pre-meet' routine is and what I'm doing to pass the time while I wait for tomorrow to come... I guess a play-by-play of today might be helpful.  

I got up around 745-8, weighed myself, gathered my lifting stuff for training today, and then went to the venue and watched Kat lift (she went 6/6!), once she was done I started my training session.  I finished right before Adam started warming up, watched him, got lunch, came back to the venue, watched Patty, the came back to my room, showered, straightened my hair, relaxed, stretched, hydrated, ate, blogged, tv watched etc.  

Now it's 845 and I'm trying to keep myself calm and collected for tomorrow.  I keep telling myself I don't have anything to lose. Just go out there and lift.  I've been in good hands and I've worked hard to get to where I am now and to hit the numbers Ellyn and I have on the plan.  Stick to the plan.  I can do this. Relax. Compete. Get better. and get out of your own way.  The numbers I have planned for tomorrow I have had over my head before.. so tomorrow will be the finishing touches.  

Don't forget to tune in tomorrow! http://weightlifting.teamusa.org/  I lift at 10am alabama time.. for my friends on the east coast that's 11 your time and for my friends back home that's 8 your time... :) 

Time to get focused

I had my first training session at the venue today and things went really well.  Snatches are getting better and better every time.  They are faster. Closer. Tighter. Stronger. Better.  My clean and Jerks are also improving.  They are much more consistent.  Much more powerful.  Much more in-line and in-tune with what they should be.  One nice thing that happened while I was training was  a lot of people I had trained with a few months ago said I was a different lifter and my lifts are much improved.

Ellyn was excited to hear those things as was I, but I knew (and said to her) that it doesn't matter what I do now, but it's what I do on Sunday that will really show off all of our hard work, time, energy, and commitment to each other and to the sport.  Sunday will be the day when it all come together. Sunday will be the day when both Ellyn and I can accept the compliments and stand tall knowing we have gotten better and that we have become a success.

Photo of the training hall and competition warm-ups

Here's what I'm focusing on the next few days before I compete... The first is making weight.  I'm close, and in better shape than I was this time at Nationals this summer (a plus- but not there yet, so i can't celebrate) the other things I'm working on is getting my head wrapped around the numbers I want to hit and the positions I need to hit in order to be able to make those lifts.  6/6 is the plan.  My body is ready and has been ready, but my mind needs to get there.  I've got to go out on that stage and give it my 120%.  Everything gets left on the platform.  No regrets. No looking back. Focusing on each lift and giving EVERYTHING for that ONE lift.  My numbers and goals are not out of reach.  I've got to work my mind so it will happen...

Another day of training tomorrow... dropping a little more weight.. and a lot more focus and tuning in

sweet home Alabama!!

the south.  yay. so excited. happy. sunny. warm(er). yay! It was and is good to get away from the yucky frozen tundra that is Massachusetts and be in the south! :)  I have missed the souther drawl and the manners and the warmth the 'y'alls' everything! I Can't wait until I can actually eat some of the food!!

The flights down went pretty smoothly- I about barfed on the first flight because Ellyn and I were 'reading' sky mall and wooohh the reading and motion and movement of the plane did not make for a good combination.  Luckily for everyone I didnt get sick and made it through the rest of the flight.  Landed in CLT and i was ecstatic! I loved the sun and just being back in NC- even if it was for an hour.  Then we were off to Alabama.  That flight was less dramatic than the first and we landed and got to the hotel with no issue.

After all the meetings my schedule stayed the same.  I'm still lifting in the 75k weight class and will be lifting Sunday at 10am and it is going to be online... here So watch!! :)

Tomorrow is some training and watching Heather (new RWL-ish member) lift.  Getting down to the wire...

Last day in MA

Tonight is my last night in MA before returning to the SOUTH! I am so excited to be in warmer weather and humidity!! Cannot wait.


Made it through my last night in MA for a while... and now im sitting in the Boston airport waiting for my first flight to take me to CHARLOTTE NORTH CAROLINA.... it'll be good to be back in NC.. even if it is for an hour!

I'm ready for the meet. but now I have to wait and drop a few more pounds... or kilos if we want to be official...  :)

The last practice at Kelly went really well. Hit my numbers, the lifts were moving quick and were staying close.  the cleans felt supa easy. Snatch was fast. I'm looking forward to putting up new numbers this meet as well as surprising and maybe pissing off some people.

no-go-deacs!


