When it's good it's good and when it's bad it's awful. Hello today's practice. Heavy sigh. Not in the mood to go through all the emotional upheavals today. It just sucked.

one at at time

I'm trying new things and working on my weaknesses.  it's a process... mostly a mental process.  a mental adventure.  a mental fight.  trying to get my mind to believe and motivate myself to physically do the things i've been working hard to be able to do... wether that be squat more, clean more, jerk more, snatch more, pushing through the fear and doubts is next on the list.

it's hard to do. let me just put that out there. having to focus each and every rep each and every set and fight off the doubts. fears. negative thoughts. soreness. pain. and anything and everything else that can and will and does become a distraction... they all fight against the process of making every rep count and making every lift important and valuable as a stepping stone to where I want to be in 4 years.

For my weightlifting class Ellyn asked the class to come up with their goals.  I wrote up a few talking about how the injury has been good for me because it forced me to slow down and to focus on the technique of the lifts- without the pressure to complete the lifts correctly at 70, 80, 90, 100%.. i would be.. and had to start from scratch. just with the bar.  I had to focus on lifting the bar. I had to think about the technique of each lift and each part of the lift. the things i could do and could improve on i had to. some days it was just getting and staying tight.. and that was all i could do to get better.. other days (especially when i got further along in my recovery) i could focus on other more 'complex' motions, movements, and processes of lifting.

I'm not sure how I got on that track, but OOHH yea! so i wrote a longer version of the above paragraph and Ellyn said I needed actual goals. Specific things I was going to work on and measurable improvements. I started again.  Thinking about some of the things Ellyn wrote in her e-mail and thinking about things and places where I could and should and need to get better.. I started writing and kept writing. It was a nerve-wracking process to put my hopes, dreams, desires and goals on paper and to share them.  When you do things like that it makes everything so much more real.

Maybe that's what I needed. I needed to get real.  I needed to make a map to 2016.  I think the words- broad and general at this point- will get more specific and more focused as the days, weeks, months, and years go by.. but I am excited.  I'm excited to start crossing off numbers and goals and expectations.  but in order to do that I've got to use everything I have today... I've got to be focused with everything I have today.  Not just inside the weight room, but outside.  That's been my biggest fault.  Once i rush off to the Y or rush off to place xyz I lose my focus on my goals.  but that's being changed.  one day at a time. one moment in time. one choice at a time.

thursday thursday thursday!!

Today was fun. busy. but fun! The fun part was getting to show off for the big-wigs at the YMCA with my one arm snatching...  There were a lot of non-believers and doubters... even after i lifted in front of them some of the dumb boys didn't think i was impressive. psssh. what do they know?? 

It was weird lifting in the Y.. in a different spot.. with different people (ellyn was still there though!)  lifting with 10 strangers watching me, in my space, in a different place, with different weights... a lot of different and new and potentially distracting factors to overcome.. oh ya and the 5min warmup.. that was another thing that could have caused some problems.. but none of it did.. I had to put myself in the same mind-frame I'm in when I'm lifting and with the team.  I had to focus on me and not what anyone or anything else was doing or where it was.. i had my focal point and i had my routine. 

Today I had to recall the focus and purpose i work on during practice and put it to work when I was at the Y.  The warm-ups were probably worse than the actual 'attempts' or whatever you want to call my performance today.. it was nice to have the support of the Y with my lifting.  it's nice to have people outside of lifting be interested and supportive of my adventures.  it helps give me a new and re-newed commitment to myself and what i'm doing.. realizing that not everyone has or is given the opportunity i have to chase my dream.  

With that said, I've got a lot of work to do.. lots of things I need to get better at.. lots of things I need to keep track of.. lots of things to get organized... lots and lots and lots.. i need to make a list and start checking things off.. a lot more discipline is needed.. one day at a time.. 

columns

Working on getting better.. Ellyn and i talked about how I was going to get better.. and we looked at the time frame of the next meet and the next big meet and how i'd get to where i want to be... we decided we'd use a 3 column system... a conservative column where i'd increase my lift by very small increments, a moderate column, and a more aggressive column... Each day I'd work towards completing as much/as many of the columns as my wrist would allow.  Having numbers and plans helps keep me focused at slowly chipping off the gap between where I am and where I want to go.

