looking. . .

Sorry I haven't been a regular blogger this last week.  no excuse this time except I didn't want to.  I didn't want to think about practice more than when I was at practice.. awful? bad? horrible? probably, but this week has been pretty difficult for me emotionally and mentally. . .  With my job at the Y working the split shift, I have been busy and doctor appointments (yay for having my cast off) I've been running around all over.  I've missed a few scheduled practice times, but I have made up each and every practice..

 but that's not the point of this blog.

Tonight it's more about my mental and emotional status, both as a lifter and as a person... I'm missing something.  I'm missing that close intimate connection with someone.. not in a romantic state, but just someone who can come over and do nothing, or something or anything with, or I could do the same. Someone I can pick up the phone and call and vent about this or that and have that person truly listen and truly care about what's going on in my life.  Yes I've got people here that i can talk to, but i don't have the connection and companionship that I need. Let me just put this out there.. i'm not looking for a boyfriend. I just looking for someone i can sit and be still with...  to have one of those deep and meaningful relationships that will last a lifetime.

for me to be satisfied and happy and at peace (for lack of a better word) i need that one (two if i'm really lucky!) close, intimate, and personal relationship(s).  A safe harbor where I can go to cry or scream or be angry or crazy and to have them tell me it's okay and they understand what i'm feeling- not because that's what's supposed to be said but because they understand me.  someone who i can just show up on their doorstep without explanation...someone to know my heart and know my intentions (99.7% of the time) are good.. someone i dont have to be fake around.. someone i dont have to explain myself to.. someone on my side.. with me instead of against me.. and even if i am bat-shit-crazy they'll be there..

To me the connection between my personal happiness and my success with lifting go directly hand-in-hand.  This last week from a training standpoint has been good.. maybe even better than good. my lifts are getting tighter, im PR-ing, im focusing, im making my lifts etc... but me personally.. i've been miserable. borderline tears... even a few tears falling in the weight room in the middle of my lifts... (on the positive side it's a good test of mental focus... right?) the fun, funny, social and enjoyable aspect of my lifting has been gone this week... but i've kept going, if for no other reason I dont think it can or i can get/feel worse than what i've felt this week.  and most of the time i do love every aspect of it.. the team the training the sore legs for the next week all of it.. it's part of why i made my decision in July to move to MA.. for all of those things.. but this week i haven't felt or been excited about any of that.. and i hate that...(tears falling now..)

maybe part of my craziness is my lack of blogging.. I've re-read this a few times as to not offend anyone who reads it and those people who have taken the time to start to get to know me.. don't think i don't appreciate that.. maybe i'm needier than most or crazier than most.. so i have tried to word my writing appropriately with respect to those friends of mine who read my blog and do care about me.. i know i'm difficult and challenging and maybe once in a while a pain in the ass.. but for those of you who have and continue to be there for me.. thank you.