Thanks for the continued support!

Thanksgiving baking fest

After the holiday I realize it's beyond time to update this blog.  Those of you close to me know I love to bake and you probably know I was also in charge of dessert for Thanksgiving.  When I got the assignment I was pumped! Getting to bake for more than just myself! wooh! and that means I'll be baking more than one thing too! double wooh!! If anyone has made a big dinner or hosted Thanksgiving or Christmas etc one of the biggest fears a person has is running out of food.  I was no exception.  So I started my baking on Monday night once I was off of work... Monday night's baking consisted of peppermint bark, andy's mint bark, and white chocolate pumpkin cheesecake. 

Here's the before and after of the white-chocolate cheesecake... the top ended up cracking... so I'm still on the hunt for the perfectly perfected cheesecake.  The flavors were pretty standard, although I would have liked more of a 'white chocolate' flavor.. whatever that may or may not be..

Next on the list is the Andy's mint bark. Probably one of my favorites from this weekend! A layer of dark chocolate (melted) and chocolate cookies pressed into the melted dark chocolate.. cooled.. then white chocolate (with a little bit of green food coloring) melted down and spread over the top- then Andys mints on top of that! It tasted exactly like the Girl Scout's thin mints! (this will be made again!)

 The last thing I made Monday night was this peppermint bark.. I opted for just white chocolate and crushed candy canes, but I think it might have been better if I had put a layer of dark chocolate under it all.. but it was still delicious and it still got eaten!

Day Two of Baking started with pumpkin-pie angel food cake.  I had made this earlier in the year and since it turned out so well i wanted to make it again.  It was one of those "I know this is going to be good" desserts.  I had no idea how the cheesecake was going to turn out- so this was a safe bet for the feast.  The first photo is whipping the egg-whites and the second is me mixing in the pumpkin deliciousness

 Once it was mixed, poured, and baked I left it in the pan to cool while I started making my mini-pecan pies.. The pecan pies were something I've never made (and had been requested) so i couldn't disappoint and not make it! I even made some of the crust from scratch... The recipe was pretty simple and these too turned out pretty well.  The hardest part was getting the pies out of the pans!!

The last two items on my baking list were a pumpkin pie (also requested) and an almond bark no-bake thing.  The pumpkin pie was another thing I had never made before (i ended up using pre-made pie crust for this one) but it was a pretty simple thing to do. mix canned pumpkin and evaporated milk spices and in the oven it goes.  The almond bark stuff was super easy and is something i've made billions of times.. again it was a success and people said they liked everything I had made... there were even a few questions/suggestions about why i didn't go to culinary school. i just laughed. (i probably should have!) 

The night ended with jumbling towers (i lost), old maid (i lost), and other board games I've been accused of memorizing.  :) it was a good day spent with good people, good food, good times, and good memories. A success!

A failure full of success

My second meet as an RWL (Robinson Weightlifting) lifter has come and gone.  The results from this meet weren't as impressive on paper as the results from the beast of the east competition a month ago.  My totals this meet were 67 in the snatch and 101 in the clean and jerk... and I went 3 for 6.  Missed a snatch at 72 and at 75 and I missed my last jerk at 105.  But I'm not upset.  Part of me (a small part) wanted to be upset, but a bigger and maybe more mature (?!) part knew this meet went just fine.  Ellyn and I talked about what we/she/i wanted to do and at Trinity it was 75 and 105. So when I missed 72 and I got off the platform she said "75...?" I said yes, and she said "stick to the plan, right" yup.  Even though I missed it- my attempt was the biggest success.  And the 75 was better than the 72.  In 2 weeks there will be a different result.  75 wont be a problem.

 I don't think i'm doing a good job explaining what I'm trying to with that last paragraph.  Let me start over.  Okay. . . Ellyn often has the team take attempts at weights we are not comfortable with and/or weights we haven't made.  I would say more often than not, for myself, the misses aren't because my body isn't ready to lift the weights, but because my mind isn't ready.  With that said, taking (and sometimes making) attempts during practice when I'm nervous or have anxiety about the weight on the bar puts me in more of a game time feeling.  Learning how to manage, control, channel, ignore, reign in, etc the anxiety or nervousness that comes at meets... but doing it at practice... has paid off for me.  

