funny things.

It's funny how things work.  It's funny how the moment you think it's all together it all falls apart.  It's funny how things can look so up and then go down so fast.  It's funny how in the darkest moments you can find some sense of twisted peace.  It's funny how when you think you need someone the most you find the strength to do it on your own. Isn't it all funny..?

I guess that's life for ya.  I typically like to have a plan and a schedule and know what's going on and what I'm going to be doing or not doing.  And this week-ish the plans have all been thrown out the window, burned, torched, evaporated, exploded.. you get the point.  It was the destruction of my said 'plans' where I had to find my own way.

I have been seeking the approval and okay of the people around me and it's only lead to frustration and disappointment on all sides. So, no more.  No gray area. Black and White. Simple. Clean. Clear. Concise.

It's it funny how im writing about having plans go out the window and at the same time making plans for when the plans are out the window. It. does. not. work. but i think i'm too stubborn and/or slow to figure that out. so the plans I started making got ripped up and thrown out.. so off i am planning again. funny how i don't learn. womp.

not happy

The depths of the muck and nonsense have been worse than ever.  I dont even know where to begin or how to start with this.. how to dive into the depts and sort all of the feelings and emotions. part of me wants to get extremely raw and real on here and the other part knows i shouldnt.  or maybe that I cant.

right now i need and want a song or a poem or a quote that can and will accurately describe the complexity and awfulness of what i'm feeling- but i bet there's nothing out there like that... i'm not even sure where to begin.. people have asked what's wrong.. and if i'm okay.. the answers are 1. I dont know if i'm okay or what's wrong and 2. there's too much to just word vomit it all on the spot. that's the good or bad thing about text.. having unlimited time for these:  ......  so my slow processing brain and emotions can sort themselves out......  the bad thing about text is that it can and often does lead to confusion when it comes to the communication of emotions and intentions of the writer/express-er..

Let's see. . . I guess it's prudent to go back to the beginning. Go back to what  brought me to this great state of Massachusetts.. which i still can't spell... I came because of Ellyn. I came because of the kindness, love, affection, fun, companionship, support, the common interest and the chemistry we had from day one.  It was an easy decision and has been a good one.  Do I regret coming? nope. Do I want, need and desire that relationship still. yup. probably more now than ever.

i  cant finish this. it's too hard. it makes my heart ache and my stomach turn into knots. all i want is for things to be better. for things to be good. better. normal. and they/me/its none of those things. maybe more if i'm up at some crazy hour or if i can't go back to sleep. ugh

Can't sleep

I've been all out of sorts lately... Things just haven't felt right.  I'm anxious.  I'm worried.  I'm stressed. I'm trying to find my place. I'm trying to figure out my living situation come September. I'm trying to figure out where I'm going and if I'm going alone or if there are people with me... I feel like I'm floating.  Just kind of bobbing around.. Not really going in any one direction purposefully.  I think that also stresses me out.  I like, want, and need structure and yes I've got that in some places.. i.e. work and practice.. I have certain times I go to work and certain times I go to practice- but it just seems, right now, I'm running on a hamster wheel. working hard- or feeling like I am working hard and getting nowhere.  Just working up a sweat.  I don't like that.  it makes me feel dumb.

I couldn't sleep this morning/night so I've been up and awake since 3.... and I think I was up at 1 too- but I was able to go back to bed for a little bit.. Maybe what I'm feeling is how i felt my first year and a half at wake... it was a hard transition- more difficult at times than others- but because of my stubbornness i wasn't going to go back home.  Same thing here.. I may be tempted to 'go home' where ever that may be... but i'm not leaving unless I get kicked out. But since I've switched residency I dont plan on going away/anywhere any time soon.  I guess it's one of those grin-and-bear it things for a while... hopefully not too much longer

I know I play a part of this nonsense I'm feeling- so i'm not blaming everyone else but i just need help

Head versus heart

3 days in a row. that's big time. just kidding. baby steps.. Today was a little different day than normal practice. Ellyn was teaching a level 1 usa weightlifting certification today and the RWL-ers (some were taking the class and others... me and kledia..) were living and breathing weightlifters (specimens) for the people taking the level 1 certification to watch and interact with us and Ellyn.  For their viewing pleasure we did snatch and clean and jerk as a team.

I was working on my new columns. I didn't hit any of my numbers, but I was closer..?.. and maybe more confident with my snatches than I was last week.  The clean and jerks I gave a better effort than last week as well.  I had some issues getting my left arm/elbow/wrist etc to cooperate as much as I would have liked it to.  But again it was still better than last week.. or even friday. that was a not so fun practice. womp.

My latest malfunction revolves closely around the relationships and emotional malfunction of said relationships.  I feel like I've gotten better about convincing myself to approach the weights and to wrap my mind around having however many kilos over my head and being confident and sure about it.  Even the missing lifts and meltdowns have decreased and have been better managed- but it's the heart that drags me down.

Have you ever been in a situation where you knew in your head it was a certain way but your heart was screaming the opposite..? That's how I felt today.  I knew in my head that lifting is just lifting.. woop-dee-doo, right? but the relationships that make lifting worth while,  important and purposeful- when those suffer so does my lifting.. not anyones fault but my own.  I can't seem to separate my heart from the rest of me.

As I was driving back from the Y tonight I was thinking about this blog and what i would be saying or how I wold say it, and for some reason my time spent in 4-h popped in my head... specifically the 4 H's.. hand, heart, head, health.. I was thinking about how those four things are so intertwined with me and they all need to line up for my to have my best and most successful days in (and out) of the gym. When I'm not feeling "safe and secure" a phrase I started using as a joke with Ellyn when I was at Nationals, has really come to be true.  When i feel safe and secure with my life, the relationships and the people in my life- lifting is easy.. it's fun.. and i feel powerful and confident about everything.

  This is Maslow's hierarchy of needs... the bottom is the basics: food, clothing, shelter etc and the second level seems to be where I get stuck... when my job is crazy and i'm feeling lonely and am stuck in my apartment i don't do well.. I need people in my life.. I need to feel close and connected to people.. specific people and when that doesn't happen or I feel like it doesn't happen things break down... I break down.. 

I'm not looking for sympathy or pitty- I'm just trying to make some sense of what's going on inside of me.. this post doesn't do it any justice.. it feels like it's a below average attempt.. but that's about all I've got now.. here's to sleep, shower, and a new day...

Sunday Fun-day!

Look at me go! 2 posts in a row! woah baby- let's just see if I can keep it up during the week.  With the weather being nicer (read: lovely, amazing, fantastic, etc) I have decided to get up and out of my apartment and go enjoy the sunshine.  Yesterday I walked around Bridgewater and eventually made it to East Bridgewater.. then I walked to the local middle school to run the bleachers and to read a little as well.