Today was a successful day for my olympic lifts... I was able to successfully complete the numbers set out for me in the aggressive column.. which were higher numbers than what I lifted on Sunday.. yay me. :) but again i've got to keep working and keep focusing..  lots to keep learning and lots to keep working on and even more to get better and more consistent with..  so here's three cheers for column 3... hip-hip-horray

keep working.

meet

It may be surprising to some of you that the decision to lift wasn't decided until the evening before I lifted.  Ellyn and I had been talking back and forth about whatd be best for me and what would be smartest (sometimes that's the harder one to do) when it came to the meet... I talked a little about my anxiety in deciding or not deciding what to do, from a physical aspect, but I also was wrestling more with the mental aspect of coming back.  I had the thoughts of success- with two definitions.. success that i previously knew which fell somewhere around 72k and 103k and what success would now look like... and was that success 50 and 60? was that success of competing? was that success just getting back on the platform? was that success something else all together? Before I lifted i couldn't be sure it was any of those things.. the success i had known before was not an option this meet.

I... and Ellyn.. talked about my mental shortcomings and the risk of ... my cereal.. or serial (depending on who's spelling it) killer moods and looks that would come if I couldn't deal with the results of my first meet back.  I like to win and i like to be good the best.. and i knew going into this meet that I wouldn't do either of those things. yikes. okay. how do i be okay and good at losing? um. i dont know if i can... but i have to.

Long story short (and maybe saving room for another blog about my meet.. hehe) I ended up lifting and I ended up being fine mentally and physically.  It was a different meet experience for sure, but it helped me get back in the competition mode and it helped me refocus and repurpose my lifting at practice.  I was working towards something that wasn't a distant memory or a long off and lofty goal, but meets that are coming up really quickly... 7 weeks until collegiates... and 3 or 4 weeks until the next local meet.  not a whole lot of time to waste and to not get better.. so I'm re-focused and re-motivated for the next adventure...

back to the meet.  It was a weird feeling for this meet.  I had to focus on my positions and one lift at a time. sometimes i felt a little silly getting ready to lift what I was lifting, but I told myself and made myself prepare like this was a meet where i was 100%.  I had the option to not pay attention to the weights and to just go through the motions like I had done so many times before- but i wanted to get better.  Ellyn has always said treat all the weights with respect.. treat 35 like 105... I think i did a pretty good job with that.  I was tempted to not give my full attention to the weights (even when I was on the platform) but i had practiced and had been practicing going through the same routine... again, i feel like i was successful with that.  I kept everything tight, close, and FAST.. woah. hadn't ever done that. here's a link if y'all are so interested :)  Atlantic States Meet  But there's a lot to improve on.  There's a lot more to do. and there's a bed i need to be sleeping in.  Until tomorrow. . .

pre-meet thoughts...

It's officially official, and i guess I am too.. I had my first meet back and I guess that means I'm getting back.. it's just the first stop on the bus..  There's a lot more to go and a lot more patience i'll be needing.. but let me recap the meet... Actually, let me recap the process of deciding to lift or not and then the meet..

being out of my cast for 3 weeks and having been able to lift on my wrist was a lot more than I expected, ellyn expected and the doctors even wanted :) When I got my cast removed I was told that I shouldn't be lifting anything heavier than a gallon of milk.

ya ya ya okay dr. I wont. and i will also wear my brace like a cast.. pssshh does he know who he's talking to?? obviously not because i probably still would be in a cast if he REALLY knew :) but i think this time it's better he doesn't know about me..

Lifting. I guess I picked up a pvc pipe a few weeks ago and then more recently (maybe 2 weeks ago.. so that would be a week after my cast was removed...?) a training bar and then a womens bar and then weights started to be added.  It took some time and attention to start listening carefully to my body and what it was saying.  I needed to feel, know and recognize the difference between pain, discomfort, stretching, pinching, and when pain was involved, i'd need to know the difference between pain that was harmful and pain that is part of the process...

My shoulder surgery and recovery when I was at Wake has helped me with my current situation.  I remember the first time i started throwing and my shoulder started to hurt... it scared the bejesus out of me and i freaked out and was scared my first time back i had torn everything again.. what an awful feeling.  I immediately left practice and i went to the training room crying hysterically because i was scared and i thought my 12+months of rehab and work and time was about to start over.. I remember crying with anne (my athletic trainer) and telling her it hurt and i was scared, but i knew i was just freaking out, but still crying, and trying not to and failing and crying more... Nothing a little ice and a few hugs wouldn't fix... but that moment sticks out in my head when I think about my wrist.  I don't want to be back in a hospital. I dont want to be back in a cast. I dont want my pins to have to be put back in.  So i'm being careful and paying attention.. and so is Ellyn.. we're being careful and working together to get me back as quickly and as safely as possible.