With snatch I can easily say I've had an extremely small amount of confidence since I've started competing... or even before I officially got into olympic lifting.  It has been hard for me. It has been a pain. I've wanted to be better, but haven't had the knowledge, guidance, or technical know-how to do anything but stay the same.  AH-HA! that is until I moved up to the freezing state of Massachusetts and started working with Ellyn on a daily basis.  I'm not sure I would go as far as saying I enjoy snatching, but I don't dread it like I used to.  Now RDLs are my hated exercise.  :) progress... perhaps?  I think I have flipped a switch in my lifting brain that now accepts snatching as a challenge.  I've got to get better at it- there are no other options.  Here's an example of what kindof goes through my brain when it's time to snatch... How many people have been told by someone- doesn't matter who- that they can't do something or that they won't be good at something...? anyone.. ahh good I see a few hands and head nods.  At the same time this person is saying how you'll never be able to do xyz, you know you can and will do xyz and part of the motivation is going to be able to go back to this person and say "HA! told ya!!" If you tell me I can't or won't do something... I'll prove you wrong and I will take an incredible amount of joy doing what you said was 'impossible'  :)

Alright. I think I explained it more appropriately

Clean and Jerk has been my better/favorite lift since... um forever. I'm strong and I know it and when I didn't have the best technique, I was able to muscle the bar up.  Cool. I'm strong. that's always a good feeling. but there came a time when my brain got in the way of that too.  There seem to be some typical blocks  when it comes to increasing weight... 100 was one for me.  And then until this meet, 105 was another one.  The weight starts to get heavy! Then I start to question how strong I really am and then 2, 3, and 4, more kilos seems like an impossible feat.

Approaching the weight is half (let's be honest... it's a whole lot more than that) the battle.  Having me take and miss (not on purpose) lifts in practice makes me think about what I did wrong and how I can fix it next time.  Sometimes I miss lifts because I'm scared. Sometimes I miss lifts because I'm not focused.  Sometimes I miss lifts because I'm lazy. Sometimes I miss lifts because I'm not committed.  Sometimes I miss lifts because my mind isn't in the moment.  Sometimes I miss lifts because I don't feel confident. Sometimes I miss lifts because I don't feel strong.  Sometimes I miss lifts because my technique needs work.  But if you look at the sentences I wrote about where I miss lifts- it's my head that gets too involved or not involved enough.  Working on, realizing, recognizing, and managing my thoughts at practice leaves one less thing to worry about at meets.  I guess this is another post where I say "Ellyn's right" and something along the lines of "I guess she knows what she's talking about" ;-) I'm in good hands, and so is the rest of RWL.  Ellyn knows what she's doing and is starting to help me know what I'm doing too.  Thanks for all you do Ellyn...

RWL Family <3

More than a Weightlifter

Practice today was a little longer than yesterday's.  I laughed a lot more and talked to more of my teammates etc.  But I don't want this blog post to be about my lifting for two reasons, the first being it was just an average day in the weight room and the second being there are more important things in my life besides lifting... and one of them I want to talk about right now.

One of my friends, and depending on who may or may not be reading my blog at the time, possibly one of your friends as well, is fighting one of their biggest battles.  They put on a brave face and rarely let anyone know what's really happening in their life.  I have had the privilege and honor of knowing the thoughts, feelings, urges, fights, and struggles they are going through on a daily basis.  I am extremely happy they are comfortable and trusting enough in me, to let me into the darker places of their life.  Out of respect for them and their struggle they will remain nameless... and one day I hope to post a successful and joyous recovery story... but until then I will wait in joyful expectation.