Over the last two days I've almost made it through my book.....

It's a good and quick read so it's been perfect for the warm sunny days we've had this weekend! I might go and read more tonight if I get the rest of my stuff done! :)

I was going to go read and relax on the bleachers but apparently there's lacrosse on Sunday afternoons so I found a bench next to the school and sat and read for a while there- but then I decided to move to the grass where I'd have the option of shade or sun.  This is where I relocated to...

 and this was my view as I was laying on the grass.. not too bad! I was also playing with the camera I got on my birthday so there are some im-trying-to-be-artistic-and-fun photos coming up

These were some of my supplies...

Sunscreen, a book, a long sleeve RWL t-shirt, water

One can't forget this either...!

I decided my nails were a perfect length for a nice french manicure so I brought some of my friends with me! My white nail-polish is about shot- so the tips didn't turn out like I wanted them- but they'll do for now.  When this starts chipping I'll change up the french-manicure colors.  

Here's an "i'm trying to be artistic" and "im playing with my camera" photo of some of the grass-flowers(?) This photo is mostly for my mom because she kept asking if I've used my camera yet.. YEP! I have Mom!!  

I hope the weather continues like this! I could spend every weekend the same! But i'll be out of books pretty quickly!! 

Happy Sunday!

Here I go again. Jumping back on the blogging train...(?) Not sure that makes a whole lot of sense, but I'm going to go with it! I'll blame it on me being rusty- since I haven't blogged in MONTHS. All time low.  But I figured as I'm waiting for my phone to get charged I can spend some time talking to myself.  :)

There's been a lot going on and happening since.. umm, February. So I will give you the down and dirty.. wait that's not right either... QUICK and dirty.. lol that's better.  I told you it'd been a while! I just had to go back and re-read my last few posts because I couldn't remember where I left off.  I had made my goal sheet- and was nervous about that. nervous about putting it all out there. nervous about going to places I've never been- mentally, emotionally, physically, athletically, everything.  New can be scary!

Man, I wish I hadn't waited so long to start blogging again because there's been a lot of progress that's been made.  Daggum.

On the road to recovery, Ellyn and I had created a road map each week to progress to collegiates.  We started the week of February 19th and went through April 15th when I competed in Louisiana at University Nationals.  Ellyn and I creatively called this "The Plan".  There were three columns: CONSERVATIVE, MODERATE, and AGGRESSIVE.  The Plan and the structure of the plan was put in place to guide, push, and pace my recovery.  The goal each week was to hit the Aggressive columns, but if there was any pain in my wrist Ellyn and I knew we would stop.  Our communication and connection throughout this plan was pretty darn perfect- and the columns helped with that.  There were a few days when the lifts were going REALLY well and the numbers in the Aggressive column were a piece of cake- but because we had a plan Ellyn and I stopped there.  The Plan helped keep us both in check.  Pushing us and preventing us from doing too much.  It's easy to get caught up in wanting to do one more, and add another kilo and seeing how far we could go- but the consequences of adding that extra kilo or taking another rep could be devastating for the health of my wrist.  So we waited and we stuck to the plan.

Here's a picture of The Plan that Ellyn and I used

Before Collegiates/University's I competed in two meets: Atlantic States Open- where I was a late entry.. aka the day of... and the Ginny Robinson Memorial Meet... At the Atlantic States (February 19th)I was out of my cast for about three weeks, but I was well, and able enough to compete- so I did.  I finished with at 110 total (snatched 50 and clean and jerked 60).  I felt kind of silly lifting those weights, but that's where I was, and I was happy with my performance.  At the Ginny Meet (March 16th) I hit at 150 total (65 snatch and 85 clean and jerk).  I was getting closer and closer to 'being back' but there was still work to be done.  The Ginny meet was big for me because I had hit the A-session numbers for Collegiates. I was on my way back! Here's a video of the Ginny Meet

Another month-ish of training and then comes Collegiates.  There was a.. umm.. major melt down in the airport on the way down there... I wasn't close to making weight and Ellyn had to tell me I'd be competing as a 75+.  I was so frustrated, upset, mad, disappointed etc and it took the whole trip down to Louisiana to finish my crying and actually act like a normal person.  Ellyn was surprised I didn't take the whole weekend to pull myself out of my funk- but maybe I'm learning a thing or two. . .?

So I was down there with my team and I got to eat and I got to me merry and I got to lift.  What's there to be upset about.. i mean honestly!? The first two days of the meet the rest of the team competed and did really well.  For a lot of them it was their first national meet and the results were top-notch.  Very proud to be RWL with everyone there!

When I lifted there were 4 people in my session and that included the 75s and 75+. It went quick. Just my speed! I missed my first snatch. oops. and especially oops after hitting the same number in the back. oopsy! so once I missed that one I was determined to not miss the others.  My snatch lifts went 65-miss, 65 make, 68 make.  Clean and jerks I went 92-make, 95-make and 98-make.  I finished second with a total of 166- which was only 2 kilos off of my American Open total before surgery.

The cool thing about hitting those numbers (98 was a national level life-time PR) was that my wrist didn't feel like it was 100%.  It still doesn't, but every day it's closer and closer to getting there.  Two weeks after Collegiates there was another meet- West Hartford Open and again I missed my opening snatch after taking it in the back. womp. felt like a dummy when that happened.. again.  I missed 64, made 64, and then made 70 (post surgery PR) and with the clean and jerks Ellyn and I opened at 98- which is where I finished at collegiates.. made it, then went to 101 made it and then 104 and made that. The 104 was a life-time PR for clean and jerk. Here's a link to the video from that meet.. Hartford Open

This is a photo of the back of my lifting notebook.  It's got my totals from each of the last 5 meets I've done.  Starting with the American Open (pre-surgery) and the last 4 meets.  It's a nice reminder of the work I've done and that there's still more to go! 

Now the lifting cycle is focusing on getting us all stronger.  I think it's working.  I want to catch up to the boys this summer.  I want to be squatting what they squat.  I am chasing them down.. and I think some of them are scared :) They should be!

That's been the short of the last few months.. I forgot how much I like and enjoy writing about my lifting- so I'm going to work on doing a better job with staying up to date on it all.