When it came time to decide if I was going to do the meet I talked to Ellyn, myself, and a few friends about walking the line of being smart about my recovery and being smart and realistic about my goals and if lifting is the best thing for me.. I got a lot of advice and a lot of good comments and input, but the thing i heard most was it's got to be my decision and only i know what's going to be for the ultimate best of myself, my lifting, my wrist, my mental stamina etc... It's kind of funny trying to type all of the thoughts, feelings, and emotions that went into the decision to lift on Sunday (and if i want to be particular, every day i choose to lift with both hands at practice) because this post doesn't do them justice... but y'all will have to wait for the day of the meet thoughts until tomorrow because I am exhausted- it has been a very, very, very long day and I am so done with it all. . .

happy valentine's day to ME!

Busy should be my middle name, but I have had a lot of practice with being busy, so i take it in stride and seem to do pretty well with the stress and demands of training and working annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd i hope everyone enjoyed the mile-long run-on sentence.  geesh. that was awful.

It's not even 2pm and I've already gotten a lot accomplished.  I went to work at the Y this morning, did some rolling and stretching, had a staff meeting, set up my official YMCA e-mail (yeah I'm a big deal) finished up my therapy, got lunch, responded to the past two weeks of e-mails and about to get ready for my second shift of work with the lovely and beautiful children at the Y.  Today is my last day training and learning the ins and outs of everything before I'm set free and on my own. yiiiiikkkkkeess.

From a lifting standpoint today was uneventful.. mostly.  I did my therapy which was good and today was the longest i've rolled and/or stretched in a very very very long time, so that's good.  I was also able to do a lot of my smaller muscle workout-ish things.  sometimes when I have to do these things at the y i feel slightly more productive and focused and patient(?).. i guess patient meaning i dont feel like i have to or need to rush off anywhere or hurry up and get my stretching done to go to the next thing... i was at the y so I was stretching and rolling to occupy myself while I was waiting for the meeting to start, so I wasn't in a rush to get everything done...

well isn't this ironic, funny, and a little bit mean.  (i probably deserve most of it) but as I was leaving Panera I couldn't find my keys.. and i searched my backpack, my pockets, where i was sitting and i even asked the staff if anyone had turned in keys. ha. nope. no keys.  dang it. So I was left with only two options: my keys were stolen along with my car and the 29348579237 weeks of laundry that was just washed or my keys were locked in my car. any guesses as to which one it might be...?

I probably would have guessed the stolen car and laundry if for no other reason than it would make a good story.. but nope. I'm the fool who was so happy and confident (cocky?) I had everything together and I could manage my time just moments before and now I'm THAT girl who locks her keys in the car while they are still in the ignition.  is my blonde showing through...??  But look at the positive of all of this: I'm getting my blog done, catching up on more e-mails, and (i feel like there was something else productive I was doing during this time...) HEY I could paint my nails. fantastic. Just the way I wanted to spend my day. Sitting in panera not going to work... okay so maybe this isn't that bad :)

big day for 45

Another day in the books.  And look at me go.. two blogs in a row! Wahoo! Today was a pretty good day the weigh room included.  On a slightly side note to the lifting aspect of my life I started at my new site with the Y... moving from a site with about 15 kids to a site with 50. It's a whole new ball game there. New kids, new staff, new place, new policy, new everything.  I'm a little nervous to be set free on the place! :-/

Back to lifting.  Today the team was set and scheduled to max with snatch and after a stellar max out session on Friday with clean and jerk today had similar results- fantastic! lots of 10k+ prs and ridiculous performances that were so much fun to watch! yay!

With my own little self I had a 'reagular' snatch workout with a few added twists.  I started working with both hands on the pvc pipe just working on turning over the bar at the top of the lift.  Once I did that a few times I went to the training bar and did the same.  After that I moved onto the women's bar and slowly moved down my legs.. starting just below the hip.. then moving above the knee then from the floor.  Ellyn and I slowly started to add weight and take full snatches.  I was trying to hide my excitement with each addition of weight, but i'm not sure how good of a job i did :)  And for me it sometimes is hard to balance my competitiveness and desire to get better and the other part of me that doesn't want to wreck or ruin my wrist for 5, 10, 15pounds... or even kilos..  As of now, the bigger and smarter part of me is focused on getting my wrist back to better than normal.  I am more focused on getting things taken care of healed than I am on snatching 90 and clean and jerking 115.  or whatever numbers may be in my head or anyone else's head.  So right now, today, i am being smart about my health, recovery and training.  It needs to stay that way, but the only thing I can do is focus on today.  So today I win. :)