My friend has an eating disorder that is slowly destroying their life, their joy, their happiness, their health and everything between.  It's awful to watch the slow demise, both physically and emotionally, of an individual with unlimited potential and the world at their fingertips... the only thing that takes up their time and energy is food (or the lack of), how much they weigh, if they're gaining weight, when the next time they can binge or binge and purge, and how to burn calories.  All of these are attempts to rid themselves of emotional pain too deep, too scary, too dark, too big, too painful, too encompassing, too everything.  The physical torture they put themselves through is so much more manageable than dealing with, recognizing, processing and working through the emotional distress.  This may seem odd to any outsider and sometimes it's hard for me to hear the stories of self-harm and restriction with food because they simply don't know how to manage the underlying emotional distress.  All of their actions are a cry for help, and their cry has been unanswered for too long.  Their family has turned a blind eye to the signs and symptoms of the anorexia, bulimia, and cutting.  No one has stood up for them and said 'this is enough', 'this needs to change', 'you need help', 'this is an unacceptable way for a 20-something  anyone to live' etc etc etc.

But that is all starting to change.  Their family still is oblivious to the severity of the situation and members of their family enable their destructive behavior and allow it to continue. It is by the bravery and motivation for a better life for themselves that the tide is starting to change.  The people that are supposed to be closest, most supportive, most attentive, most helpful are none of those things.  Doctor appointments have been specifically requested by my friend and none have been scheduled.  Half-assed excuses have been made by my friend as to why they aren't hungry and their reasons have been accepted by their entire family without a second thought.  What does that accomplish? A deeper and deeper decent into a darker and darker hole. So thanks amazing family for making recovery that much harder.  Thank you for making my friend feel even more alone, even though they are surrounded by "family".  Thank you for not talking to them about how they are doing.  Thank you for being more concerned about  your own image than the life of your sibling, of your child, of your grandchild, of your cousin.  Thank you for lying for them about eating when they haven't.  Thank you for accepting their lies about having eaten.  Thank you for not coming to the hospital.  Thank you for not staying until they got out of the hospital. Thank you for making them do this on their own.  Thank you for not stepping out of your own comfort zone to help someone else, someone you 'love'.  That my friends is no where close to what Love is or what Love is supposed to be. . .

Luckily my friend is stronger than all of that (even if they dont think so or believe it right now).  They have started to rise above the disappointment their family keeps laying down.  The pain they keep inflicting.  The support they constantly withdraw.  My friend has begun the process of finding a treatment facility and they are making the appropriate doctors appointments and keeping them.  They have recognized their own need for treatment and recovery.  Maybe it's for the best that they have to do it on their own.  Their recovery can no longer be for their family or anyone else.  Right from the beginning they are doing it solo.  Yes, I'm here to offer support and encouragement, but I'm not picking up the phone, calling doctors, researching treatment facilities, or making decisions on when or where treatment takes place.  They are doing this all on their own and I am elated it is happening now and they are doing it willingly, rather than waiting until a feeding tube has to be inserted and they really do lose all control over everything.  I tell them this frequently, but I am so incredibly proud of them and what they are doing in their steps to recovery.

They've warned me it wont always be easy or fun or even a steady improvement, and they've been right.  I've cried, I've been angry, I've been mad, I've been upset, I've been annoyed, I've been lied to, I've been to the ER, I've been to the hospital, I've been up all night, I've been everywhere it's possible to be with emotions, fear, dread, anger, hope, joy, anticipation, happiness, disappointment and everything and anything in between.  Some may say, why do you do all of this? why do you keep coming back? why? It's simple.  I'm loyal.  I told my friend I'd be there. and I am. and I will be.  From now until my 50th birthday party (at least) I'm there.  Maybe it's because I know what it's like to be alone, to be lonely, to not have anyone.. and if I can prevent someone from feeling how I've felt at one point or another, I will do it time and time again.  without a question.  Do some of the days go easier than others? Yup. Do some of them suck.. a lot? Yup. Would I rather be there than not? Yup, without a question, without a doubt, without a hesitation.

I think the thing that keeps me going the most is that things wont always be like this for my friend.  They have fought and been fighting for the last 8..? (maybe more) years and they are still here.  That happy, that fun, that loving, that caring, that healthy, that adventurous, that smart, that talented, that precious, that amazing, that fulfilled person is still there.  Yeah, there may be years of gunk and grime covering the treasure, but it doesn't mean the treasure isn't there.  It's going to take work (which has already started), it's going to take time (patience), it's going to take help (i'm here- so are other people), it's going to take strength (you have it), dedication (yup, you've got that too), persistence (and this!), and probably a good pandora station or a mix cd (or 2!).  These are my honest, hopeful, and pure thoughts about you and your situation.  It won't always be a consuming force in your life.  It won't always be this hard. It won't always be this lonely. It won't always be this confusing.  It won't always be like this.  You can do it- and when you can't that's what I'm here for.  You have people that care about you and you have people that will bend over backwards, and forwards, and sideways for you- just say the word.  

you, out of anyone deserve to be happy and free from the daily struggles of your eating disorder...