When it's good it's good and when it's bad it's awful. Hello today's practice. Heavy sigh. Not in the mood to go through all the emotional upheavals today. It just sucked.

one at at time

I'm trying new things and working on my weaknesses.  it's a process... mostly a mental process.  a mental adventure.  a mental fight.  trying to get my mind to believe and motivate myself to physically do the things i've been working hard to be able to do... wether that be squat more, clean more, jerk more, snatch more, pushing through the fear and doubts is next on the list.

it's hard to do. let me just put that out there. having to focus each and every rep each and every set and fight off the doubts. fears. negative thoughts. soreness. pain. and anything and everything else that can and will and does become a distraction... they all fight against the process of making every rep count and making every lift important and valuable as a stepping stone to where I want to be in 4 years.

For my weightlifting class Ellyn asked the class to come up with their goals.  I wrote up a few talking about how the injury has been good for me because it forced me to slow down and to focus on the technique of the lifts- without the pressure to complete the lifts correctly at 70, 80, 90, 100%.. i would be.. and had to start from scratch. just with the bar.  I had to focus on lifting the bar. I had to think about the technique of each lift and each part of the lift. the things i could do and could improve on i had to. some days it was just getting and staying tight.. and that was all i could do to get better.. other days (especially when i got further along in my recovery) i could focus on other more 'complex' motions, movements, and processes of lifting.

I'm not sure how I got on that track, but OOHH yea! so i wrote a longer version of the above paragraph and Ellyn said I needed actual goals. Specific things I was going to work on and measurable improvements. I started again.  Thinking about some of the things Ellyn wrote in her e-mail and thinking about things and places where I could and should and need to get better.. I started writing and kept writing. It was a nerve-wracking process to put my hopes, dreams, desires and goals on paper and to share them.  When you do things like that it makes everything so much more real.

Maybe that's what I needed. I needed to get real.  I needed to make a map to 2016.  I think the words- broad and general at this point- will get more specific and more focused as the days, weeks, months, and years go by.. but I am excited.  I'm excited to start crossing off numbers and goals and expectations.  but in order to do that I've got to use everything I have today... I've got to be focused with everything I have today.  Not just inside the weight room, but outside.  That's been my biggest fault.  Once i rush off to the Y or rush off to place xyz I lose my focus on my goals.  but that's being changed.  one day at a time. one moment in time. one choice at a time.

thursday thursday thursday!!

Today was fun. busy. but fun! The fun part was getting to show off for the big-wigs at the YMCA with my one arm snatching...  There were a lot of non-believers and doubters... even after i lifted in front of them some of the dumb boys didn't think i was impressive. psssh. what do they know?? 

It was weird lifting in the Y.. in a different spot.. with different people (ellyn was still there though!)  lifting with 10 strangers watching me, in my space, in a different place, with different weights... a lot of different and new and potentially distracting factors to overcome.. oh ya and the 5min warmup.. that was another thing that could have caused some problems.. but none of it did.. I had to put myself in the same mind-frame I'm in when I'm lifting and with the team.  I had to focus on me and not what anyone or anything else was doing or where it was.. i had my focal point and i had my routine. 

Today I had to recall the focus and purpose i work on during practice and put it to work when I was at the Y.  The warm-ups were probably worse than the actual 'attempts' or whatever you want to call my performance today.. it was nice to have the support of the Y with my lifting.  it's nice to have people outside of lifting be interested and supportive of my adventures.  it helps give me a new and re-newed commitment to myself and what i'm doing.. realizing that not everyone has or is given the opportunity i have to chase my dream.  

With that said, I've got a lot of work to do.. lots of things I need to get better at.. lots of things I need to keep track of.. lots of things to get organized... lots and lots and lots.. i need to make a list and start checking things off.. a lot more discipline is needed.. one day at a time.. 

columns

Working on getting better.. Ellyn and i talked about how I was going to get better.. and we looked at the time frame of the next meet and the next big meet and how i'd get to where i want to be... we decided we'd use a 3 column system... a conservative column where i'd increase my lift by very small increments, a moderate column, and a more aggressive column... Each day I'd work towards completing as much/as many of the columns as my wrist would allow.  Having numbers and plans helps keep me focused at slowly chipping off the gap between where I am and where I want to go.

Today was a successful day for my olympic lifts... I was able to successfully complete the numbers set out for me in the aggressive column.. which were higher numbers than what I lifted on Sunday.. yay me. :) but again i've got to keep working and keep focusing..  lots to keep learning and lots to keep working on and even more to get better and more consistent with..  so here's three cheers for column 3... hip-hip-horray

keep working.

meet

It may be surprising to some of you that the decision to lift wasn't decided until the evening before I lifted.  Ellyn and I had been talking back and forth about whatd be best for me and what would be smartest (sometimes that's the harder one to do) when it came to the meet... I talked a little about my anxiety in deciding or not deciding what to do, from a physical aspect, but I also was wrestling more with the mental aspect of coming back.  I had the thoughts of success- with two definitions.. success that i previously knew which fell somewhere around 72k and 103k and what success would now look like... and was that success 50 and 60? was that success of competing? was that success just getting back on the platform? was that success something else all together? Before I lifted i couldn't be sure it was any of those things.. the success i had known before was not an option this meet.

I... and Ellyn.. talked about my mental shortcomings and the risk of ... my cereal.. or serial (depending on who's spelling it) killer moods and looks that would come if I couldn't deal with the results of my first meet back.  I like to win and i like to be good the best.. and i knew going into this meet that I wouldn't do either of those things. yikes. okay. how do i be okay and good at losing? um. i dont know if i can... but i have to.

Long story short (and maybe saving room for another blog about my meet.. hehe) I ended up lifting and I ended up being fine mentally and physically.  It was a different meet experience for sure, but it helped me get back in the competition mode and it helped me refocus and repurpose my lifting at practice.  I was working towards something that wasn't a distant memory or a long off and lofty goal, but meets that are coming up really quickly... 7 weeks until collegiates... and 3 or 4 weeks until the next local meet.  not a whole lot of time to waste and to not get better.. so I'm re-focused and re-motivated for the next adventure...

back to the meet.  It was a weird feeling for this meet.  I had to focus on my positions and one lift at a time. sometimes i felt a little silly getting ready to lift what I was lifting, but I told myself and made myself prepare like this was a meet where i was 100%.  I had the option to not pay attention to the weights and to just go through the motions like I had done so many times before- but i wanted to get better.  Ellyn has always said treat all the weights with respect.. treat 35 like 105... I think i did a pretty good job with that.  I was tempted to not give my full attention to the weights (even when I was on the platform) but i had practiced and had been practicing going through the same routine... again, i feel like i was successful with that.  I kept everything tight, close, and FAST.. woah. hadn't ever done that. here's a link if y'all are so interested :)  Atlantic States Meet  But there's a lot to improve on.  There's a lot more to do. and there's a bed i need to be sleeping in.  Until tomorrow. . .

pre-meet thoughts...