While I was busy winning I was also able to slowly work my way up to 45kilos with my snatch. NO videos of it today though... there will be more to come, so don't worry.  But I just wanted to brag on myself for a little bit because I am happy and proud and excited I was able to snatch my 45 kilos today.  I have even started writing my 'recovery numbers' on the white board in red pen... so i'm slowly working my way back up to and past where I was before surgery. one day at a time. today was a good step towards all of those good and positive and exciting (have i used that word too many times in this post..?) things...

therapy/recovery day tomorrow!

nervous and excited

Hi y'all!  I'm getting better.  I've had weight over my head the last few days and have been making progress with my lifts and I am anxious and excited to get going and to be back at 100%.  Getting back to 100% is both exciting and nervous.. Exciting because I want to be competing again and I have started to make my way to that point.  I have taken the bar and have put weight over my head (35kilos as of last friday). it's not pretty or necessarily smooth, but it's a lot more and a lot better than anyone (ellyn or myself) was expecting or thinking at this point.. no go deacs

Nervous. Nervous because i dont want to get hurt again. i dont want my wrist to hurt at all. i want it to be normal. and better than it was before it got hurt. and i'm not at that point right now. nervous. no matter how much i feel like i'm prepared and ready for the next step in recovery, it gets daunting looking at where i am now and where i need/want to be.  But i guess that's not fair of me to do that to myself... I need to take it one day at a time.  I need to be patient. it's hard though. waiting and going slow and pushing it, but not too far or too fast.  It's a fine line and i just want to be done and over that line.  

sorry if this post doesn't make sense.. i took nyquil almost an hour ago and it feels like it's taking full effect. oh joy. 

looking. . .

Sorry I haven't been a regular blogger this last week.  no excuse this time except I didn't want to.  I didn't want to think about practice more than when I was at practice.. awful? bad? horrible? probably, but this week has been pretty difficult for me emotionally and mentally. . .  With my job at the Y working the split shift, I have been busy and doctor appointments (yay for having my cast off) I've been running around all over.  I've missed a few scheduled practice times, but I have made up each and every practice..

 but that's not the point of this blog.

Tonight it's more about my mental and emotional status, both as a lifter and as a person... I'm missing something.  I'm missing that close intimate connection with someone.. not in a romantic state, but just someone who can come over and do nothing, or something or anything with, or I could do the same. Someone I can pick up the phone and call and vent about this or that and have that person truly listen and truly care about what's going on in my life.  Yes I've got people here that i can talk to, but i don't have the connection and companionship that I need. Let me just put this out there.. i'm not looking for a boyfriend. I just looking for someone i can sit and be still with...  to have one of those deep and meaningful relationships that will last a lifetime.

for me to be satisfied and happy and at peace (for lack of a better word) i need that one (two if i'm really lucky!) close, intimate, and personal relationship(s).  A safe harbor where I can go to cry or scream or be angry or crazy and to have them tell me it's okay and they understand what i'm feeling- not because that's what's supposed to be said but because they understand me.  someone who i can just show up on their doorstep without explanation...someone to know my heart and know my intentions (99.7% of the time) are good.. someone i dont have to be fake around.. someone i dont have to explain myself to.. someone on my side.. with me instead of against me.. and even if i am bat-shit-crazy they'll be there..

To me the connection between my personal happiness and my success with lifting go directly hand-in-hand.  This last week from a training standpoint has been good.. maybe even better than good. my lifts are getting tighter, im PR-ing, im focusing, im making my lifts etc... but me personally.. i've been miserable. borderline tears... even a few tears falling in the weight room in the middle of my lifts... (on the positive side it's a good test of mental focus... right?) the fun, funny, social and enjoyable aspect of my lifting has been gone this week... but i've kept going, if for no other reason I dont think it can or i can get/feel worse than what i've felt this week.  and most of the time i do love every aspect of it.. the team the training the sore legs for the next week all of it.. it's part of why i made my decision in July to move to MA.. for all of those things.. but this week i haven't felt or been excited about any of that.. and i hate that...(tears falling now..)

maybe part of my craziness is my lack of blogging.. I've re-read this a few times as to not offend anyone who reads it and those people who have taken the time to start to get to know me.. don't think i don't appreciate that.. maybe i'm needier than most or crazier than most.. so i have tried to word my writing appropriately with respect to those friends of mine who read my blog and do care about me.. i know i'm difficult and challenging and maybe once in a while a pain in the ass.. but for those of you who have and continue to be there for me.. thank you.