For my readers: I ask that you leave a word of encouragement or a sign of support for my friend... even if it is something as simple as leaving your name...

make-up

Since the meetings at the Y have been every Tuesday morning I have been missing the regularly scheduled tuesday practice times and Thursday is usually a day off- but now Thursday becomes Tuesday's practice.  I hope y'all can follow that.  So today being Thursday, I went in to the gym and got my Tuesday workout done.  It went by pretty quickly. okay, a lot faster than when I'm with the team.  No one to talk to, no one to film, no one to distract or be distracted by.  I got going around 930-ish and started with agility ladder followed by some box jumps from a snatch starting position.

Those two exercises usually go quickly, but today, I got attacked by a box and will have a big ole bruise on my leg- probably just in time for the meet.  The only good thing about being taken out by the box this morning (which is always embarrassing, alway funny (when it doesn't happen to you) and only slightly humorous when you do it to yourself- and that's more of a 'I'm laughing so I don't cry' reaction) was that I was all alone and there was no one there to laugh at me or be able to remind me time and time again about when I fell on my face.  whew. no cameras in there either.  whew.

After i picked myself up I got to work.  Although things went quicker by myself, I would have rather had someone (Ellyn) there with me.  I was doing jerk balances (and I've gotten better and they've been more enjoyable then when they were first assigned in this cycle) progress.  BUT it would have been helpful to have Ellyn there to help me through some of the mental doubt (?) I had about my positions, skill, strength etc.  Having here there not only makes me feel better, but I can talk/think/feel out loud what, today I kept in my own brain.  It was a pretty successful day. and rdls. did them. didn't want to cry when i did them today-- so that's good- or it meant i was doing them wrong. but I think they were okay.

Glitter is Good for the Soul

I've been ordered to get back to blogging. I asked what kind of blogging and I didn't get an answer. I'm sure it's more than just a number and then one sentence.  So I will update y'all with my lifting and life from the past whenever.  this weekend I was in some need of glitter and sunshine.  I found a few blogs that talked about glitter-izing a pair of ballet flats.  it looked fun. simple. easy. cheap. and produced fantastic results.  SO I started out with a brown pair of flats... and started layering the mod podge and glitter mixture, waiting for it to dry and doing it 3 or 4 more times... here's the process...

Brown original on the right and the first layer of glitter on the left

Both shoes with a few layers of glitter

(the white is the wet mod podge)

 Another shot of a dry shoe

 both.

 another shot of both shoes. dry and shiny.

Once the shoes were done... or maybe in the process of drying and shellacking the shoes I needed MORE glitter and I did my nails.  The first round of paint and glitter was "my significant other color" and silver sparkles... then I went with "india mood for love" and purple sparkles!

 I liked the pink better...

 Shoes and nails all together and all sparkled and glitter... made my soul happy! :) And I also made some letters (with glitter) for the Y.  I had glitter everywhere! I loved it. And it helped pass the time and lift my mood.

Lifting has been a little touchy the last few weeks.  I've been getting more hours at the Y and going to more meetings so I can step into a full time position (that allows time for training) and be in charge of a site and group of kids.  Right now I'm just waiting...

This might be important to know.. I have a meet in 3 days. oops. I don't ever pay attention to the meets and when they are until.. ummm pretty much after weigh-ins and when I start warming up.  Is that weird? I kind of feel weird that I don't get excited or nervous or pumped up(?) but when I get in the zone at the meet) I stay there and I'm focused and I perform well and more often than not I rise to the challenge and competition drives me on.  So for 3 or 4 more days I just relax and not realize there's a meet. :) Good thing I got that out of the way!

I have RDLs tomorrow and I'm super pumped.  Gotta cook my chicken between practice and work and work.  Tomorrow is my supa long day. so excited. get money get paid.