It's officially official, and i guess I am too.. I had my first meet back and I guess that means I'm getting back.. it's just the first stop on the bus..  There's a lot more to go and a lot more patience i'll be needing.. but let me recap the meet... Actually, let me recap the process of deciding to lift or not and then the meet..

being out of my cast for 3 weeks and having been able to lift on my wrist was a lot more than I expected, ellyn expected and the doctors even wanted :) When I got my cast removed I was told that I shouldn't be lifting anything heavier than a gallon of milk.

ya ya ya okay dr. I wont. and i will also wear my brace like a cast.. pssshh does he know who he's talking to?? obviously not because i probably still would be in a cast if he REALLY knew :) but i think this time it's better he doesn't know about me..

Lifting. I guess I picked up a pvc pipe a few weeks ago and then more recently (maybe 2 weeks ago.. so that would be a week after my cast was removed...?) a training bar and then a womens bar and then weights started to be added.  It took some time and attention to start listening carefully to my body and what it was saying.  I needed to feel, know and recognize the difference between pain, discomfort, stretching, pinching, and when pain was involved, i'd need to know the difference between pain that was harmful and pain that is part of the process...

My shoulder surgery and recovery when I was at Wake has helped me with my current situation.  I remember the first time i started throwing and my shoulder started to hurt... it scared the bejesus out of me and i freaked out and was scared my first time back i had torn everything again.. what an awful feeling.  I immediately left practice and i went to the training room crying hysterically because i was scared and i thought my 12+months of rehab and work and time was about to start over.. I remember crying with anne (my athletic trainer) and telling her it hurt and i was scared, but i knew i was just freaking out, but still crying, and trying not to and failing and crying more... Nothing a little ice and a few hugs wouldn't fix... but that moment sticks out in my head when I think about my wrist.  I don't want to be back in a hospital. I dont want to be back in a cast. I dont want my pins to have to be put back in.  So i'm being careful and paying attention.. and so is Ellyn.. we're being careful and working together to get me back as quickly and as safely as possible.

When it came time to decide if I was going to do the meet I talked to Ellyn, myself, and a few friends about walking the line of being smart about my recovery and being smart and realistic about my goals and if lifting is the best thing for me.. I got a lot of advice and a lot of good comments and input, but the thing i heard most was it's got to be my decision and only i know what's going to be for the ultimate best of myself, my lifting, my wrist, my mental stamina etc... It's kind of funny trying to type all of the thoughts, feelings, and emotions that went into the decision to lift on Sunday (and if i want to be particular, every day i choose to lift with both hands at practice) because this post doesn't do them justice... but y'all will have to wait for the day of the meet thoughts until tomorrow because I am exhausted- it has been a very, very, very long day and I am so done with it all. . .

happy valentine's day to ME!

Busy should be my middle name, but I have had a lot of practice with being busy, so i take it in stride and seem to do pretty well with the stress and demands of training and working annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd i hope everyone enjoyed the mile-long run-on sentence.  geesh. that was awful.

It's not even 2pm and I've already gotten a lot accomplished.  I went to work at the Y this morning, did some rolling and stretching, had a staff meeting, set up my official YMCA e-mail (yeah I'm a big deal) finished up my therapy, got lunch, responded to the past two weeks of e-mails and about to get ready for my second shift of work with the lovely and beautiful children at the Y.  Today is my last day training and learning the ins and outs of everything before I'm set free and on my own. yiiiiikkkkkeess.

From a lifting standpoint today was uneventful.. mostly.  I did my therapy which was good and today was the longest i've rolled and/or stretched in a very very very long time, so that's good.  I was also able to do a lot of my smaller muscle workout-ish things.  sometimes when I have to do these things at the y i feel slightly more productive and focused and patient(?).. i guess patient meaning i dont feel like i have to or need to rush off anywhere or hurry up and get my stretching done to go to the next thing... i was at the y so I was stretching and rolling to occupy myself while I was waiting for the meeting to start, so I wasn't in a rush to get everything done...

well isn't this ironic, funny, and a little bit mean.  (i probably deserve most of it) but as I was leaving Panera I couldn't find my keys.. and i searched my backpack, my pockets, where i was sitting and i even asked the staff if anyone had turned in keys. ha. nope. no keys.  dang it. So I was left with only two options: my keys were stolen along with my car and the 29348579237 weeks of laundry that was just washed or my keys were locked in my car. any guesses as to which one it might be...?

I probably would have guessed the stolen car and laundry if for no other reason than it would make a good story.. but nope. I'm the fool who was so happy and confident (cocky?) I had everything together and I could manage my time just moments before and now I'm THAT girl who locks her keys in the car while they are still in the ignition.  is my blonde showing through...??  But look at the positive of all of this: I'm getting my blog done, catching up on more e-mails, and (i feel like there was something else productive I was doing during this time...) HEY I could paint my nails. fantastic. Just the way I wanted to spend my day. Sitting in panera not going to work... okay so maybe this isn't that bad :)

big day for 45

Another day in the books.  And look at me go.. two blogs in a row! Wahoo! Today was a pretty good day the weigh room included.  On a slightly side note to the lifting aspect of my life I started at my new site with the Y... moving from a site with about 15 kids to a site with 50. It's a whole new ball game there. New kids, new staff, new place, new policy, new everything.  I'm a little nervous to be set free on the place! :-/

Back to lifting.  Today the team was set and scheduled to max with snatch and after a stellar max out session on Friday with clean and jerk today had similar results- fantastic! lots of 10k+ prs and ridiculous performances that were so much fun to watch! yay!