77.5 after breakfast.

emotional eating

yep. I'm an emotional eater. wont be posting a weight for tomorrow because it will most likely be through the roof. awesome. thank you emotional eating and lack of self-control.

annnd pause. . .

77.7 again.

really...?!

i do not know how this is happening... 77.7

well, that's irritating.

Same weight as yesterday. 77.2 great. not happy about that.

I just had the worlds longest day... ever.

77.2 and counting... hopefully under 76 tomorrow.

keep on truckin'!

77.3 this morning. I'm starting to think making weight is a possibility! woot! I'm making breakfast right now (eggs, broccoli and cheese) then going to take my car in to get it serviced/winterized/fixed and off to practice. A more detailed blog to follow- most likely sometime this evening

77.7 kilos this morning... a little under 6 pounds to go

Getting closer

78.2 getting closer.  Hopefully tomorrow ill be in the 77s..  Nothing like doing things at the last min! I'm motivated and focused for getting into the 75 weight class.  I have a feeling these last few kilos will be the most 'enjoyable'... but it'll be worth it.  one day at a time.

a post a day keeps the supa's away!

So I just missed my one blog post a day... by 12 min, but it is 12:12 so everyone gets to make a wish!! :)  But I don't have time to blog a ton, so here's my weight from today... 78.8k getting lower... still got some more to go, but this is a good start on teh 75k train..

Skinny Supa

For those of you who know weightlifting, or me, or a little of both, you probably know there are different weight classes for both men and women in Olympic lifting.  I am in the super-heavyweight class: 75+ that means I compete against anyone 165 pounds and up.  Most recently I am 174 pounds or 79kilos.  When I compete at National meets in the 75+ weight class I am the smallest one by a TON (pun intended!).  Being 20, 30, 40, 50 kilos lighter than everyone else makes it nearly impossible to be competitive with those girls. So it makes most sense to drop the extra 10ish pounds and compete with girls closer in weight.  And that's what I'm doing. Dropping the next 10 pounds for the Trinity meet and keeping that weight off for the American Open at the beginning of December.  It's completely do-able...

I've toyed with different ideas on how to most successfully drop weight for the next meets.  I've thought maybe a little public humiliation via my blog could be helpful.. but I think I'm too chicken for that! My idea for public humiliation was to put pictures of myself on my blog in the typical "before" and "after" fashion that is so prevalent with any weight-loss ad or gimmick. But like I said I don't think that kind of humiliation would be good! I'd probably start emotionally eating- and that's going in the wrong direction!

With that said, I am 17 days away from my next meet and I have 4 kilos to lose over the next 17 days. When I was dropping weight for Nationals this summer Ellyn said something to me that stuck... Sometimes being hungry keeps you hungry... At first I thought that was the weirdest thing ever. and sounded miserable. (it still is miserable actually) But in order to reach my own goals and the potential I believe I have.. dropping weight is vital, crucial, of the utmost importance, I think you get the idea...   For the next 17 days there will be a blog every day. even if it is just a number.  I am trying to be more accountable with my eating and my weight and this is going to be one of the ways I keep track of it all.. and y'all can too! teamwork...? lol

Here are more videos from the last week... 

As I get more put together I will put more on my blog...

Back to Blogging... Again.

I'm Back! After a hiatus with Maddy and transitioning back to being coached via text and getting ready for Maddy and a little bit of laziness I am here again.  I think there is too much I have slacked on with workouts to go over them all, but it's been an interesting transition back to not having a coach.  Don't worry. Don't worry. Don't worry. Ellyn is still my coach but she's being cool and is in Europe competing in the World Master's Olympic Lifting Meet of the Universe.. okay, so I added the last part, but she's over there being an all star so she can't be here for us little people.  ;)

I missed practice yesterday because I was taking Maddy to the airport so she could go back to the worst state :).  Because of that I had a combination of yesterday's practice and today's mixed together and in the e-mail Ellyn sent me his morning, "I'm going to have you do all your favorites between tuesday and wednesday." ugh. that means no fun for me! Snatch pause, snatch, jerk balances, and my freaking most favorite things.... RDLs. yay. not.

Snatch pauses with a snatch immediately following the pauses.  It went okay. I was getting into weird positions right off the floor, my hips were coming up and the knees and shenanigans with the feet (which we all know are from the knees snapping back... ugsdjfaklh trying to stop doing thattttt) Here's a video of my snatch pauses and a few of the actual and full speed lift.

Jerk Balances at one point were lower on my list of enjoyable exercises than clean and jerk.  But now I've considered it a challenge and have accepted the challenge of getting better at these.  And I think I have gotten better.. okay I know I have.  When I first did these on my own it was not good at all. So frustrated, lowering the weights, getting told to increase the weights, failing at the lifts even the jerk portion of the lift at more than 15kilos less than my clean and jerk PR. that's a great confidence booster. but Ellyn came in the next day and fixed me right up.  SO now it's my own personal motivation to be better than this lift.  For some reason I do well when I put a personal challenge on myself to get better at something I'm awful at. Does that make sense? i dont think it does, so let me try again.  I dont like losing, and when I've been beaten by something (a lift, a team, an exercise, a person, a game etc) I am motivated to not let that happen again.  There, that sounds better. A more accurate description of how I feel about this exercise... I had been beaten by the jerk balances and I was not going to let it happen again. I wasn't going to have another awful day with them. I was going to get better. and I wasn't going to be satisfied until I was better the best.  I didn't quite make it to being the best today, but I got closer.  Here's a video of the jerk balances and jerks I did today.  I will try and find/put together other videos from previous weeks so you can (hopefully!) see the difference and improvement between the weeks.

That's about it for now!! I've got 2 weeks worth of videos to edit and send out, so I've better get going! But, I'm back and happy to be blogging again!

The last few days...

Things have calmed down and normalized in my life... finally. yay. good. This weekend I didn't have to work, and I had my apartment to myself so I decided to make a big mess out of everything... baking, arts and crafts, reorganizing, and in the end a little bit of cleaning up... My baking adventure this weekend was a pumpkin angel food cake with home-made honey cinnamon whipped cream.  It might have been one of my favorite things I've made recently.. but that list isn't too long because I haven't been doing a whole lot of baking (trying to drop weight and baking don't go together very well!).  One thing I would change for the angel food cake next time is maybe add a little more pumpkin and then more whipped cream.  Other than that it was delicious! Here's a photo of the cake in the oven....

Here's the mess that preceded the lovely cake in the oven... 

counter top covered with baking supplies

 Folding in the delicious Pumpkin-ness

beating the egg whites and sugar.... these photos are backwards, but you get the point.

Here's the angel food cake cut in half and a little 'trench' for the whipped cream...

and a few dirty dishes :)

Here's the crafts I was doing at the same time :) 

Since I was in such a creative and crafty mood Friday and Saturday, I also decided to make myself a face mask out of honey, cinnamon and nutmeg.  A lot of the things I did this weekend weren't for any specific reason, but more of a "Why not do this?" If I had been thinking a head, I would have taken a before picture of myself so everyone could see how awesome the mask I made was... But I didn't so y'all will just have to deal with the face mask... 

It ended up dripping off of my face, so I tucked a paper towel in my shirt so it wouldn't drip everywhere

I left the mask on for 30min, rinsed it off and then......

Smooth, soft, and beautiful!! 

Another productive thing I did this weekend was organize my nail polish... Ellyn and Lorie gave me a bag of nail polish (wahoo!!) so my new little friends had to have a home..

11 new friends!! 

One section...

Second section...

A little bit of lifting on Saturday, which was successful, and I've found another exercise I am amazing at: bent over rows. they make me want to cry. But I have a weak back and need to do them! ;)  that's all for now!

when it rains it pours...

Another day at the gym.  It was quite the interesting one from my perspective.  Things were still off for me/with me... not exactly sure what was/is going on. But I felt mostly like a blob.. or a shell.. Yes, my body was there, but my emotions, thoughts, feelings, personality, etc were gone. I made my lifts, but on more than one occasion during a lift I would be fighting back tears, or go to the bar with tears in my eyes or finish a lift and just want to cry.  Not sure why.  I was just feeling awful from an emotional standpoint.  If I want to be completely honest with myself (and my readers) I really didn't want to go to practice today.   Was it a good decision to go? or did going just make things/my feelings/attitude worse? I'm not totally sure and I don't know if there is a right answer.