With my own little self I had a 'reagular' snatch workout with a few added twists.  I started working with both hands on the pvc pipe just working on turning over the bar at the top of the lift.  Once I did that a few times I went to the training bar and did the same.  After that I moved onto the women's bar and slowly moved down my legs.. starting just below the hip.. then moving above the knee then from the floor.  Ellyn and I slowly started to add weight and take full snatches.  I was trying to hide my excitement with each addition of weight, but i'm not sure how good of a job i did :)  And for me it sometimes is hard to balance my competitiveness and desire to get better and the other part of me that doesn't want to wreck or ruin my wrist for 5, 10, 15pounds... or even kilos..  As of now, the bigger and smarter part of me is focused on getting my wrist back to better than normal.  I am more focused on getting things taken care of healed than I am on snatching 90 and clean and jerking 115.  or whatever numbers may be in my head or anyone else's head.  So right now, today, i am being smart about my health, recovery and training.  It needs to stay that way, but the only thing I can do is focus on today.  So today I win. :)

While I was busy winning I was also able to slowly work my way up to 45kilos with my snatch. NO videos of it today though... there will be more to come, so don't worry.  But I just wanted to brag on myself for a little bit because I am happy and proud and excited I was able to snatch my 45 kilos today.  I have even started writing my 'recovery numbers' on the white board in red pen... so i'm slowly working my way back up to and past where I was before surgery. one day at a time. today was a good step towards all of those good and positive and exciting (have i used that word too many times in this post..?) things...

therapy/recovery day tomorrow!

nervous and excited

Hi y'all!  I'm getting better.  I've had weight over my head the last few days and have been making progress with my lifts and I am anxious and excited to get going and to be back at 100%.  Getting back to 100% is both exciting and nervous.. Exciting because I want to be competing again and I have started to make my way to that point.  I have taken the bar and have put weight over my head (35kilos as of last friday). it's not pretty or necessarily smooth, but it's a lot more and a lot better than anyone (ellyn or myself) was expecting or thinking at this point.. no go deacs

Nervous. Nervous because i dont want to get hurt again. i dont want my wrist to hurt at all. i want it to be normal. and better than it was before it got hurt. and i'm not at that point right now. nervous. no matter how much i feel like i'm prepared and ready for the next step in recovery, it gets daunting looking at where i am now and where i need/want to be.  But i guess that's not fair of me to do that to myself... I need to take it one day at a time.  I need to be patient. it's hard though. waiting and going slow and pushing it, but not too far or too fast.  It's a fine line and i just want to be done and over that line.  

sorry if this post doesn't make sense.. i took nyquil almost an hour ago and it feels like it's taking full effect. oh joy. 

looking. . .

Sorry I haven't been a regular blogger this last week.  no excuse this time except I didn't want to.  I didn't want to think about practice more than when I was at practice.. awful? bad? horrible? probably, but this week has been pretty difficult for me emotionally and mentally. . .  With my job at the Y working the split shift, I have been busy and doctor appointments (yay for having my cast off) I've been running around all over.  I've missed a few scheduled practice times, but I have made up each and every practice..

 but that's not the point of this blog.

Tonight it's more about my mental and emotional status, both as a lifter and as a person... I'm missing something.  I'm missing that close intimate connection with someone.. not in a romantic state, but just someone who can come over and do nothing, or something or anything with, or I could do the same. Someone I can pick up the phone and call and vent about this or that and have that person truly listen and truly care about what's going on in my life.  Yes I've got people here that i can talk to, but i don't have the connection and companionship that I need. Let me just put this out there.. i'm not looking for a boyfriend. I just looking for someone i can sit and be still with...  to have one of those deep and meaningful relationships that will last a lifetime.

for me to be satisfied and happy and at peace (for lack of a better word) i need that one (two if i'm really lucky!) close, intimate, and personal relationship(s).  A safe harbor where I can go to cry or scream or be angry or crazy and to have them tell me it's okay and they understand what i'm feeling- not because that's what's supposed to be said but because they understand me.  someone who i can just show up on their doorstep without explanation...someone to know my heart and know my intentions (99.7% of the time) are good.. someone i dont have to be fake around.. someone i dont have to explain myself to.. someone on my side.. with me instead of against me.. and even if i am bat-shit-crazy they'll be there..

To me the connection between my personal happiness and my success with lifting go directly hand-in-hand.  This last week from a training standpoint has been good.. maybe even better than good. my lifts are getting tighter, im PR-ing, im focusing, im making my lifts etc... but me personally.. i've been miserable. borderline tears... even a few tears falling in the weight room in the middle of my lifts... (on the positive side it's a good test of mental focus... right?) the fun, funny, social and enjoyable aspect of my lifting has been gone this week... but i've kept going, if for no other reason I dont think it can or i can get/feel worse than what i've felt this week.  and most of the time i do love every aspect of it.. the team the training the sore legs for the next week all of it.. it's part of why i made my decision in July to move to MA.. for all of those things.. but this week i haven't felt or been excited about any of that.. and i hate that...(tears falling now..)

maybe part of my craziness is my lack of blogging.. I've re-read this a few times as to not offend anyone who reads it and those people who have taken the time to start to get to know me.. don't think i don't appreciate that.. maybe i'm needier than most or crazier than most.. so i have tried to word my writing appropriately with respect to those friends of mine who read my blog and do care about me.. i know i'm difficult and challenging and maybe once in a while a pain in the ass.. but for those of you who have and continue to be there for me.. thank you.

the last day...

Tonight is my last night in a cast!! Tomorrow after my morning shift at the Y I am going to see Dr. Blazar and get my pins pulled and my cast off! I'm excited and nervous and ready(?) I'm going to try and film/take pictures of the removal of my pins.. i think it's going to be pretty gross.  I hope it doesn't hurt! But i'm not sure how it wont.. :-/

I have no idea what i'll be able to do or not be able to do once the cast is off.  I guess there will be another post about that tomorrow evening...  and so excited to shower without a garbage bag over my arm!! Lots of things to look forward too!!

no go deacs... :)

over 100

I made it through another day.  but i guess I dont have any other choices and that's good for me!  I seem to have three times the amount of stuff to be doing, but I am getting more stuff done and in a quicker/better(?) fashion.  I'm more focused, driven, organized, and on top of my life... everything from blogging, to lifting, to working, to prepping for work, oh yeah and I'm taking a class. Back in school.  so that's my life right about now.. busy busy busy, but i am happy and staying out of trouble.

Today (along with every other day) has been a 7-9 2-6 shift at the Y and lifting from about 930-1230. the 30min on each side are me driving to or from the Y.. so from dawn till dusk i'm moving.  The mornings at the Y are used for prep work for the day- so my coworker and I (mostly her while I watched the kids) made hard boiled eggs for snack later in the day.  When I got to Kelly, it was another day of one armed snatches (5x1) and Clean and Jerks (5x1).  The percentages went up to 90, but because I dont really have a max with the one armed exercises, we've just kept adding weight as I've gotten more comfortable with the weights and the exercises.  Before today the most I had ever one armed snatched  was 90lbs (add 90 and 90 together that's 180lbs which converts to about 82k- and that is 10Kilos more than my 2 handed max) so today Ellyn said we were going to 95.  Okay I can do 5 pounds more.  I did the 95 and then she asked me if I wanted to do 100.  i said yes, but it wasn't just a normal yes... it was an okay im excited, this could be big, woah it's heavy, i can do this, how cool would that be, okay yes, wait im nervous, okay go.. kind of yes.  I hope that made sense to everyone out there! But I took the first attempt at 100 and got scared half way through.. i asked Ellyn if she wanted me/if i could do another one, and she said yes.  I took the second one and just missed it out in front of me.. i had one more chance.  I count the first two attempts as getting used to the weight and adjusting to it... so i had my third attempt.. i was focused and confident in myself and the positions i had been working on the last few weeks. so i take my third attempt and make it.. it wasn't pretty, but it was up and i didn't walk too far.... here it is! so you can see for yourself.. my favorite part is my face at the end of the lift.. i was pretty proud of myself right there.

More improvement came with the clean and jerks too... again, the highest id been up to had been 100lbs and the highest dumb bell in the weight room was 110lbs.  Even before I started the clean and jerks Ellyn said she wanted me to go to 110 today, but she wasn't necessarily expecting that to happen because I did my workout so late last night.  I go through the warmups and things arent feeling great.. my elbow is bugging me a little bit, and the weights are wobbling.. but I keep moving on.  Up to 100 (my previous max for 1 armed c&j) and Ellyn tells me to get the 110.... again it was one of those things where i was excited and scared and anxious and ready all at the same time- but i knew i had to stay tight and tighter on this lift because I would lose it if I wasn't tight... I made the clean, stood up with it and then made the jerk.  the 110 is a little less than my actual PR in clean and jerk... progress.

Next i had front squats.. i missed the front squat workout from yesterday because I didn't have supervision :) so I did them today.  It was one heavy single and then 90% of that single... i was trying for another PR in front squats, but that didn't happen today... I got stuck in the high 120s and maybbbbbeee could argue a 130.. but that might be stretching it.. Ellyn knows me well and when I had trouble at the 3x3 she had someone else spot me and she was teasing me saying she didn't think i could do it- knowing how i react when some one tells me I can't do something- I am going to give 120% to prove them wrong.. so ellyn and i played each others game.. she said i couldn't do it.. i was determined to do it.. and each set of 3 got better..

BREAKING NEWS: I'VE BEEN CLEARED TO DO RDLs ON MY OWN! ellyn watched me do them today and said they looked fantastic.. woah. never thought id hear those words and RDL at the same time! whew!! So when I am crunched for time and I have to do my rdls at the Y I am allowed to do them there... annnnd Ellyn said my back looked bigger.. whew! look at me go!! :)

am i done yet...?

woah worlds longest day... started at 545 when I got up and did not end until after 8pm.. ohh baby. look at me go.  It was a Y-full day!! work from 7-9 then a work meeting from 930-12.. but it went until 130... a short drive back to my site and then 2-6.  You might be wondering when I was able to workout, WELL. that was after all the running around at the Y.  So from about 630-8 I was in Kelly getting everything but my front squats done. Ellyn didn't want me doing those on my own unless i had a cage to catch the bar.. and loading and unloading would have been a pain and the cage was being used etc etc etc so no front squats today.

this week is a little jumbled with lifting because of meetings for the Y, but I'm making it work and getting my workouts in.  Gotta sacrifice something, right? so my free time is what gets the ax this week. and maybe a little bit of my sanity... oh well.  I'm doing the things i like and the things i need to do.. it's a give and take.

But back to my workout.. I had clean and jerks with the dumb bells 8 sets of 1 going up to 90%.  I missed one lift and that was the 90%.  my clean was out in front and i let it fall instead of fighting it (and lets be honest- there was a lack of focus with the lift itself).  I finished my lifts and got a little more solid and a little more purposeful with the lifts (especially the jerks).. I've been trying to get my foot speed faster, my legs to land in a wide stance (this i was pretty sure i wasn't doing so well), and my head through (something i've mentioned before on my blog that I wanted to work on).  Getting stuff done...

The next lift I had was jerk recoveries.  These went better than the last time I did them.  I was able to increase my reps on my 2 highest weights.  My feet still need work on getting and staying wide when I recover, but putting my head through helped stabilize the weights and it feels good to max out the dumb bells in the weight room.  :)  I'm sure all the stinky wrestlers were wondering what I was doing when i grabbed the heavy weights.. ha. little did they know!!

But i need to get myself in the shower and in bed because my day starts early.  It will be a short day tomorrow! 630-6... only 11.5 hours.. it'll be a breeze!

front squats=pain=improvement

another day another dollar! I mean that in every sense of the word.  another split shift at the Y with exciting news to follow for y'all in the next few days... and practice and more front squats.. ohhh baby i'm going to have amazing quads!! as hard and as awful and as painful as the squats were today, it's cool to look at the numbers i was struggling to hit a few months ago (anyone remember the complete failure (and meltdown) with sets of 3 at 105k in September??) well i use today's lifts at 110 for 3 sets of 5 as proof positive of my progress. 105 is just a faint memory... but now the fears(?) of the 105 have moved to the difficulty/reps/intensity of the front squat workouts i've had recently.

the first time i did sets of 10, 8, 6, 5, 3, 3, i was dumb(?) enough to not worry about the volume and intensity a workout of that caliber would take, so i put weight on and lifted it. done. good. no problems.  the next time (i dont think ellyn was there... but she may have been) Ellyn told me she wanted 5 more kilos added on each set.  woah okay. that's going to be hard. and painful. scared. nervous. yikes.  the second time i did the lifts i had more trouble with the lifts than i would have liked... i dropped a few weights and couldn't finish all the sets at once. dang it. womp.  the third time Ellyn was there and before i started i told her i was nervous/anxious about the front squats.  she told me to do them and to practice being nervous and anxious.  so i did.  there was more success when i did these squats.  The whole purpose of this story was to let everyone know i was having the same nervous and anxious feeling with my 3 sets of 5 as I would have with my reps of 10, 8, 6 and 5.  yikes.  i think part of it was because i got my numbers for my 5 rep max from the hard and scary workouts i had done the week before.  I tried to tell Ellyn I was feeling the nerves come to the surface again, but my spotter was in a rush to get to class or internship or something important, and they encouraged told me to go. so i did.  i made all 3 sets of 5.  and i guess that means i just need a good (or nice..both??) kick in the ass to get the nerves out of the way and probably more importantly getting myself out of my way.