From a lifting perspective, I guess it was an okay day.  At the very least, it was better than yesterday because of the number of lifts I successfully completed.  I'm pretty sure the squats on Tuesday, Ellyn did more of them than I did.. but that's already been written about. Today I still was snapping my knees back with snatch pauses... still not sure how to stop doing that... I don't want to do that, I don't like that I do it, and I am tired of doing it, but I don't always feel like I have the tools/key words/knowledge etc to fix it. And the snapping of my knees is 58997324 times worse when I do the snatch pauses.  When I snatch at 'full speed' it's not as noticeable...? (maybe just because I'm going faster?) idk. but I actually feel like i'm doing it better when i go full speed... maybe that's me trying to save my pride and confidence in my abilities, maybe i'm doing the exact same thing and I'm too dumb to notice? maybe I am doing things better? D. all of the above? E. None of the above?

I made all of my snatch pause lifts and snatches.  With front squats, I didn't need as much of a spot as I did with my back squats the other day.  Squats today were hard for me.  Again, the 'shell' of me was all that was there.  I'm pretty sure each time I came to the bar, had the bar on me, or re-racked it, I wanted to cry. I just felt so awful. So sad. so weird. so alone. so stuck. so nothing. so everything.   Again, not sure why this was happening, or why I wanted to cry after every lift.  It's kind of funny in the most pathetic kind of way.  Just re-reading this last paragraph it's laughable (and slightly embarrassing) to be blogging about how much I wanted to cry and probably could have cried at the drop of a hat... oh well. I think I made it through the day without an actual tear falling. So that's a success and I'm getting realllllly good at being able to NOT cry.  Gotta find a silver lining somewhere, right?

yucky lifting

Yesterday I said this lifting cycle was going to be a heavier cycle, but I would like to rename this cycle as: everything-carly-doesn’t-do-well-and-add-weight-and-see-how-long-it-takes-her-to-fall-apart.  Fantastic, right?! Personally, I am a huge fan of it all.  At least today I did the agility ladder and box jumps without being yelled at by the boys.  (last time they said I had to make my own agility ladder ‘run’ and I couldn’t think of anything- so they yelled. But then I pulled the puppy-dog face and I got out of it!) But today, I had no one yelling. 

First two exercises: awesome. Second two: awful. I guess today was kind of a test run for when Ellyn is going to be gone. It was not my best day.  I guess part of the difficulty with today was 1.) being without ellyn 2.) adjusting to Steph and her coaching (not better or worse, just new to me and me to her) 3.) doing a new-ish exercise (jerk balance) and then doing an exercise I’m awful at and still trying to do the right way (RDLs).   Lots of places to go wrong, and most of the wrong probably happened today. 

Before this cycle started, Ellyn warned me there were going to be a lot of exercises that would put me in my worst positions, and trying to get my worst positions to the right positions would lead to frustration.  Yup. That happened.  When the jerk balances started I was, probably almost excited for the challenge and being told they would be hard for me.  The first 4 or 5 sets went well, challenging and I had things to work on, but they were going up and I was completing the lifts.  After those first few sets texting Ellyn, listening to Steph, listening to teammates, and trying to process everything and put it into the heavier lifts… no good.   When I had Steph help me with my positions, I decided to take some weight off so I could get into positions and do them properly.  I texted Ellyn with that information and I got yelled at.  Going down in weight isn’t going to help me and isn’t in the program- so I had to go back up in weight.  Went for my last 2 sets. Missed all of the jerk balances (4) and missed the last jerk. Let me tell you how amazing that felt and what a confidence booster that was. Devastating and crushing.

And that brings me to another one of my favorite exercises… RDLs. I was pretty frustrated by the time I got to these. My weight is still pathetic with those and they are still hard for me to do.  Not sure when I'll be up to 140k like my squats are.. I'm literally only half way there. daunting when I think about it like that. {{heavy sigh}}

This post isn't nearly as positive or hopeful as some of the other ones...  I know I will get better and I know I am getting better, but it's frustrating that it hasn't happened. I guess that's why I come back every day... waiting for that day to come. 

**thanks for the chat today Joooooh.  I appreciate it. and wanted to give you a shout-out :)**