ohh and today i had 8x1 of one handed snatches at 90lbs.  Made them all.  and i had some really good ones.. or i guess i can say better than average ones.. but i was able to work on the things i wanted to do.  Ellyn added another thing for me to focus on when i was lifting and that was 'concrete feet' meaning i needed to stay off of my dagguum toes and keep my whole foot on the floor.. and catch with my whole foot on the floor.  when they're good, they're good.  i did have a few wobbly, loose, and weird snatches, but i was still able to make them all.  I think during some of my rest time Ellyn asked me if i had done the math about my single arm snatches and what that ideally would mean about my two handed snatch.. and i told her i had already done it... so now my left arm just needs to get with the program. :)  11 more days and i'll be free and able to bend my wrist.  I think the next part that will be hard for me will be not going right into the lifts.  I want to. but i know i wont be able to. but i want to. i really want to.  I want to be back to full swing in 11 days. but i wont. dang it. patience...? I do know that it's more important to wait and be 100% before i start going 100%.. i've got to look long term- not just now.  patience, perhaps? umm maybe :)


I'm still learning.... patience

busy as a bee

another 12+hour day done and over (except for the writing!) and another day I've survived. wahoo.  I'm getting used to this crazy schedule.  it just takes more discipline.  i can do that. i've been doing that since high school. Most of the time i joke that being busy keeps me out of trouble- but i actually think it's true.  being busy occupies my time and i'm not just sitting around looking for something/anything to do/farting around.. all of those things i can be realllllly good at, so i need to be careful.   :)

today was another up before 6 day followed quickly by practice (which went well- again) and then i actually had over an hour to shower, change, and eat before I had to go back to the Y.  I was able to watch a whole episode of Dexter between lifting and shift #2.  I was impressed with myself. and back to the Y in plenty of time.  I think being busy from dawn to dusk (literally) helps make the time at the after-school site go by really quickly too! It seems to be advantageous to be going going going! hopefully i can keep it up!

i use the slow times during the morning shift to get some planning for the week done ANNNNND i was rolling out while i was doing that. Perfect combo! and it was mutually beneficial.  After the intense shift at the Y i headed to practice and was doing more one armed snatch and clean and jerk.  those are going well. i'm  getting used to the awkward balancing of the one handed exercises and putting more weight over my head each time.  Yesterday when I blogged I was talking about staying tight with my lifts and i was focusing on that a lot today. It helped. (another crazy thought!) While i was lifting I was more aware of my head not coming through as i was finishing my lifts.  So I have given myself two things to focus on tomorrow: tight and head through. gotta be good at something, right? Being tight and getting my head through are things i can work on now that will translate into my two handed lifting in 12 days.

speaking of two-handed lifting... i was pondering this odd/puzzling fact(?) that I am one armed snatching  90 pound dumb bells.. and if a person were to double that, they'd be at 180... which would be about 82 kilos.. and currently my snatch PR is 72 kilos. umm. is that odd to anyone else? maybe i'd do better just one armed snatching.. lol that would be ridiculous. but just something that crossed my mind today while i was lifting.. and hopefully something i will keep in mind once i'm cleared to lift for real :)

Friday is another front squat to heavy single day and Ellyn already told me to get my mind wrapped around 135.  So I'm working on that. lots to work on, but i can do it, even if im the only one who thinks its possible. . .

im trying

back in the swing of things... getting better... trying harder.. more things to do... more focus to have/get back. Sometimes i dont feel like i have anything to blog because words end up just being words.  and people are tired of what i'm saying and i'm tired of having to constantly defend, explain, and reason myself to others... but i've decided that im going to put more emphasis on what i do rather than what I say.  hopefully people will forget what i've said and go off of what i've done.  that's my goal.  be a woman of action rather than word.  it will take time, but i've got it. and know my actions will tell the story my words fail to...

moving on.

practice today was quick(?) i guess everything felt like it was going fast.  I had to drive back from work to make it to practice and then I had to leave an hour earlier than I normally would- so I was moving.  I had one armed clean and jerk, jerk recoveries and then front squats (are you shocked?!).  Those were the big things for today.  I clean and jerked 100lbs 3 times today... more reps than I had done before- even though they weren't all as crisp, clean and as tight as they should have been... I was still able to do more reps than before... progress. the jerk recoveries were a new thing for my one armed workouts.  Ellyn wasn't sure how much i'd be able to do or if id be able to do them at all... but i did.  again, i went up to 100lbs, but wasn't able to finish the second lift of the set.  i could have been tighter throughout the whole process.  i guess the front squats were the 'highlight' of the day.  we had to go up to a heavy single and then take 90% from that and do 3x3.  I had a new max for front squats.. up 8kilos since my last test and then my 90% for 3 was only 5 kilos less than my previous max.  I've felt myself hit better and tighter positions with my front squats a few times, and i tried to hold on to and keep that right position when i was testing as well as when i was doing my sets of 3.

im trying.

I've decided for the next few (2 weeks) I'm going to work on being as tight as possible.  gotta be good at something, right? So i can work on being tight and holding my breath.  and that's what im going to do.  one day at at time.  one breath at a time. one day at a time. one at a time.

now it's time to prepare for tomorrow. got to get everything in line so there aren't any issues to hold me back from what i'm trying to do.  i need plans for the week, food for tomorrow, letters and emails written, and a little time for myself.

no wrinkles.

no wrinkles

well I'm back (havent you heard that before?!) and getting my life back together and organized and prioritized and not just from a lifting perspective... everything is getting put together (work, blogging, eating, friends etc) in a sense i'm getting rid of the wrinkles.  I've got quite a few wrinkles from the last few weeks, but now I'm taking a serious look at the wrinkles and finally doing something about them.  I guess here on my blog would be a good way to be open and honest about what i've been missing and what I need to change..

the first thing that needs to be addressed is my schedule from this week and last.. monday-friday I was at the Y from 7-9am and 2-6pm and training between the two shifts.  Yes it's a little crazy and intense and fast moving from the y to weights then back to the y after a shower and grabbing a handful of food. but it's manageable- if i have all my stuff together before.  I can run on this hectic schedule if I prepare and get rid of the wrinkles.  now it's out of necessity rather than my own motivation, but i think the necessity is a good kick in the ass for me.  It's made me realize that i've been a slacker for the last few weeks. there were a lot of things i could have been doing and should have been doing but just wasnt out of laziness... but now i'm being forced to not be lazy.  I don't have a choice when I have 12 hour days of constantly doing something.. being forced into action is what I need.  I need a little motivation and my schedule is giving me that.  I have no other choice but to get to bed on time, take care of my food, get focused and be purposeful with my time.  Things will be a little crazy rushing from the y to practice and back to the y, but it's not like it's stuff i havent done before (thank you wake forest).  and i am also aware my words and actions havent matched up.. and i can't and wont say anything to that.  the only thing i can do is DO something about it.  I know some people have their opinion made up about me, and there's nothing i can say to change how they think/feel about me- except to do it and prove them wrong.  i'm always up for a challenge :)

also, my eating hasn't been very focused lately.  i can make a billion excuses as to why i've turned to chocolate rather than vegetables.. and even as i write that i have to laugh because most people probably would take the chocolate in a heart beat... but i'm not trying to be like everyone else.. im not trying to be average.. im not trying to be half way.. i'm not trying to just be a national lifter.. i want to be better and i want to be more than all of those things and they all take sacrifice.. and i havent had my mind in a place where i could push through the uncomfortable and unfun moments for a bigger and more important moment of greatness.. but im getting my mind, body, and emotions in line to make myself more than i am now.

i cant remember who i was talking to but we were talking big life picture and they compared successes and failures to people on diets (and why so many of the diets end up failing) is because of one set back, or one cookie the person thinks "oh well i had one, i might as well have 458789 more because i fell off the band wagon" i think thats how i felt these last few weeks with the odd schedule and my wrist and nothing seemingly falling into place... but places are being filled and i'm getting myself put back together. one day at a time, one lift at a time. one moment at a time.  no excuses. no wrinkles. let's go.

I'm still learning!

as per catethegreat... Here's another blog that's been lovingly requested.  Not a lot of exciting lifting news has been happening as of recently.  RWL has been training 2 days a week and the last workout was last Thursday.  This week is the last 2 day/week... then its back to a more normal schedule of lifting 4 times a week. It will be good to get back to a regular schedule with lifting...


Big news for this week: My cast comes off tomorrow!! wahoo! a little over a month with being 'out' from lifting.  Tomorrow afternoon I should have more answers about how quickly i'll be able to start putting weight on the bar/getting serious about lifting etc.  I'm sure i wont be 100% cleared to lift with both hands tomorrow, but i'm  hopeful that there's something I'll be able to do that i couldnt before.. If nothing else I will be able to wash BOTH of my hands and put deodorant on with more ease.  it's the small victories in life, right??

I do have to admit i was/am devastated that I can no longer/am not allowed to say "i'm new".  Bill viciously reminded me of that last week when I said or did something dumb in the weight room.  yes, I knew the expiration date of "i'm new" was coming to an end, but it still stung a little LOT to be reminded... BUT don't worry, i've come up with a new slogan for 2012: I'm STILL learning.  It is reminiscent of 'im new' but sounds more mature and dignified(?) ha! i wish!  Let's be honest here.. this is just another thing i can say when I ask what a push-pull bench press is, or what the difference between a pull and a snatch is, orrrr some other fantastically impressive question I should already know the answer to.  I'm still learning.. so y'all have to be nice to me! :) Some how I think I'll manage and be okay while I'm still learning all the important things life and lifting have to offer...
  

emotional blogging

ok. im back... again. I feel like i say that too much and too often.  but the holidays, vacation, surgery, traveling, friends, weird work schedule, no work schedule... free time.. whhhhat? and maybe a little bit of laziness thrown in just because I can and want to.  Sometimes it's good to take those breaks, but i guess my break has gone on long enough and i guess it's starting to be detrimental (for lack of a better word) to my lifting and focus.

I'll be the first to admit- things have been off for me since surgery.  it's hard to be full swing, going to nationals, being a few silly kilos away from placing, and then less than a week later be out for 4....5...6...7...8...? weeks. not knowing when i'll be back at the national level or beyond.  just waiting. not knowing what's coming.. or not coming.. what i'm supposed to do with myself when lifting doesn't take front and center... simply because it's just too hard or scary to think about what happens if i don't get back to where i was.... and i have had a lot of people tell me not to worry about it and that i will be fine.. but until i have that 105 over my head again i dont know if i'll believe it... so i don't think about it.

it's been easier to be with friends, to be home, to show my mom how to clean and jerk, squat, snatch, etc. it's easier to sit around and watch 2 seasons of Dexter, to get dressed up and go out on new years (cast and all) and make a fool out of myself... it's just easier and maybe more convenient to not be focusing on something i can't do.  part of me thinks.. okay how many one legged squats can i do and still trick myself into thinking and feeling like im being a productive part of the team.. my efforts in the weight room (to me) seem to be insignificant and lax because of the few things i can do.  If i can't be part of the team from an athletic and competitive point, i better be part of the team from a social aspect... i've got to keep myself relevant and involved... so i was trying.

maybe i should stop. idk.  i try to keep the important people in my life happy and proud of me and i feel extremely awful that i've let down Ellyn.  I'm sure when she reads this (hi ellyn) she'll tell me that's not true.  I don't make things easy on her, but i'm not sure who i do make things easy on.. i guess that's part of me and the old hardened person i've become.. too many people have hurt me, used me, abused me and left me.. so I'm mean, stubborn, hot and cold, crazy, moody, awful, occasionally i'll let people in and be open with them.. and then sometimes (HA!) i'll go back to the laundry list of completely  attractive and fun qualities i just listed.  i think that's my own protective (learned behavior) way of getting along in life... making sure the people who want to be around me really like/love (maybe one day) me for me.. even with the moodiness etc BUUUUUUUUT this all is supposed to help explain myself to Ellyn (and others out there who have experienced some of my silliness).   It's not like Ellyn and I haven't had this talk in about 50 different ways before, but i'm trying to figure out how i can survive (financially, physically-food clothing shelter etc) while chasing after the dream of being an Olympian...

How do i do all of these things and keep everyone happy? is it possible? I'd like to think my sun-up to sun-down schedule at wake has trained me perfectly for this.. working, lifting, working, lifting, lifting sleeping repeat... but i guess that's like my wrist.  I don't know what's going to happen with that... same thing with my daily schedule... i dont want to get sucked into the world of full time work and lose out on lifting.. i dont. i don't know how many ways i can say that or prove that to myself or others... i want to be self sufficient, i want to be able to train 6 days a week, i want to be the best lifter i can be.. and i dont think that will happen the way things are going now.. and that frustrates me.  I didn't move to Massachusetts to work at part time job at the Y... I came to get better and to chase a dream...

Sacrifice.  That's a word that often accompanies stories Ellyn has told me about her time in London.  One of the athletes she met over there talked frequently about sacrifices they had to make to be at the olympic test event and the sacrifices they have to make on a daily basis... i guess i need more of that.. it's scary.  but it's one of those things where you cant dip your toes in the water- you've just got to cannonball right in. and once youre in you either sink or float... and sinking has never been an option for me.. so I guess i need someone to take me to the pool and maybe give me a push when i get to the edge because I am scared.  any takers....

p.s. sorry i didn't make it to bed by curfew, but i did roll and stretch. . .